This week we conclude our discussion of the mistake we’ve made when working with the child of divorce and their out of control behaviors.
Mistake #6 – Time Out
We sent kids to time out to “think about what they had done”. Here’s probably what really happened during that time.
Teacher:
Talk about memories – today is my youngest son Nathan’s eleventh birthday. I wrote this article on his fifth birthday.
I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday. Of my four kids, he is the only one born after I received Christ (something I did shortly after his older sister was born), and I marveled at the grace of God in my life and in that moment. The room was filled with his mother, of course, me, my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law and various well wishers as the day went on. Shortly after Nathan was born, a family friend brought his two older brothers and older sister to the hospital to meet their new baby brother. It was, by all accounts, a momentous day and a memory I will hold on to for the rest of my life. No doubt, Nathan’s brother and sister feel the same.
Today, we have another a special day planned. We are off to one of the nation’s best children’s museums to play and learn and generally have a good time as a family. There will be pouting and probably some yelling and screaming. The kids will balk when they can’t have everything they want from the souvenir store, and mom and dad will likely be exhausted by the end of the day. We’ll find some place to have a birthday dinner and track down a cake somewhere to celebrate, and of course there are presents to open. My wife and I have worked hard, and spent a little bit of money, to create a memory that will, hopefully, make a mark on his young life and live with him as he grows.
The children’s museum we are going to is not in our hometown, so we spent part of yesterday driving to stay at a hotel. We got there about 20 minutes before the pool closed for the night, but I had promised the kids we would swim, so we headed down for our dunk in the pool. The time was short, and we didn’t do anything special (just threw a football around in the water), but I have found that those moments tend to stick with my kids as much as, if not more, than the manufactured moments.
Three Types of Memories
Link to “Why Promiscuity is a Form of Self-Mutilation for Fatherless Daughters:” http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/16/daddyless-daughters-promiscuity-self-mutilation_n_3600946.html?ref=politics&ir=Divorce
Fatherlessness is an epidemic in our world today. Too frequently, daughters who never knew their father or lose their fathers to divorce turn to a string of men to try to fill that void in their lives. In this article, they discuss how this promiscuity is actually a form of self-mutilation. Make sure to watch the video that goes along with the article.
For more resources and information on divorce, family disruption and modern families please visit our Hope 4 Hurting Kids Divorce and Modern Family Help Center.
STOP! If you are considering a divorce, do everything within your power to find another way. Divorce hurts. It will hurt your children whether or not they are willing to tell you. Divorce fundamentally changes the world they have come to know. That said, we recognize that some people will still elect to get a divorce, or may find themselves in a position where they have no choice. In those situations, we hope that you will make every effort to lessen the impact divorce will have on your kids. Those efforts should start from the very beginning, and in this case the beginning is when you choose to tell the kids about the divorce.
The following lists provide guidance on the steps you can take to tell your children about your divorce in the best possible way. Though these steps will not eliminate all pain and hurt your children might feel, we hope that they will help to mitigate the impacts of divorce. Not all of these steps will be easy for you, but we encourage you to make every effort to take as many of these steps as you possible can. Whatever you do, be honest with your kids, do not tell your children the things listed below if you do not actually intend to do it.
Last week we looked at the mistakes we have made when working with children from divorced homes that have out of control behaviors. This week we continue exploring mistakes of the past.
Mistake #3 – Everything Was Based On How the Adult Felt
If the teacher felt happy then all was good. Oh my goodness, do you remember the happy face/sad face signs? I am so embarrassed to share this but, since I want you to explore your mistakes, I’ll share some of my worst ones. I very clearly remember one incident.
We had paper plate hanging on a chair. We had this 4 year old kid who was so out of control. The chair was set over against the wall by the bathroom. I told this little four year old,
Are there other moms out there who have been blessed by your state’s Early Intervention program? Google tells me this service has all kinds of names across the country: Help Me Grow, Baby Net, Birth to Three, Infants & Toddlers, Early Steps, First Connections, Babies Can’t Wait. This service in Pennsylvania has been awesome for us as foster parents. We’ve had three different “types” of therapists over the last three years—physical therapy (PT), speech therapy, and occupational therapy (OT).
(By the way, in case you’re unfamiliar—like I was—Occupational therapy, according to kidshealth.org, helps kids with various needs improve their cognitive, physical, sensory, and motor skills and enhance their self-esteem and sense of accomplishment.)
In our state, Early Intervention is a free service—yes, free—offered through the county that comes to your house—yes, to your house—to offer professional services to kids under age 3. As a foster mom who already drives my son to a lot of medical appointments, it’s life-changing. All you have to do is be home (and dressed). Continue reading
In this insightful article, Lee Block answers the question, “Is Divorce With Kids Selfish?” She explains:
Divorce is selfish by necessity when you think about it. No matter what, someone gets hurt. If it isn’t you, then it is your kids and if it isn’t your kids, then it is your ex, but in the end, someone has to pay the price. The question is, who can adjust the best?
If you work with children of divorce, it is important that you understand the perspective of the parents as well. Reading this article will give you a glimpse into the head of one divorced mom. Reading through the comments will reveal a wide variety of excuse making and pent up anger. Either way, it will be very educational.
Click here to view the article.
For more resources and information on divorce, family disruption and modern families please visit our Hope 4 Hurting Kids Divorce and Modern Family Help Center. Continue reading
From MU Extension at the University of Missouri-Columbia, “Helping Infants and Toddlers Adjust to Divorce” specifically addresses how divorce impacts infants and toddlers. Too many people believe that divorce does not impact these kids because they are young. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
The article explains:
During their first three years of life, children grow quickly, become mobile, learn language, begin to understand how the world works and form social relationships. Environmental changes such as parental divorce can affect a child’s development, but parents have the power to help their children adjust to family changes.
Beginning with younger infants (birth to 8 months), this article explains that, “Infants do not understand divorce However, infants pick up on changes in their parents’ feelings and behaviors.”
The Emotions Chart is designed to help young people to recognize and name their emotions which is an important step in the healing process. These charts can play a key role in helping kids with the See It! Say It! and Feel It! components of the The Super Simple Feelings Management Technique. You can download the chart by clicking here or on the image above.
These charts are based on the characters and emotions included in our Hope 4 Hurting Kids Emotion Cards and the forthcoming book 150 Emotions Every Child Should Know, By Age. Each page includes 30 different emotions, and are designed to introduce new emotions as the child grows older.
Many children living in divorcing single parent homes experience tremendous stress leading to some out of control behaviors. When they come to your church, your volunteers question what on earth could be causing these kids to act like that. They may wonder if there is any discipline in the home at all. It is not that their parents are bad parents or that they aren’t trying, but more likely it is because there is confusion and chaos in the child’s life. Many of these children live in high conflict situations where they experience high stress levels.
In the book Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors, Heather Forbes and Bryan Post reference these children in their “Stress Model” chart. They say,
“Children who are misbehaving are seeking external regulation.”