Welcome to part 7 of 10 in our series on child abuse and neglect. Today, we will be exploring how to talk to a child you know has been abused or neglected.

If you find out for certain that a child is being abused, or if a child comes right out and tells you, it can be an uncomfortable situation, and it is often difficult to find the “right thing” to say to them. Many times there is no “right thing” to say, but you can be prepared by knowing how to handle the situation. Here are some suggestions.

Avoid Denial and remain calm. If your actions, tone or words reveal a sense of denial or shock or disgust, the child may react by shutting down. You need to remain as calm and as reassuring as you possibly can. Don’t be afraid to talk about it. If children sense that you are afraid to talk, they will not bring it up and they will definitely not open up. Remember, children don’t benefit from “not thinking about it” or “putting things out of their mind.” They benefit from talking about their emotions and working through what they have experienced.

Listen to what they have to say and empathize with them. So many times, our natural inclination is to want to jump straight to problem solving or solution mode. A child who has been abused or neglected, and is willing to talk to you about it, is crying out to be listened to. Be a person that they can talk to, cry with and mourn with. Remember that empathy is not the same thing as feeling sorry for them.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

It is very common for children whose parents have divorced to hope that their parents might get back together.  Most children of divorce experience this at some point following their parents’ separation.  This desire might last for a long time, and you may get angrier and angrier when it doesn’t happen.  Some kids even try to make deals with their parents or with God.  They might say,

God, if you let my parents get back together, I promise to keep my room clean and never to fight with my sister again.

Or, they might think to themselves,

If I just chip in more and do my chores, then my parents will see the improvement and want to live together again.

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I like to think of the brain system as the “brain train”.

A Quick Review

The caboose (the brain stem) is the train car attached to the rear of the train and used primarily by the train crew. In older days, back when trains actually had a caboose, it was used as a place of protection where soldiers, or the crew, were stationed to protect the train from raiders and robbers and keep it safe. The brain stem is all about fight, flight or freeze. The brain stem asks,

“Am I safe?”

The passenger car (the limbic system) is the place where the people ride on the train and enjoy each other’s company. The limbic system is all about emotions and asks,

“Am I loved?”

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Welcome to part 6 of our 10 part series on child abuse and neglect. Today, we will be discussing what you should do if you suspect potential abuse or neglect.  

General Goals

Before we jump into the specifics about what to do when you suspect abuse or neglect, there are some overarching goals, or guiding principles, which we should all have when it comes to abuse and neglect, particularly the church. These include:

• Protecting the child from any further harm
• Stopping the offender’s abuse
• Healing the victim’s brokenness
• Restoring the family (or helping victims to mourn the loss of relationship where this is not possible)

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When your parents divorce, your entire world changes.  Many times, you are find out or are given information about one parent or the other which impacts your view of them.  Perhaps one of your parents made bad decisions which and betrayed the trust of your other parent causing the divorce.  Sometimes, your parents’ actions will cause you pain. You may even feel like between you and your parent, you are the one acting like the adult these days.  Given all of that, how can you continue to respect and honor your parents?

Separating the Person from the Position

It is important to separate the the person from the position in your effort to respect and honor both of your parents.  Despite the actions of your parents, they have been put in your life and given the position of parent.  You can respect and honor that position regardless of the acts of the individuals in those positions.  Put another way, even though you’re your mother’s actions have left your father depressed and despondent, you can still respect her role as mother when it comes to setting rules and boundaries.

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Helping Your Child Deal With Divorce is a tri-fold pamphlet we’ve designed for parents. If you are a divorced or divorcing parent who is looking for information on how to help your child, this pamphlet is for you. It is also designed for those who work with kids who might be asked by a parent how to help their child.

As explained in the pamphlet,

Divorce hurts. When there are children involved, it hurts even worse for you and for them. This pamphlet is designed to help you to help your child better understand what is going on, grieve the loss they have experienced, heal from the hurt caused by divorce and lay a groundwork to allow them to move forward with their lives and find hope and healing.

The pamphlet covers basic information like how to tell you child, helping your child to grieve, dealing with emotions and helping your child after the divorce. It also includes links, books and other resources that might be helpful. You can access a pdf version of the pamphlet by clicking the photo above or here.

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Last week, we introduced the limbic system (the emotional part of the brain) and explained how it affects children of divorce. Children in the limbic system or the emotional part of the brain wonder if they are loved. They wonder if anyone cares about them. It is all about emotions.

Divorce and the Limbic System of the Brain

When I think back to when I went through a divorce, I now realize that I lived in for many weeks in the emotional part of my brain. I couldn’t analyze or get organized, and I was late to every appointment. I even had trouble making eye contact with people because I was afraid the person I was talking to might not like me. And it didn’t end there, over the years, I know I have reverted back to that state on a number of occasions. All that, and I was an adult at the time. Think about the children coming to your church who are experiencing the divorce of their parents!

The Issue of Serotonin Production

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Welcome to part 5 of our 10 part series on child abuse and neglect. Today, we will be looking at signs to look for indicating potential abuse or neglect. 

RECOGNIZING SIGNS OF POTENTIAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT

As those who work with children, and those interested in ministering to at risk kids, it is important that we understand the warning signs of potential abuse and neglect. This section includes some general guidance as well as specific things to look for in both children and their parents for the different types of abuse and neglect. I have gathered this information from the various sources listed at the end of this article. Accordingly, I have not endeavored to cite a source on each individual sign. The single best source I have found, and the starting point for many of the items in these lists, is the publication What is Child Abuse and Neglect? Recognizing Signs and Symptoms from The Child Welfare Information Gateway of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

The signs listed in this section may be indicators of abuse and neglect. The existence of one sign or even the prolonged existence of one sign does not necessarily prove the existence of abuse of neglect and may be related to other factors. While we must be on the lookout for potential signs of abuse and neglect, we must also proceed with caution in concluding that abuse or neglect is present based only on these signs. We will talk more later in this article about what to do when you suspect abuse, but it is important to remember that false accusations of abuse or neglect can harm not only the accused by the child you are trying to protect in the first place. In the end, the best way to assess a situation is to have a personal relationship with the child that you have developed beforehand that will allow you to discern what is going on. Of course, this is not always possible.

Each section includes potential signs of abuse to look for in the children and to look for in parents. The section of general signs also includes things to look for specifically related to the relationship between the child and the parent. Continue reading

This may seem like a silly question to you.  If it does, that’s great, but there are lots of kids who ask themselves the question, did I cause my parents’ divorce.

Did You Cause Your Parents’ Divorce?

Do you ever wondered if you did something to cause your parents’ divorce?  Do you ever wonder if your parents would still be together if you had behaved better or kept your room cleaner or been nicer to your little sister?  There is a simple answer to those questions, and the question: “Did I cause my parents’ divorce?”

That answer is:

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Learning about the emotional brain or the limbic part of the brain is an important part of working with the child of divorce. The limbic system is located in the mid part of our brain and serves many functions including:

• Generating emotions/feelings
• Directing our emotions
• Helping to motivate us
• Directing our drive
• Arousing our attachment
• Establishing the ability for us to have attachments and relationships
• Storing highly charged emotional memories
• Being territorial
• Taping events as internally important
• Controlling appetite and sleep cycles
• Storing the unconscious part of the brain (everything ever said is stored in this part of the brain)

Brain research is showing that nurturing and encouraging environments shape brains for a lifetime of healthy adjustments, to strive and thrive. Our early life wires our brain for connecting and attaching to others. Child abuse, constant stress (like that which comes from living in two homes or generally through the divorce of parents) and discouraging environments may alter brain chemistry and affect a child’s learning ability and scripture memorization.

The limbic system or the emotional brain is always asking, “Am I loved?”

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