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Modern Families

7 Keys To Making Co-Parenting Work

Co-ParentingRosalind Sedacca shares seven keys to making your co-parenting relationship work for your kids following a divorce. Although you can’t eliminate the impact of divorce on your kids, working together and following some basic rules can make post-divorce life easier on your kids.

Rosalind explains,

As a divorce and parenting coach, I’ve found that children of divorce do best when both of their parents continue to be actively involved in their lives. It’s the ongoing connection that makes the positive difference for these children, minimizing the fact that their parents no longer live together.

That’s why co-parenting is so universally encouraged after divorce as a significant way to reduce the long-term emotional impact on children. Co-parenting styles and arrangements can differ widely from family to family to suit their individual needs. However, most all professionals agree that co-parenting will only succeed if some basic agreements are made and kept and significant mistakes are avoided.

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August 17, 2018by Wayne Stocks
Divorce and Family Disruption

The Power of Choices and Children of Divorce

Power of ChoicesOne of the tragedies of divorce for children is the feeling of helplessness. Many adults who experienced their parents’ divorce report that, as children, they felt powerless and vulnerable. For the children, it seems as though everything is out of control. Changing routines, people moving out, and things and belongings disappearing are just a few of the changes these children experience. There is no preparation for many children. So often the adults in a child’s life don’t talk about or explain what is taking place. The children are left to their own imaginations.

Children react differently. For some children the loss of power and feelings of helplessness will thrust them into acting out and aggressive behaviors. These children come across as distracted, not able to concentrate and not able to hold still or cooperate. Leaders will need to work at empowering them. Some of you may be thinking of particular children, and you may be saying,

“Empower them? They are totally disrupting the group now. Give them more power? No way!”

How to Empower Children in a Healthy Way

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August 15, 2018by Linda Ranson Jacobs
Divorce and Family Disruption

Helping Children Understand Divorce (MU Extension)

Helping Children Understand DivorceFrom MU Extension at the University of Missouri-Columbia, the purpose of “Helping Children Understand Divorce” is to provide parents and other adults with guidance on how to help children understand their parents’ divorce.  It includes information on how to tell children about divorce and how to talk with children about divorce.  From the child’s perspective, this resource includes a list of six things that kids need from mom and dad in the face of a divorce.  It also includes suggestion on specific books you can use to help kids understand divorce along with a brief description of each book.

All of those are great resources, but the most useful tool included in this publication is a two page pamphlet that lays out information about divorce for each age/stage of development for a child (infants, toddlers, preschool and early elementary and preteens and adolescents).  For each stage, the pamphlet includes information on what the child understands at that age, children’s thoughts and feelings and what parents can do for children at each age.

LINK TO RESOURCE:

http://extension.missouri.edu/p/GH6600

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August 13, 2018by Wayne Stocks
Divorce and Family Disruption

Rebuilding Parental Self Esteem After Divorce Takes It Toll

parental self esteemWe all know divorce can be devastating on many levels. But sometimes we forget its emotional toll. In addition to the physical and financial stress on both partners, divorce can also wreak havoc on one’s self-esteem. Even those who initiate the divorce process can experience tremendous emotional turmoil resulting in guilt, anxiety and insecurity. Those who were not expecting or in any way desiring the break-up can come away feeling psychologically battered, confused and questioning their own worth.

It’s hard to tackle these burdens alone. A support group, private coach, professional counselor or other similar resources will be very valuable in reminding parents that

1) You are not alone in your experiences or feelings, and

2) There is a brighter future ahead for you – if you take proactive steps in that direction.

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August 10, 2018by Rosalind Sedacca
Divorce and Family Disruption

Grandparents Parenting the Child of Divorce

Grandparents ParentingOne kindergartner says to a second kindergartner,

“Hey Taylor, your grandma’s going to be here in a minute to pick you up.”

Second kindergartner,

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August 8, 2018by Linda Ranson Jacobs
Divorce and Family Disruption

Divorce and Children: Advice for Parents on Putting Children First

Putting Children FirstLINK

http://www.divorceandchildren.com/

ABOUT THE SITE

Divorce and Children: Advice for Parents on Putting Children First is the homepage of Christina McGhee.  Christina is a divorce coach and parent educator.  The focus of her work is on “helping children and families successfully manage the challenges of divorce.”  The focus of much of what Christina does is to help children and families to use the difficult events and circumstances they find themselves in as a result of divorce as a catalyst for positive change.

AVAILABLE RESOURCES

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August 6, 2018by Wayne Stocks
Divorce and Family Disruption

An Explanation of Divorce for Kids (KidsHealth.org)

Explanation of DivorceFrom KidsHealth.org, “An Explanation of Divorce for Kids” is a guide to divorce written specifically for kids.

It starts with a simple explanation of what divorce is:

A divorce happens after a husband and wife decide not to live together anymore and that they no longer want to be married to each other. They agree to sign legal papers that make them each single again and allow them to marry other people if they want to.

From there, the article explains that “Divorce Is Tough For Everyone,” and includes the important reminders that “Kids Don’t Cause Divorce” and “Kids Can’t Fix Divorce.”

If your parents are getting a divorce, or you know someone whose parents are divorced, this is a great resource to find out the basics about divorce.

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August 3, 2018by Wayne Stocks
Divorce and Family Disruption

I Hate Divorce

Hate Divorce

“‘I hate Divorce,’ says the Lord God of Israel”

For some church leaders and children’s workers, it may be hard to truly understand what happens with a child of divorce inside their heads, within their hearts and under their skin.

Plainly stated, children lose their family. They lose a mom and dad living together as a unit. While this may seem like it is a simple statement, it has monumental outcomes when it comes to living the life of a child. Family is where you are supposed to feel safe, carefree and loved. It is where you learn to navigate life. It is where you learn what you believe and you are able to experiment with values and learn family traditions. It is part of who you are when you grow up and become an adult.

Children go from living in one world, which is hard enough when you are little kid, to living in two completely different worlds with different rules, values and many times beliefs. At times these worlds collide and then continue to change rapidly. It is hard to figure out schedules and logistics. Many times a child doesn’t even know who is picking them up from school or where they are going to spend the night let alone understand what mom or dad believe about God.

Everything may become uncertain to the child. Questions such as,

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August 1, 2018by Linda Ranson Jacobs
Divorce and Family Disruption

Why Divorce Threatens a Child’s Sense of Being

Divorce Threatens a Child's Sense of BeingOn the issue of why divorce threatens a child’s sense of being, Andrew Root writes in his book, The Children of Divorce: The Loss of Family as a Loss of Being:

It is my belief that our humanity (and very being) is upheld in community. for each one of us, the most significant and core of these communities is the one mad up of a biological mother and father. Witout their community, their would be no child. So when that community is destroyed, it is a threat to the child’s being. Divorce, therefore, should be seen as OT just the slit of a social unit, but the break of the community in which the child’s identity sts. Divorce is much more than a psychological or sociological reality. It is about something deeper than economic advantage, psychological stability, or social capital. Divorce is a threat to a child’s very ontology, to his or her very being…when the community that rated a child dissolves, the child is left exposed not only psychologically and socially, but ontologically.

It the remainder of the book, he skillfully and convincingly argues that the reason so many people underestimate the impact of divorce of children is because they do not realize the ontological impacts of divorce. Ontology is the branch of metaphysics that deals with the study of the nature of existence or being. In other words, Root shows how divorce not only impacts a child emotionally and socially, but at the very core, divorce causes children to question their very sense of being. after all, if the two people who created a child are no longer together, and the community they spent their first years in no longer exists, why do they exist?

Root explains how, as children, we draw our sense of being primarily from the family we are a part of. When that family is torn apart, the child not only must adjust to the many changes that divorce brings but also wrestle with why they even exist. The book is a “deep read,” but I do recommend it for anyone who knows or works with children. If you work with any number of kids, statistics show that you likely work with some whose parents have divorced. This book will help you to understand what they are going through.

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July 30, 2018by Wayne Stocks
Divorce and Family Disruption

On the Importance of Parents Getting Along After A Divorce

Parents Getting AlongIn “On the Importance of Parents Getting Along After A Divorce” from the Huffington Post, Shanon Bradley-Colleary shares an important first hand account on the importance of her parents getting along after their divorce.  So many times, children of divorce are left reeling and wondering why they even exist in the face of their parents divorce.  Ms. Bradley-Colleary’s experience was what you might call a success story:

Sitting at a table listening to my parent’s talk about these escapades — with my stepmom laughing along — made me feel like I am something more than a beloved mistake. They had a history and a story that had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with me becoming the person I am today.

I love my parents — the three I have remaining and my stepdad Guido who is gone, but has left his mark on me too. Despite all of my poor-me-child-of-divorce-violin-in-A-minor sonatas, I had great parents. I have great parents. And I’m grateful, grateful, grateful that they love each other. Thanks mom and dad.

ARTICLE LINK: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shannon-colleary/when-your-divorced-parent_b_3007254.html

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July 27, 2018by Wayne Stocks
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