Editors Note: We are excited to welcome Kay Westwood to our team of writers at Hope 4 Hurting Kids. We have no doubt that her experience as both a parent and a mental health practitioner will be a blessing to the Hope 4 Hurting Kids community.

Sometimes we assume that anger is the only emotion in children that needs to be listened to and addressed. Many times though, particularly with children who are hurting, it is the silence that we should be listening to.

Why do children choose silence?

If you ask a child who is going through dramatic changes in their life if they’re okay, they will most likely say “yes.” Why is this, if it’s not what they mean? It’s because: Continue reading

Nationally the majority of divorced families leave the church. Some might stay and in rare situations both partners try to stay involved in the same church. But for the most part after a divorce, the family fades away never to be seen at church again.

Some of the research on adult children of divorce shows that many children are almost as disappointed with the church for their lack of empathy and neglect as they were at the parent who left the home. What can a church do to help the divorcing single parent family stay connected to the church?

#1: Learn and understand what is going on in the family

What do church leaders really know about divorcing families? Many know that divorcing families are messy. They know there is usually some fighting going on between the two people. They know there are many problems associated with the divorce. But how many really know what the problems are? What are the problems related to? I’m not saying you need to know all the lurid details but it does help to have an understanding of the situation.

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Many of the young people we work with here at Hope 4 Hurting Kids have experienced some sort of trauma in their lives. Whether we are dealing with the trauma itself or the side effects of it, it is important to understand what trauma really is and the impact it has on kids. This past week, I was listening to a podcast called the Trauma Informed Support podcast (www.tipbs.com) which included the most concise and clear definition I have heard. The podcast is directed towards teachers working with kids who have experienced a trauma, and I would expand the list of potential traumas included, but other than I think it is perfect for anyone working with young people. The name of the podcast is “What is Childhood Trauma?” Here is a transcript of the podcast which includes a link to the site.

“A traumatic event is an incident that causes physical, emotional, spiritual or psychological harm. The person experiencing the distressing event may feel threatened, anxious or frightened as a result. The term “childhood trauma” describes the problem of children’s exposure to multiple or prolonged traumatic events and the impact of this exposure on their development.

Typically complex trauma exposure involves the simultaneous or sequential occurrence of child maltreatment including psychological maltreatment, neglect, physical and sexual abuse and domestic violence that is chronic, begins in early childhood and occurs within the primary care giving system.

Experiences of elevated prolonged stress or trauma rock the very core of children and young people. In these circumstances, children are overwhelmed with the internal reactions that race through their brains and bodies. They do anything to survive, not because they want to but because they need to. They shut down their feelings. They push away memories of pain. They stop relying on relationships around them to protect them. They stop trusting and believing in others.

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Welcome back as we continue our “Sunday Morning Strategies” series designed to help you to accommodate children of divorce and children from single parent homes in your Sunday morning children’s ministry. For the last several installments, we have looked at different strategies for dealing with parents from divorced homes. In the coming weeks, we are going to look at developing relationships with children of divorce.  This week, we will examine some of the difficulties inherent in forming such relationships, and in the coming weeks we will look at some strategies you can employ to develop these relationships.

The Importance of Relationships

Relationships are key to any type of ministry. Ultimately, our goal is that the kids in our ministry will form a relationship with Jesus Christ. Toward that end, we endeavor to form relationships with these kids and to afford them opportunities to form relationships with one another. The relationships we develop with the children in our ministries allow us to speak into their lives and to model Christian living for them.

The Difficulty of Forming Relationships With Children of Divorce

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Next to your parents actually getting a divorce, the hardest thing you might face is when they start dating other people.  It’s weird to see your father with someone other than your mother or your mother with anyone other than your father.  And, it’s natural for you to not want your parents to date other people.  Sometimes, it’s hard to get past the “weird factor” and accept this new phase of your parents’ lives.  Hopefully your mom or dad has given you, and themselves, enough time to adjust to the divorce before they start dating.  If not, have a conversation with them about how their dating makes you feel, and try to come up with some agreed guidelines for their dating.  They are still your parent, but it’s important that they know how you feel about the situation too.

Part of the reason so many kids have trouble adjusting to their parents dating after divorce is because they still hold out hope that their parents will get back together.  Although this doesn’t happen very often, and it is very unlikely that your parents will actually get back together, many children of divorce continue to cling to a sliver of hope that their parents might reunite.  When parents start to see other people, even that small sliver of hope is dashed and that makes it hard for kids to accept.

Some kids don’t like the idea of their parents dating after a divorce because they are afraid that their parent will find someone they want to spend more time with and stop spending as much time with them. Maybe you are concerned that if your parents start dating they won’t be home at night or they’ll miss your dance recital or baseball game. Maybe you’re concerned that they won’t be home for dinner or to help you with your homework. If this is your concern, sit down and talk to your parents. Sometimes just talking about your concerns will help you to feel better, and it will let your parents know that this is something that concerns you.

Another thing that makes it hard for some kids to accept their parents dating is because they feel like they are being disloyal to the other parent when they like the person their parent is dating.  If your father has a new girlfriend, you might feel like you are rejecting your mother if you accept her and try to get along with her.  The fact is that no one can, or will, ever replace either of your parents.  You may end up with “extra” adults in your life, but your mom will always be your mom and your dad will always be your dad.  That doesn’t mean that you can’t accept the new people and their role in your life as well.

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Every child has dreams and when parents divorce or break up, silence from the adults in their lives can tend to destroy the dreams in a normal child centered environment. All children are self-centered. That’s how God made us – to depend on our parents and other adults.

However, when there is a crisis such as a divorce, kids need people to talk to them and explain what is happening and what’s going to happen. Children don’t need silence from the very people they depend upon to help them through the rough patches of life.

Many divorcing parents don’t know what to say to their child so they don’t say much. Some will sit the kids down and tell them they are getting a divorce but they stop short of explaining exactly what that means.

• Does it mean one parent is moving out?
• Does it mean you’ll never get to see the other parent?
• Does it mean the parent no longer loves you? The child thinks if the parents fell out of love with each other than they very well could fall out of love with the child too.
• Who is going to take care of me as in love me, feed me, keep me safe and put me to bed at night?

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I’ll probably date myself with this one, but back when I was growing up, there was a popular song about the relationship between kids and parents called “Parents Just Don’t Understand.” Nowhere is this more evident than when talking about disrupted families.

One of the issues we face in making people aware of the impact of divorce on kids is the general disconnect between how parents and other adults view how their kids react to a family disruption and how the kids react. Until we begin to truly see divorce from the child’s point of view, we cannot be in a position to minister to them.

Recently, a British site called NetMums.com recently surveyed 1,000 parents and 100 children about the impact of family disruption and the perceptions of both parents and kids. Their conclusion was simple:

“Our new report reveals separating parents are in denial about the impact their divorce can have on their children.”

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If you’ve ever been a parent, worked with kids, or even been around kids, you understand the importance of stuffed animals in a child’s life. I remember when my daughter was 5, she had to have her tonsils out. Her mother and I got her a purple baby doll to “keep her company” as she went into surgery. From that point on, that six-inch tall purple doll became a source of comfort to her as she faced difficult things in life. There is no doubt that stuffed animals can bring comfort to a child, but did you know that they can also provide valuable insights into what is going on in a child’s life?

Fred Roger’s once said:

Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood.

Children talk through their play, and if you’re working with hurting young people, you need to be tuned into their play in order to understand what they are going through. Stuffed animals offer you an opportunity to get kids talking who might otherwise keep things bottled up inside.

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Welcome back as we continue our “Sunday Morning Strategies” series designed to help you to accommodate children of divorce and children from single parent homes in your Sunday morning children’s ministry. Two weeks ago we started a series on issues related to dealing with parents and we identified three different types of divorced parents you are likely to deal with:

• The Warring Parents
• The Absent Parents
• The Other Parent

This week we conclude our series by looking at the Other Parent.

3. The Other Parent

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

When your parents split up it’s hard.  There are tons of changes that happen in your life, and you may never really get used to the idea though you will likely adapt to your new life eventually.  One thing that makes the process even harder though is when you parents start to date other people.  When your Mom starts dating other guys or your Dad starts dating other women, it’s hard to get past the initial “ick” factor” let alone learn to cope with the whole dating thing.  That’s why so many kids try to keep their parents from dating at all.  For more on that, check out “How Can I Keep My Parents From Dating After Divorce?”

Assuming you couldn’t stop them from dating, and most kids can not, you may be wondering what you can do to help make the situation easier or better.  Here are some tips:

1. Try not to compare your parents’ new dating interest to your other parent.  If your Dad is dating someone new, don’t spend time constantly trying to figure out how she is or isn’t like you Mom.  Same thing if your Mom is dating someone new.  Try not to compare them to, or judge them, based on your Dad.
2. Remember that no matter what happens with your parents’ new dating relationships, no one will ever replace your mom and dad.  You may have additional grown ups in your life, but you only have one mom and one dad.
3. Don’t determine that you will not get along with your parents’ new dating partner.  Don’t hold your parents’ divorce against them.  They may be a very nice person.  It’s ok to like them, and it’s easier when you’re not looking for them to be a replacement mom or dad.  Liking your parents’ new boyfriend or girlfriend does not mean that you are betraying your other parent.
4. Speak to them like you would any other adult (perhaps the parent of one of your friends, or a teacher at school or church).  You may not like that your Mom or Dad is dating them, but that doesn’t give you the right to be disrespectful.  Remember the Golden Rule and apply it to them like you would anyone else – “Treat others the way you would want to be treated.”
5. Don’t bad mouth the new people in your parents’ lives to the other parent.  That isn’t your role and will only serve to make the tension between your parents worse.
6. Spend time with your mom or dad away from their new relationship.  Remind them, in a nice way, that you still want some time alone with them and ask if they would be willing to do that with you.
7. If your parents’ new dating interest makes you feel unsafe let your parent know that.  If they do anything inappropriate, report it to proper authorities immediately.  If you don’t know where to report it, talk to someone at school or church who can likely help you (a counselor, minister or teacher).
8. Find someone you trust to share what you are going through.  Make sure that it is someone who is willing to tell you if you are being unreasonable or are wrong.  It doesn’t do you, or anyone else, any good to only talk with people who are going to “side with” you no matter what.
9. Give it time.  All relationships take time to develop and grow.  Whatever relationship you might have with your parents dating partners will also take time to develop.  Don’t write them off right away, and don’t be discouraged because you are not instant best friends.

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