H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

That is a fair question, and if you’ve gone to church and/or believe in God you may very well have asked yourself that question since your parents separated or got divorced.  Where was God?  Why didn’t He stop the divorce?  Why didn’t He answer my prayers?  Maybe you even blame your parents’ divorce on God?  Maybe you wonder how a loving God could let your family fall apart like it has.

In order to understand where God was when your parents divorced, you must first understand God’s view of divorce and His love for all people.

God Hates Divorce

The Bible is clear that God hates divorce.  He hates all sin, and divorce is a sin.  Divorce is one of many sins that God does not like, but sin is basically anything that God wants us to do that we don’t do and things He doesn’t want us to do that we do.  This sin separates us from God and can hurt us and/or the people around us which is one of the reasons God hates it.

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Grief and worry can often leave young people feeling all alone and isolated. The Shield of Strength is a fun craft and activity to get kids thinking about their own assets and other people in their lives that can be there to help them when they need it the most. You can click on the picture above to get a downloadable template for the Shield of Strength as well as the instructions.

Here’s how it works:

1. Draw a shield pattern like the one above on a large piece of cardboard or poster board.
2. Divide the shield into four sections by drawing a horizontal and vertical line.
3. Label the four quadrants as “Family,” “Friends,” “Skills” and “Others.”
4. Cut the shield out.
5. Write people or skills/abilities in each section that can help to protect you or help you feel better when you’re feeling down.
6. Keep the shield as a reminder that you are never alone in the struggles and difficulties that you face.
7. Instead of making a large shield, you can use the template on the following page to create a smaller version.

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When I was a little girl my parents took my younger sister and I to a “fun house”. This house had a slanted floor with crooked walls, and it had distorted mirrors throughout the house. When we walked into the house I felt fairly normal. It felt a little strange to walk on a slanted floor. However, It wasn’t until I turned around and saw my sister standing there at an angle that I realized how un-normal I looked. When we saw our images in the distorted mirror, we both began to realize how strange we looked. Depending on how you moved, you might have a big or a little head, short or long legs or other weird looking body parts. The view of ourselves was distorted.

You might say that children of divorce have a distorted view of God and distorted images of spiritual issues. Like our images in the distorted mirrors at the fun house, things like praying, reading the Bible, and having a faith walk look strange to a child of divorce. That is, of course, unless someone has taken the time to model and discuss spiritual issues with them. Children of divorce may feel fairly normal until they see and compare themselves with other children at church, then they realize they are un-normal and strange looking in a Christian world.

Just like we teach children to say “please, thank you” and other terms of respect, we have to teach what I coin as “spiritual mannerisms” to children. When we teach manners we might start by modeling what we want the child to do. Next we might say, “What do you say when I give you a cookie?” In other words we consciously teach children about manners.

The same holds true for spiritual mannerisms. We bow our heads when we pray. We quote the Ten Commandments or say the Lord’s Prayer. We model a faith walk and quiet times. We teach respect for the church and for God. We display joy, kindness, love and forgiveness toward one another. Children will do and say what is modeled for them.

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September is Suicide Prevention Month and it’s time for another H4HK Cheat Sheet to help people to better understand the issue of suicide and how they can help. So far, we’ve looked at Suicide Risk Factors and Warning Signs. The text of today’s cheat sheet is included below and a printable pdf version can be accessed by clicking the picture above.

Introduction

If you have a friend who you think is considering suicide, you may feel lost or wonder what the right thing to do is or whether you should do anything at all. While there is no one right thing to say or do, this cheat sheet will help you to have something to say when saying nothing can have dire consequences and to avoid doing things which are not helpful.

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Whether you are a parent going through a divorce, a grandparent of children going through a divorce, a friend of such a child or someone who works with kids on a regular basis, knowing how to talk to children of divorce can be instrumental in helping them process what is going on in their world. These are some things you need to know about communicating with children of divorce. This list has been adapted from the list “The Art of Communicating With Children” from the book Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce the Sandcastles Way by M. Gary Newman (1998, Times Books Random House, p.13). I have added my own notes on how each item might look to parents and to children’s ministry workers.

1. Children want – and need – to talk.

Talking is essential to allow children to process the emotions they are feeling. Even if a child does not want to talk now, you can rest assured that they will want to talk at some point. Don’t be discouraged if this talking requires a little bit of prompting. For parents, understand that talking about what they are feeling is critical to your children. For children’s ministry workers, you should recognize that your environment may be the most “sane” 60 or 90 minutes a child of divorce experiences every week. Take advantage of that time to give them an opportunity to talk.

2. Any time can be a good time to talk.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Many times when people get divorced, one or both or the parties to the divorce move.  It may be just down the street, or across town or to another city entirely.  Maybe your Dad lives in another state or Mom has moved to an entirely different country.  What can you do to maintain a relationship with a parent who no longer lives close by?

This can be a tough situation, and it can be hard to stay in contact because of distance and time constraints.  There are some things you can do in those circumstances however to make sure that you still maintain a relationship with your distant parent. So, what can you do to stay in touch with a parent when you don’t get to speak with them or see much if at all?  Here are some ideas:

1. Introduce your distant parent to new technology.  In these days of instant communication, you don’t have to see your parent face-to-face to communicate with them. Apps like Facetime and Skype allow almost anyone to video conference these days, and there is no reason you can’t see your parent and talk to them using these great programs.  Texting, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram all allow you to share what is going on in your life and allow your parent to do the same.  There are apps for other devices like iPods and Tablets that allow you to text even if you don’t have a cellular connection.
2. Write letters.  From new high-tech gadgets to old school, there is still something special about a handwritten letter.  Pour your heart out, or just let your parent know what is going on in your life.  A handwritten letter is just more personal than a message on a smart phone.
3. Record videos and send them to your parent.  They might not be able to be at your school recital or soccer game, but there’s no reason they can’t experience some of it.  Make a little video, even if it’s just a short Vine or Instagram video, and send it to them.  Ask them to video themselves and send it back to you.
4. Send personal things back and forth.  If you created a work of art in school, or in your spare time, send it to your parent.  If they go on a business trip, ask them to get you something and send it to you.  Make a “treasure box” that you can send back and forth.
5. Keep a journal. One reason that proximity helps to build relationships is because you get to share mutual experiences.  You can’t do that if your parent lives hours away, but if you keep a journal of things you want to let your parent know, or exciting things you want to share with them, you can make sure that they don’t miss out entirely on the important moments of your life.  Consider keeping two journals, you write in one one month and your parent writes in the other, then you swap them (by mail) and you get to read your parents’ journal for the last month and record your thoughts in that one.
6. Schedule a regular trip.  Just because you can’t see your parent as much as you would like doesn’t mean you can’t schedule regular trips to see them whether you go there or they come to see you.  Even if it’s only once or twice a year, talk to your parents about putting something on the calendar so you have that time to look forward to.

Your new arrangement is difficult, no doubt, but with a little bit of work and imagination, you can find a way to keep your relationship with your distant parent strong and thriving.  If there are other things you have tried, please share them in the comments below so we can all learn from you.

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Leave the Room is a fun game to play with kids and teens to help them better understand their emotions, and it’s simple to set up and play. You can play it in a one-on-one situation, but it’s most fun in a small group.

Here’s how it works:

1. Send one person out of the room (the guesser).
2. Pick an emotion and let the remaining kids (and adults) in the room know what the emotion is. You may need to help younger kids who aren’t familiar with the emotion you’ve selected.
3. Explain that everyone should act out the emotion (either with or without making sound depending on how you’re playing).
4. Have the guesser come back in the room and try to guess the emotion.

For a fun variation, tell the people acting out the emotion that they can only use their face.

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Parenting alone can be a tough journey when one doesn’t feel well. Most single parents will continue to go to work when they don’t feel well. They do this so they can save their sick days for when their child is sick so they can stay home with that child. But, what happens when the single mom or dad is really sick and they need help?

I know there were a few times in my single parent life when I got sick, but I never had to be hospitalized or face a life-threatening situation. I would like to think had that happened my church family would have stepped up and helped. But do churches do that for single parents?

I know of one single mom that faced cancer. She had a four-year old child. During her cancer she came to know Christ as her Savior through our church reaching out to her. When she found out the cancer was terminal she reached out to our church and to me more than she called on her non-Christian family. Here are some things she liked for us to do:

• Come to the house and visit with her or sometimes just sit with her.
• Bring fun things to the house for her daughter such as ice cream to eat. My friend couldn’t eat ice cream, but she enjoyed watching her daughter get excited that she had ice cream to eat and she had someone to eat it with her.
• Come and read the Bible to her.
• At one point, she asked me to help her plan her own funeral. She wanted a Christian funeral, and her family couldn’t comprehend what that would look like.
• When she went into the hospital toward the end of her life, she liked for me to come and sing her favorite praise songs to her.

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September is Suicide Prevention Month and it’s time for another H4HK Cheat Sheet to help people to better understand the issue of suicide and how they can help. Last week we looked at Suicide Risk Factors, and today we’re looking at Warning Signs. Check back next Tuesday for our final cheat sheet in this series.  The text of today’s cheat sheet is included below and a printable pdf version can be accessed by clicking the picture above.

Introduction

Warning Signs of suicide are those things to watch out for in a person’s life and actions that may indicate they are contemplating or planning suicide. They are different than risk factors which are things about a person’s history and background that statistically make them more likely to commit suicide. It is important to consider both the warning signs (current and specific to an individual) and the risk factors (historic and based on a person’s experiences) when assessing their risk of suicide.

IS PATH WARM

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Divorce brings a multitude of change and chaos into the lives of children and with them the various emotions of divorce. That change and chaos breeds all sorts of new and strong emotions that children are often ill-equipped to deal with on their own. Many of these emotions will be entirely new to these children, and most have not developed enough to deal with them by themselves. Further compounding the problem is that many parents are also ill-equipped to help their children deal with the emotions they are experiencing because the parents are also drowning in a tidal wave of emotion.

Some of the common emotions that a child might feel related to their parents’ divorce include:

• Anger
• Anxiety
• Chaos
• Confusion
• Denial
• Depression
• Embarrassment
• Fear
• Grief
• Guilt
• Loneliness
• Loss
• Obligation
• Powerlessness
• Rejection
• Sadness
• Shock
• Stress
• Torn
• Vulnerability
• Withdrawal

Adults need to be in a position to help children to recognize and deal with the emotions that their parents’ divorce has caused to well up inside of them. Failure to deal with these emotions head on will only allow them to fester inside of the child only to boil over at some later point.

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