H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

This article from SafeTeen.org helps teens to understand how they might feel following the divorce of their parents and things they can do to help.  Although brief, this article provides a good overview and some sound suggestions.  The article explains:

Your parents are getting a divorce. Whether this is expected or unexpected, it is a traumatizing and overwhelming event to experience. Sometimes, teens and children feel like they somehow caused the divorce.

It offers the following advice to teens on how to make the divorce easier:

• Be fair to both parents
• Work it out
• Stay in touch
• Don’t worry about the future
• Keep living your life
• Focus on the positive

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Following the divorce or separation of your parents, your relationship with them may feel distant or strained.  It may be the case that you have been angry with them and have intentionally avoided them causing your relationship to suffer.  They might be busy with adjusting to a new life away from your other parent and not be spending time with you.  You may both be avoiding one another because you don’t know what to say, or maybe you’re afraid that you’ll hurt your parents’ feelings if you tell them what you’re really thinking.

Whether you admit it or not, most children instinctively desire to protect their parents.  No matter how wrong you might think they were to get divorced in the first place, you may be reluctant to share the emotions and troubles you have for fear of making things worse for them.

On the other hand, if your parents are divorced or separated, you are likely experiencing some emotions you have never felt before or never felt quite this intensely.  Many of the articles and resources on this site are designed to help you process those emotions and understand and deal with them better.

That said, you still need someone to talk to about your emotions.  Just the process of naming your emotions and talking about your struggles is an important first step in overcoming them.  The person you talk to may be a friend or a trusted adult, but sometimes the person you really need to talk to is your parent.  It may be scary or uncomfortable, but in the long-term you will both benefit from having the conversation.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

If you ever wonder if it’s ok to love both of your parents after a divorce or separation, the answer to this question is simple:

YES

You absolutely have the right to love both of your parents no matter what happened in their relationship with one another.

Sometimes the fact that you love one parent might make things uncomfortable for the other parent, and other times you might feel like the fact that you love your Dad makes your Mom mad or vice-versa.  Unfortunately, you might be right. Especially when parents have gotten a divorce, one or both parents may harbor resentment and anger towards the other parent.  They might even try to influence you to feel the same way they do about your other parent.  What they are doing isn’t fair to you, but it is likely the result of the frustration and stress that they are feeling.  Unfortunately, parents are human beings too, and even parents make mistakes.

One fundamental right that every child from a divorced or separated home should have is the freedom to love both parents.  If you are in a situation where one parent is making that hard or uncomfortable, there are some things you can do to try to make the situation better: Continue reading

H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

That is a fair question, and if you’ve gone to church and/or believe in God you may very well have asked yourself that question since your parents separated or got divorced.  Where was God?  Why didn’t He stop the divorce?  Why didn’t He answer my prayers?  Maybe you even blame your parents’ divorce on God?  Maybe you wonder how a loving God could let your family fall apart like it has.

In order to understand where God was when your parents divorced, you must first understand God’s view of divorce and His love for all people.

God Hates Divorce

The Bible is clear that God hates divorce.  He hates all sin, and divorce is a sin.  Divorce is one of many sins that God does not like, but sin is basically anything that God wants us to do that we don’t do and things He doesn’t want us to do that we do.  This sin separates us from God and can hurt us and/or the people around us which is one of the reasons God hates it.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Many times when people get divorced, one or both or the parties to the divorce move.  It may be just down the street, or across town or to another city entirely.  Maybe your Dad lives in another state or Mom has moved to an entirely different country.  What can you do to maintain a relationship with a parent who no longer lives close by?

This can be a tough situation, and it can be hard to stay in contact because of distance and time constraints.  There are some things you can do in those circumstances however to make sure that you still maintain a relationship with your distant parent. So, what can you do to stay in touch with a parent when you don’t get to speak with them or see much if at all?  Here are some ideas:

1. Introduce your distant parent to new technology.  In these days of instant communication, you don’t have to see your parent face-to-face to communicate with them. Apps like Facetime and Skype allow almost anyone to video conference these days, and there is no reason you can’t see your parent and talk to them using these great programs.  Texting, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram all allow you to share what is going on in your life and allow your parent to do the same.  There are apps for other devices like iPods and Tablets that allow you to text even if you don’t have a cellular connection.
2. Write letters.  From new high-tech gadgets to old school, there is still something special about a handwritten letter.  Pour your heart out, or just let your parent know what is going on in your life.  A handwritten letter is just more personal than a message on a smart phone.
3. Record videos and send them to your parent.  They might not be able to be at your school recital or soccer game, but there’s no reason they can’t experience some of it.  Make a little video, even if it’s just a short Vine or Instagram video, and send it to them.  Ask them to video themselves and send it back to you.
4. Send personal things back and forth.  If you created a work of art in school, or in your spare time, send it to your parent.  If they go on a business trip, ask them to get you something and send it to you.  Make a “treasure box” that you can send back and forth.
5. Keep a journal. One reason that proximity helps to build relationships is because you get to share mutual experiences.  You can’t do that if your parent lives hours away, but if you keep a journal of things you want to let your parent know, or exciting things you want to share with them, you can make sure that they don’t miss out entirely on the important moments of your life.  Consider keeping two journals, you write in one one month and your parent writes in the other, then you swap them (by mail) and you get to read your parents’ journal for the last month and record your thoughts in that one.
6. Schedule a regular trip.  Just because you can’t see your parent as much as you would like doesn’t mean you can’t schedule regular trips to see them whether you go there or they come to see you.  Even if it’s only once or twice a year, talk to your parents about putting something on the calendar so you have that time to look forward to.

Your new arrangement is difficult, no doubt, but with a little bit of work and imagination, you can find a way to keep your relationship with your distant parent strong and thriving.  If there are other things you have tried, please share them in the comments below so we can all learn from you.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

When your parents split up, it’s easy to blame them and be angry about it. After all, they (or at least one of them) didn’t ask you what you wanted. Chances are you have been angry about that at some point. You might have talked to someone who suggested that you need to forgive your parent(s). But, how? What does it mean to forgive? Why would you even want to?

What is Forgiveness?

Sometimes we choose not to forgive because it seems like offering forgiveness is saying, “what you did is ok.” The truth is, that has nothing to do with forgiveness. The dictionary (dictionary.com) defines forgive as:

“to cancel an indebtedness”

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

When people get divorced, relationships suffer.  Obviously, your parents’ relationship is different, but it can also hurt your relationship with one or both parents.  In some extreme circumstances, a parent may decide they don’t really want anything to do with you anymore.  They can do this by their actions (spending little time with you) or come right out and say it.  The relationship suffers or dies because one of your parents isn’t interested in investing the time in having a relationship with you.  This is unfortunate (tragic even), and you don’t deserve it, but if you do find yourself with a parent who doesn’t really seem to want to spend any time with you, you have to tackle that issue before we discuss ways of staying in touch.

You can’t make your parent want to spend the time with you that you might want to spend with them.  Should they want to spend time with you?  Yes.  Is it unfair that they are no longer acting like a parent? Yes.  Is it your fault that they don’t want to spend time with you? Absolutely not!  Here are some things you need to remember and try if you find yourself with a parent who “just doesn’t have time for you:”

1. Be realistic. Is it true that they aren’t spending any time with you, or is it just the case that they aren’t spending as much time with you as you would like.  Many times after a divorce, schedules get hectic and parents end up working longer hours and running around more. The lack of time may be the result of that, and they may be missing spending time with you as much as you are missing spending it with them.  In that case, hang in there. Explain to them that you miss spending time with them and wait for this season to pass.  Try not to let the current distance harm your future relationship.
2. Don’t blame yourself.  You can’t change your parents.  You didn’t make them the way they are, and you can’t make them switch.  You can ask, but you can’t snap your fingers and make it happen.  Understand that their decision not to spend more time with you is exactly that – THEIR DECISION.  It is not a reflection on you as a person or as a son or daughter. Do not take the blame for someone else’s decision.
3. Accept the fact that you can’t make your parent(s) change.  Your Mom or Dad may never be the kind of Mom or Dad you want or feel like you deserve.  You might never have the relationship with your parent that you feel like you should have. This isn’t as easy as it might sound, but once you finally accept this as true, you can spend your time trying to forge whatever kind of relationship you can based on who your parent is rather than who you want them to be. It also allows you to move yourself from being captive to an ideal to free to go on and become the person you want to be (something you do have some control over).
4. Talk to your parent.  What seems very obvious to you (that they aren’t spending enough time with you) might not even be on their radar.  What’s the worse that can happen – they could confirm what you already believe (that they don’t want to spend time with you). That will hurt, but at least it will be out there on the table!
5. Give it time.  Just because your parent doesn’t seem interested today doesn’t mean that it will never change.  Hopefully they will come to their senses and want to reverse the current trend. They may even come to the realization that they have hurt you and work to make up for that. You can’t make it happen (see #3 above) and you need to accept the current state of things, but that doesn’t mean that you have to abandon all hope.  People change.  Sometimes it is for the worse, but many times it is for the better.
6. Find a trusted adult you can talk to. You won’t be able to replace your “missing” parent, and you shouldn’t try, but it’s important that you have adults in your life that you trust who can help you with things that your distant parent should be doing.  It might be an aunt or an uncle, a family friends or someone from your church, but on the lookout for someone you can talk to and learn from.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

If your parents are divorced, you’ve probably heard them talking about child support, but what is it really? What is child support? What is it for? How does it work? Who is supposed to get it? The purpose of this article is to clear up any questions you might have about child support.

What is child support?

The dictionary defines child support as:

Money paid for the care of one’s minor child, especially payments to a divorced spouse or a guardian under a decree of divorce.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Divorce is hard, and many times when parents get divorced the last thing they want to do is talk to the other spouse. When there are kids involved though, that isn’t an option. Even so, sometimes the anger and the hurt and the emotions are so overwhelming that even parents refuse to talk to one another. Maybe every conversation turns into a fight, or maybe they just can’t stand to be in the room with the other person. Whatever the reason, when parents refuse to talk it is generally the kids who get hurt the most. So, what can you do if your parents refuse to even talk to one another?

What you SHOULDN’T do if your parents aren’t talking

One of the most important things you should do is know those thing you shouldn’t have to do if your parents aren’t speaking:

1. Don’t be their messenger. You are their child not a delivery service and not a messenger service. If your parents refuse to talk to one another and ask you to deliver messages, politely and respectfully explain that you would rather not do that because it makes you uncomfortable, and ask them to find some other way to communicate with one another (see suggestions below).
2. Don’t take sides. Your parents won’t always make the best choices, and when they are angry or fighting, they may be tempted to try to sway you to “take their side” against the other parent. The fact of the matter is, you are free to love both of your parents, and they should respect that decision.
3. Don’t try to play counselor. If your parents need to find someone to help them get along better, they need to find an adult who is removed from the situation. That’s not your job, nor should you try to fill that role.
4. Don’t use it to your advantage. You may be tempted to use the fact that your parents aren’t talking to get your own way or to get one parent to agree to things the other has already said no too. This isn’t fair to your parents, and it will likely come back to haunt you.
5. Don’t take it personally. Even if your parents are fighting about things related to you (visitation, child support, etc.), it is not your fault that they are fighting. Don’t feel guilty about it.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Many children report that they just can’t concentrate on school, or just don’t care, since they found out that their parents are getting a divorce.  Many see a decrease in their grades and test scores, and some take years to “catch back up” if they ever do. If you find yourself in this situation, there are some steps you can take (or you can ask your parents to take) to help.

• Talk to your teachers, and let them know what is going on in your family if your parents haven’t already done that. Chances are that they care about you, and they will be willing to help you with your work through this difficult time.  Whether it is more attention, more time to complete assignments, extra tutoring or just a listening ear, whatever they are willing to offer can help you both with your school work and with getting back into a pattern. It might not seem like it now, but eventually many aspects of your life (like school) will get back to a normal pattern, and your teachers can help you to get through this difficult time until you get back to that pattern.
• Find a trusted adult to talk to about your emotions and struggles related to the divorce. When you keep all of that bottled up inside, your brain tends to focus on it leaving little brain power for homework and school.
• Talk to your friends. If they know what’s going on, they can help you study, give you notes when you “zone out” in a class or need someone to explain something to you.
• If you’re having trouble concentrating, force yourself to take detailed notes in class (even about those things you already know). If you make this a habit it forces you to concentrate, and as an added benefit, it might help to keep your mind off the divorce for a little while.
• Tell your parents that you are struggling at school and why. They might not be in a position to help you, but at least they won’t be surprised by it.
• Try to get homework done as soon as possible. Life is crazy right now, and if you leave your homework to the last second, there is a good chance that something, or someone, will come up that keeps you from getting it done.
• Get a planner. Let’s face it, you’ve got a lot going on in your life and a lot to keep track of these days. Get a calendar or a planner to keep track of where you need to be and when in addition to your homework.
• Fund time to be a kid. It’s easy to get so caught up in what’s going on with the divorce that you forget your primary job – to be a kid. It’s ok to take time to have fund and run and play with your friends.  Give your brain a break from worrying about the divorce and it will be in better shape in terms of doing your schoolwork.