H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Divorce brings all kinds of changes into your life.  Some changes are obvious.  You no longer live in the same house with both your mom and your dad.  Maybe you spend most of your time at one parents’ house and visit the other parents’ house every other weekend, or maybe you split your week between two houses.  Sometimes one parent moves far away and most of your contact with them will be by phone or e-mail.  In some cases, children of divorce don’t see one of their parents very often or at all.  There are many other potential changes.  You might have moved out of your house following the divorce and live in a brand new house or apartment.  Maybe you go to a brand new school or you’re in a living in a new neighborhood or going to a new church.

Some changes in your life are not obvious.  Other people probably don’t even notice these types of changes in your life at all, but you probably do.  Maybe your family had a special Christmas tradition before the divorce that you no longer get to do.  Perhaps you used to sit down every Saturday morning as a family for a pancake breakfast with dad that doesn’t happen anymore since the divorce.  Maybe it’s as simple as missing how Dad used to stop by your bedroom door every night and tell you “Sweet Dreams” as you were drifting off to sleep.  All of these little things may not seem important by themselves, but they form an important part of what we see as “normal.”  We call these little things that you’ve gotten used to rituals and routines and they define what “normal” is to us.

One important things that you can do after a divorce to help things get back to “normal” is to come up with some new rituals and routines to engage in with your family.  They may not be the same rituals and routines from before the divorce, but they can be just as fun and with time they will become just as important to you.  You’ll need to come up with some rituals and routines that work for you and you family, but here are some suggestions:

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Divorce brings with it all kinds of different emotions.  If your parents are divorced, you already know that.  Sometimes you will be sad, sometimes angry, sometimes lonely, and sometimes many other different emotions.  But, is it ok to be happy?  Shouldn’t you be upset and sad following your parents’ divorce? …at least for a little while?

Some kids are happy following their parents divorce, and that is ok!  Maybe your parents fought a lot.  That can be very stressful to you as their child, and maybe you are happy that you just don’t have to listen to it anymore.  Maybe your Dad pays more attention to you when you spend time together after the divorce than he ever did before.  That can definitely make you happy.  Maybe you’ve had to move or something else that you view your life like a big adventure, and going on that adventure makes you happy.  It doesn’t matter what it is that makes you happy, the important thing to remember is that it is perfectly acceptable for you to be happy following your parents’ divorce.  And, no one should tell you otherwise.

When you are happy, enjoy it!  Even if you are generally happy with the divorce, there will likely be times when that fades and you’re not so happy anymore.  That’s ok too.  Sometimes we are  happy, and sometimes we are not – that doesn’t change after a divorce.  The important thing is that we understand that however we feel, that’s ok.  It is also important to recognize how we feel and find someone we trust to talk to about it.  So, if you’re happy go find something fun to do and enjoy being happy.  There is plenty of time for other emotions at a later time.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

When parents get divorced, there are many things that have to be divided between them.  Things like family pictures, checking accounts, vehicles and much more is divided.  Sometimes parents agree how to split these items up, and other times a judge tells people who are divorcing how their stuff will be divided up.

The same things happens for time spent with you.  Before the divorce, you probably spent time with both parents, but after the divorce there will be some sort of visitation schedule that determines who you will spend time with and how much time you will spend with each parent.

One of the other things that gets split up in a divorce is the family’s income (how much money your parents’ earn).  The judge, or your parents if they can agree on an amount, will determine who gets what portion of the family’s income.  The goal is to make sure both parents, and houses, have enough money to live on, but this doesn’t always happen because now the same income has to support two homes instead of just one.

Sometimes one parent earns more than the other parent – maybe your dad worked prior to the marriage and your mom stayed at home or vice versa.  In that case, one parent will earn more money.  In order to make things more fair, the judge may decide that one party has to pay support to the other.  There are two types of support a judge might order – alimony and child support.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Your parents would not have gotten a divorce if their relationship had not been strained in the first place.  In addition, divorce is a hard and stressful time, and many parents come out of a divorce with even more bitter feelings towards one another.  They should understand and appreciate that the other parent is still your parent and still important to you, but sometimes they mess up, forget that or ignore that fact and say things they shouldn’t say either to you or in front of you.

When your parents say bad things about one another, there are a few different things you should try to make the situation better.

1. Remember that there are two sides to every story, and often when we tell stories or talk about other people we are biased by our emotions and circumstances. Make your own judgments about your parents based on your own knowledge and not based on second-hand stories or comments from one parent.
2. Talk to your parents about the situation.  Tell them that you understand they may be upset with your other parent but that you still love them both and won’t pick one over the other.  Let them know that it hurts you to hear them saying negative things about the other parent.  Try to do this in a respectful way, but make it clear that your parent’s actions are hurting you as well, and ask them to stop talking badly about the other parent.  Hopefully this will be enough to get them to stop bad mouthing your other parent.
3. If it is too difficult to have a conversation with your parent, write them a letter explaining the situation and asking them to stop.
4. If you communicate with your parents and they continue to bad mouth the other parent, make a point of removing yourself from the situation next time one parent starts to speak negatively about the other.  It is not healthy for you to continue to listen to it.
5. Remember that parents make mistakes too.  Try to forgive them even when they don’t ask for forgiveness.

Remember, no matter what one parent may say, you have the right to love both of your parents and have both of them in your life. Sometimes when one parent says something bad about the other, it is almost as if they are saying that thing about you. After all, you are one-half of each of your parents. Try not to take what your parents say personally, and remember that their words do not define who you are as a person or an individual. You are not defined by their choices or actions.

H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

It is very common for children whose parents have divorced to hope that their parents might get back together.  Most children of divorce experience this at some point following their parents’ separation.  This desire might last for a long time, and you may get angrier and angrier when it doesn’t happen.  Some kids even try to make deals with their parents or with God.  They might say,

God, if you let my parents get back together, I promise to keep my room clean and never to fight with my sister again.

Or, they might think to themselves,

If I just chip in more and do my chores, then my parents will see the improvement and want to live together again.

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When your parents divorce, your entire world changes.  Many times, you are find out or are given information about one parent or the other which impacts your view of them.  Perhaps one of your parents made bad decisions which and betrayed the trust of your other parent causing the divorce.  Sometimes, your parents’ actions will cause you pain. You may even feel like between you and your parent, you are the one acting like the adult these days.  Given all of that, how can you continue to respect and honor your parents?

Separating the Person from the Position

It is important to separate the the person from the position in your effort to respect and honor both of your parents.  Despite the actions of your parents, they have been put in your life and given the position of parent.  You can respect and honor that position regardless of the acts of the individuals in those positions.  Put another way, even though you’re your mother’s actions have left your father depressed and despondent, you can still respect her role as mother when it comes to setting rules and boundaries.

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This may seem like a silly question to you.  If it does, that’s great, but there are lots of kids who ask themselves the question, did I cause my parents’ divorce.

Did You Cause Your Parents’ Divorce?

Do you ever wondered if you did something to cause your parents’ divorce?  Do you ever wonder if your parents would still be together if you had behaved better or kept your room cleaner or been nicer to your little sister?  There is a simple answer to those questions, and the question: “Did I cause my parents’ divorce?”

That answer is:

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Sometimes when parents talk to kids about things like divorce, they forget that you might not know what a divorce even is.  Or, you might think you know what divorce is all about, but not really understand what it means when your parents get divorced.  That’s ok, but it is helpful to know what a divorce really is when you hear the word used – especially if you are right in the middle of your parents’ divorce.

The word “divorce” is a legal term (something used by lawyers and judges) for when one or both people who are married choose to no longer be married to one another and end up no longer living together.  They sign some legal papers that say that they are single again and free to marry someone else if they choose to do that. Although your day-to-day living arrangements might change, divorce does not in any way change either of your parents’ relationships with you.  Even though your parents are no longer wife and husband, they are still your mom and dad.

Because divorce is a legal proceeding, the people involved (your mom and dad) usually have lawyers or attorneys to explain the laws to them and speak for them in court.  If your parents are getting divorced, you may have to speak to the lawyer for one or both of your parents.  In some cases (especially where parents are having a really hard time getting along), a special lawyer or person is appointed for the child to represent their interests during the divorce.  This person is appointed by the court and are often called a Guardian Ad Litem.  In some places, they are called Court Appointed Special Advocates.

The purpose of the divorce proceeding (including all the meetings and court appearances) is to determine how to split up the assets (all the stuff your parents own) and the custody of any children (how much time you will spend with each parent and when).

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

If your parents are separated or divorced, you may have a lot of spiritual questions about God and faith and the church.  Many times when parents get divorced, kids begin to wonder about why they even exist and sometimes that leads to tough questions about God and faith.  Here at I Am A Child of Divorce, we want to help you as you search through and struggle with many of those questions.  So, we have created a section for “Questions About Spiritual Stuff” that will address these question.

We recognize that discussions about God can be very polarizing and controversial, but the fact of the matter is that God can help you heal after your parents divorce and provide hope.  To ignore that may avoid some controversy, but it would not be fair to you (as someone whose parents divorced) to ignore the issue all together.

Our goal in tackling spiritual issues is to be as honest and as forthright as we know how to be.  If you don’t feel like these particular questions or issues apply to you, please just ignore them and continue to utilize the rest of I Am A Child of Divorce to help yourself in whatever way possible.  However, if you do have questions about God and Faith, we hope that these answers will help you to sort through those issues.

Even if you do not believe in God, or feel like you don’t need faith, I would encourage you to at least read through these questions and answers.  While the principal issues addressed are indeed about God and Faith, they also deal with the broader issues of meaning and existence.  Regardless of what you believe, these are issues that we all have to face and divorce sometimes forces us to face them earlier than we would like.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

When your parents get separated or divorced, you will experience emotions that you may never have had before.  You will also experience emotions much more deeply than you ever have before.  That is normal.  If your parents just recently told you that they are separating or getting a divorce, you are probably still trying to get used to the idea.  You may even be in shock or denial (unwilling to accept the news).

An announcement like that can cause you to feel sad, angry, depressed, lonely, guilty or many other emotions.  It is important that you find someone to talk to about what you’re feeling and what you’re going through.  Find someone you trust (other than your parents) to share your feelings with.  This can be a trusted adult like a teacher, someone from church, or a family friend.  It is important that you “get it out” and not let your emotions just get “bottled up inside.”

It might not seem like it right now, but with time things will get better.  Your life will never be the same as it used to be, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t be happy again.  Don’t rush it.  Take your time.  It’s ok if you don’t feel happy and and it’s ok if you do.  Everyone is unique, and while your friends may seem happy within months of their parents’ divorce, it might take you a year, or two or more.  Or, you might feel like you’ve finally found happiness again one day only to lose it when something else happens.

Hang in there!  Divorce hurts, and it will hurt for years to come, but you and your parents can create a new normal.  As you get used to the new routine, you will find that the things that used to make you happy can make you happy once again.

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