Click here to download the My Family’s Changing Activity Book for Teens.

Background

The “My Family’s Changing Activity Book for Teens” was developed and published by Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) in England. “Every year Cafcass helps over 140,000 children and young people who are going through care or adoption proceedings, or whose parents have separated and are unable to agree about future arrangements for their children. Cafcass is the voice of children in the family courts and helps to ensure that children’s welfare is put first during proceedings.”

The book starts by explaining why this is all happening: Continue reading

Divorce is a time for disconnect. It’s not uncommon for you to feel alone, rejected and insecure in the months following your divorce. So can your children. It is important for you to strengthen your bond with your children during this time of transition – whether you are living with them or apart.

Children want to know they are still loved, valued and cared about. Show them, tell them and keep in close communication with them – during the happy times and the sad ones. They need to know they have a safe place to turn, a shoulder to cry on and a non-judgmental ear when they need it. If divorce has been tough on you – remember it’s even tougher on them – whether they confide that to you or not.

Here are five important ways to reinforce your connection with the children you love.

1. Connect through notes

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When a couple divorces, many times they try to keep it quiet. It might be they are embarrassed or feel it is their private business. More than likely though, they are so overwhelmed with the many decisions, they don’t think about telling other people. A lot of times the school teacher or childcare teachers are the last to know. Many parents just don’t think about alerting these people. Schoolteachers and childcare staff are the very people that need to know because they are the ones a child spends the most time with when away from home.

If you are a children’s minister how can you help the single parent know what to tell the child’s teachers about the divorce?

• First of all it is very important for the teachers to know and understand the family situation. This is especially true with the start of the new school year.

• If a parent has experienced a separation over the summer, the parent needs to meet with the teacher as close to the start of the school year as possible. If the family has been divorced for a while, the parent still needs to meet with the child’s main teacher shortly after the start of the school year.

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All human beings are resistant to change. It’s especially difficult for children. One of the greatest disruptions in a child’s life can be the upheaval caused by divorce. For this reason it is incumbent on you, as a parent, to do everything possible day by day, month by month, to help your children adjust, assimilate into their new routines and accept the changes in their lives in the most positive possible ways.

To do that, you must be committed to putting your children’s physical, emotional and psychological needs foremost in your mind and heart. In that way, you will make decisions that are child-centered rather than based on your needs for getting back, proving your points or hurting your child(ren)’s other parent.

Yes, it’s not always an easy proposition to parent after divorce from this perspective. However, it’s the only option that will allow your children to have a sane childhood, good self-esteem, joy in their lives and a future that includes healthy relationships for themselves. Isn’t that what we all want for our children?

You can help your children adapt to two happy homes if you make that a priority and respect the fact that your kids are attached to their other parent. Don’t force them to break that bond or make them feel guilty for still loving their Dad or Mom, despite your divorce.

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“Advice for Parents on Dating After Divorce” is a little bit on the simplistic side when it comes to advice about dating after a divorce, but if you are in that position it does offer some solid advice for how to make it easier on your kids.

Here is an excerpt from the article:

You thought dating was hard the first time? Here you are, single again, but this time with children. You finally meet someone you really, really like and want to introduce him to your kids. How do you go about it? What if your youngsters don’t like him? What if he doesn’t like them? What if it doesn’t work out?

Before you even think about introducing your children to your new boyfriend, you need to have been dating for at least six months. No, I’m not crazy. Didn’t your last relationship end in divorce? You don’t want that to happen again and you certainly don’t want your children to go through that again. It takes at least six months to begin to really know a person. You don’t want to introduce someone and one month later have to explain to your children why they don’t see “Mike” anymore.

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NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: In the area of children of divorce, there are few people who have been as influential as Judith Wallerstein. Her groundbreaking study and work has paved the way for those of us who work with children of divorce. Ms. Wallerstein passed away last week at the age of 90. Though she is now gone, her work and her influence will live on – hopefully sparking others to carry the mantle for children of divorce. One of our regular contributors – Linda Ranson Jacobs – was fortunate enough to interact with Ms. Wallerstein when she was developing the Divorce Care 4 Kids program. In this article she recounts those interactions and reflects on the contribution and legacy of Ms. Wallerstein.

The Work and Influence of Judith Wallerstein

Through her research, reporting and personal understanding and care, Judith Wallerstein probably changed the face of the child of divorce more than anyone in this generation. As many of you know, she began talking to and following 131 children whose parents were all going through a divorce. From her research and communication with those 131 children she wrote three important books.

After the first five years she wrote, “Surviving The Breakup: How Children And Parents Cope With Divorce”. “Second Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce” came after fifteen years and “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study” came after her study with the original 131 children after twenty-five years. After those books she complied all of her information from her research and wrote what was to me the most dynamic book of all, “What About the Kids?”

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Click here to download My Family’s Changing Activity Book for Children.

Background

The “My Family’s Changing Activity Book for Children” was developed and published by Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) in England. “Every year Cafcass helps over 140,000 children and young people who are going through care or adoption proceedings, or whose parents have separated and are unable to agree about future arrangements for their children. Cafcass is the voice of children in the family courts and helps to ensure that children’s welfare is put first during proceedings.”

The book starts with the very important observation: Continue reading

From MU Extension at the University of Missouri-Columbia, “A Guide for Teachers on Helping Children Adjust to Divorce” is a guide designed specifically for school teachers on helping children deal with their parents’ divorce. The article explains:

Schools can play an important role in helping children make a positive adjustment to their parents’ divorce. This guide suggests ways that schools, preschools and childcare centers can support children through difficult family transitions. By working together, families and schools can form a network of support that promotes healthy child development.

The resource covers four key elements which drive a successful family-school relationship:

• Approach
• Attitude
• Atmosphere
• Action

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Divorce for children can be considered one of the highest stressors children face in our world today. In order to help children learn and retain information, we need to help them learn to de-stress. While teachers in schools have been learning much about brain based learning, the flow hasn’t always come across to church leaders and teachers.

We are learning that when children are experiencing fear or feeling anxious, they are not in the right frame of mind to learn. In the article entitled “Create a Safe Climate for Learning” Tip #1 on Six Tips for Brain-Based Learning (Edutopia.org), they explain:

“In layman’s terms, stress scrambles the learning circuits.”

During periods of stress or fear, the amygdale (the part of the brain that processes emotions and stores the memories of emotional reactions) responds to a perceived threat by blocking the flow of information to the learning centers of the brain.

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“Helping Children Build Stepfamilies That Work” from Kidshealth.org will help children dealing with step and blended families.  It covers issues like getting used to stepparents, what to do if you can’t get along with your new stepparent and how to make a healthy transition into a step family.

The article offers a realistic picture of what a child might be going through:

Suddenly having a new adult in your life and your home can be really tough. You’ll probably have lots of questions, like what you should call your stepdad or stepmom. (Some families use the person’s first name.)

You also might wonder about rules and whether you really have to listen to your stepparent even if he or she is not your real mom or dad. A stepparent is another adult who’s looking out for you, so it’s best to give him or her the same level of respect you give your own parents, coach, or teacher at school.

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