H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

If your parents are separated or divorced, you may have a lot of spiritual questions about God and faith and the church.  Many times when parents get divorced, kids begin to wonder about why they even exist and sometimes that leads to tough questions about God and faith.  Here at I Am A Child of Divorce, we want to help you as you search through and struggle with many of those questions.  So, we have created a section for “Questions About Spiritual Stuff” that will address these question.

We recognize that discussions about God can be very polarizing and controversial, but the fact of the matter is that God can help you heal after your parents divorce and provide hope.  To ignore that may avoid some controversy, but it would not be fair to you (as someone whose parents divorced) to ignore the issue all together.

Our goal in tackling spiritual issues is to be as honest and as forthright as we know how to be.  If you don’t feel like these particular questions or issues apply to you, please just ignore them and continue to utilize the rest of I Am A Child of Divorce to help yourself in whatever way possible.  However, if you do have questions about God and Faith, we hope that these answers will help you to sort through those issues.

Even if you do not believe in God, or feel like you don’t need faith, I would encourage you to at least read through these questions and answers.  While the principal issues addressed are indeed about God and Faith, they also deal with the broader issues of meaning and existence.  Regardless of what you believe, these are issues that we all have to face and divorce sometimes forces us to face them earlier than we would like.

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Over the last several weeks, we laid a foundation for examining how divorce affects the development of children (specifically spiritual development), how kids are wired to connect and recapped some of the impacts of divorce. Today, we are going to look more specifically at how divorce impacts the different areas of a child’s development.

Development stops or is hindered at the time of the divorce.

Emotional/Social Development

Much of the literature and studies surrounding children of divorce focuses on emotional and social impacts of divorce. Often times, this development gets put on hold or gets stuck in anger following the divorce. Many adult children of divorce end up walking around as adults functioning on the equivalent of an eight or nine year old emotional level. Emotions may or may not improve with time, but most adults can fake it enough to survive and get by in an adult world. However, what is going on underneath the skin may be detrimental to their health and well-being as adults. Continue reading

Last week, we looked at the myth perpetuated in the 1970’s that children of divorce were resilient when it came to the divorce of their parents. We also examined the “normal” development of children and started our discussion of the spiritual development of kids. This week, let’s look at why and how divorce can impact a child’s spiritual development.

Hardwired to Connect – The Report (www.americanvalues.org)

In 2003 The Commission on Children at Risk, a panel of thirty-three leading children’s doctors, research scientist and youth service professionals sponsored by Dartmouth Medical School, YMCA and the Institute for American Values issued a report called “Hardwired to Connect.”

The project was started because of the concern of seeing growing numbers of children and youth that were failing to flourish. The experts were also concerned with the large percentage of children and youth that were suffering from mental illness, emotional anguish and overwhelming behavior problems. This included but was not limited to depression, drug abuse, along with suicidal and violent tendencies. The majority of the people on the commission were children’s doctors and those in the mental health profession. In the report (page 8) it says, “One of the main reasons we formed this commission is that our waiting lists are too long.”

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INTRODUCTION

Several years ago, the Institute for American Values released a new report titled “Does the Shape of Families Shape Faith?” The report, written by Elizabeth Marquardt, Amy Ziettlow, and Charles E. Stokes, represents a call to action for churches in regards to ministering to children of divorce.

The report starts quite simply by stating,

“It’s time for people of faith to talk about the impact of divorce on the next generation.”

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Introduction: From the Seventies – Children Are Resilient

In the early seventies our world changed dramatically. Divorce, while it had always been around, was kept fairly quiet. All of that changed when Ronald Regan signed the no fault divorce law in California. Like a speeding bullet divorce took aim at the families of America. Ronald Regan had no way of knowing that this one law would change our society in monumental ways.

Immediately I was thrown into the divorce arena when after moving to California I was placed in a low-income school where the majority of the children came from broken homes. I began to witness parents of the children in our school remarrying only to divorce again. Or I watched as uncle after uncle moved in and out of the homes. Fathers on the other hand just called their girlfriends live-ins. I began taking mental notes and studying the child of divorce.

The general consensus at that time was that children were resilient. They would suffer for a short while and then they would be okay. Many people thought if the parents would quickly remarry this would give the child a two-parent family then things would be even better.

I have kept in touch or kept track of some of the children I worked with back in the early 70s. For the children that had extended family support and church family support their outcomes are much better than ones that didn’t. Escapism seemed to be the route many took and still take today. Some accomplished this through dependence on drugs, alcohol and changing partners.

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Last week, we looked at how we can help children of divorce to develop spiritual mannerisms by modeling such behavior for them. This week, I want to talk about some specific areas and things you can do to help children of divorce develop spiritual mannerisms and hopefully avoid the exodus from church which is so common after parents divorce.

Prayer

Ask children to pray for other members of the congregation. Getting the child outside their world by praying for others is one of these spiritual mannerisms we can teach. Model the act of praising God for small things. Share on a regular basis how God answers prayers. Share small parts of your life with the child. Build relationships with each child through the act of prayer. Praying with a child and for a child tells the child you care enough and they matter to you.

Andrew Root in his book, “The Children of Divorce” says that when children go through their parents divorce that their very being is shaken. They wonder if they are even real. When children take part and contribute it helps them feel real. It helps them connect to the family of God. It gives them purpose. It gives power and meaning to their being. Continue reading

When I was a little girl my parents took my younger sister and I to a “fun house”. This house had a slanted floor with crooked walls, and it had distorted mirrors throughout the house. When we walked into the house I felt fairly normal. It felt a little strange to walk on a slanted floor. However, It wasn’t until I turned around and saw my sister standing there at an angle that I realized how un-normal I looked. When we saw our images in the distorted mirror, we both began to realize how strange we looked. Depending on how you moved, you might have a big or a little head, short or long legs or other weird looking body parts. The view of ourselves was distorted.

You might say that children of divorce have a distorted view of God and distorted images of spiritual issues. Like our images in the distorted mirrors at the fun house, things like praying, reading the Bible, and having a faith walk look strange to a child of divorce. That is, of course, unless someone has taken the time to model and discuss spiritual issues with them. Children of divorce may feel fairly normal until they see and compare themselves with other children at church, then they realize they are un-normal and strange looking in a Christian world.

Just like we teach children to say “please, thank you” and other terms of respect, we have to teach what I coin as “spiritual mannerisms” to children. When we teach manners we might start by modeling what we want the child to do. Next we might say, “What do you say when I give you a cookie?” In other words we consciously teach children about manners.

The same holds true for spiritual mannerisms. We bow our heads when we pray. We quote the Ten Commandments or say the Lord’s Prayer. We model a faith walk and quiet times. We teach respect for the church and for God. We display joy, kindness, love and forgiveness toward one another. Children will do and say what is modeled for them.

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