A few weeks ago I had three single moms in one of my single parent groups weeping. Why were they weeping? Because it was in the heat of the government shut down, and they were worried about how they were going to feed their children given the current economy and their circumstances.

Our church has a food pantry and I could make sure their children didn’t go hungry but really the issue of feeding their children wasn’t the main problem. The main problem was their perception about the situation.

Perception is a funny thing sometimes, especially when you are

• Divorced
• Stressed out about caring for your children
• Barely able to function
• Exhausted trying to maintain a two-parent schedule with a one-parent team
• Working from the emotional level in your brain

Continue reading

What would you do if a divorced parent you knew came into your church armed and with the intent of doing harm?

It is sad to think we have to worry about protecting our children at church. However, it is a must if you want to provide a safe place for children. There have been cases where an armed person or a shooter has walked into a church building with the intent to do harm. Churches can become targets for people of rage, divorce, discontent and those on some sort of substance.

• Some of these people are trying to make a statement.
• Some are getting back at the institution of “church” perhaps from something from their past.
• Sometimes it might be due to a mental illness
• Sometime it might be a parent in the midst of a divorce

With the stress in our world today and coming into the holiday season where even more people will be stressed, now might be a good time to evaluate your church’s policies and procedures. It is especially important to think through possible scenarios regarding children of divorce.

Continue reading

Have you ever had a child get attached to you? I’ve had children who I knew were connected to me emotionally. I always hated it when I had to move and leave those kids behind.

For the child of divorce though it is a little different kind of connection. They become attached to not only you but also to their memory of you. You might call it a heart-felt connection. And they hold onto this memory for years. In their minds they know where they can find you and while you might not see them for years, they know you are there for them in that heart-felt connection.

When a child of divorce moves on to another church or they out grow your group, in their minds they still stay connected to you. The only thing is you might not realize it.

I learned about this phenomenon years ago. Back in the late sixties I worked for the San Diego School system. I taught music classes and also worked in their afterschool program. We had an older school aged child who lived with her dad. She grew into her teen years and we never saw her again after she graduated sixth grade.

Continue reading

If you have ever worked in the nursery at church you have observed altruism in the very young. Babies who can crawl and toddlers will do their best to comfort a crying newcomer. They will do this by crawling over and handing the other child their pacifier or their blankie. You might say they extend the hand of welcome to newcomers who are distraught.

When I had my infant / toddler rooms in my childcare I loved to observe the interaction of these little people. I believe God created our brains and their brains to want to comfort others. We see Jesus extending comfort to many in the Bible. So it stands to reason in our churches we should be modeling what Jesus modeled.

This is never truer than when working with the child of divorce. Keep in mind many children of divorce might not get to see these kinds of interactions at home. This is especially true of children who have warring parents in the throes of divorce.

When these children begin to heal and survive the divorce of their parents, if they have found healing in a church, they instinctively want to comfort the other distressed children of divorce. They want to model what has been projected onto them.

Continue reading

When my grandson was three years old, I moved into my daughter’s house and lived there for a year while she was deployed to Afghanistan. One thing I noticed is the three year-old had a smile all the time. This little kid was one happy little guy.

He even smiled most of the time when he was in trouble. His smile and happiness rarely got him out of trouble, but he just kept smiling anyway. I learned a lot from this three year-old – stop and smile every once in awhile.

I notice when I smile I seem to just feel better about things. I could have been very stressed and worried about my daughter in the situation she was in, but when the three year-old walked in with that smile my day got better. His smile was contagious. Even though his mom was gone, and he was sad and missing her, his smile always came through. This little kid had discovered early in his life something researchers are now validating.

Research bears out this information. Continue reading

Recently I got a text from a single mom. She is just starting the divorce journey. She has moved into an apartment and is making great strides in developing a healthy single parent home. This mom does not want the divorce but sometimes things are out of one’s control. Her kids are going with their dad to another state to visit the girlfriend. Mom wanted to know what she should tell her kids before they leave with the dad.

The children do not know about the girlfriend. They don’t know why their parents are getting a divorce. The boys love both parents, and they still want to live with both parents. The mom is wise to only give them the truth on their developmental level. She is also being smart not to run down the dad or the girlfriend. She continues to tell them they are going to be okay.

Her text was, “Tomorrow the boys are going to meet my husband’s girlfriend. Should I say something or tell them before they meet her?” This is a tough situation for any single parent.

The boys do not know they are going to meet someone new. My suggestion was to sit the boys down and talk to both boys at the same time. Use a matter of fact and calm voice. Here is what I suggested she say: Continue reading

Many times when one reads articles or post about kids of divorce, we read about hurting children. However, we have hundreds of children in our churches that are healing from the devastation of divorce. These are kids whose parents have kept them in church. Have you considered allowing children of divorce to disciple and minister to other hurting kids?

These are also the children that been through DC4K, Divorce Care for Kids. These are the kids that are back on their feet. They have crossed the victory line so to speak. While they will always have to deal with the divorce and living in two homes, they have learned how to accomplish this surmounting task with dignity and with the help of a heavenly Father.

These are the kids that can minister to almost any kid in your Sunday morning class or other group situations at your church.

• These kids know what it’s like to hurt, to be sad and how to get through some rough times.
• They know what anger and rage feel like and how to process their feelings so they don’t hurt so much anymore.
• They can befriend the child that is being abused. You will have many that have experienced it themselves, although you may never know it. But they will recognize others who are in the same situation.
• They can ease the transition of a new child to the area and to your church.
• These are the kids we need to call on to pray for other children.
• If asked they can befriend a new comer.

Continue reading

We don’t usually think about little children having a heart attack. The kind of heart attack I’m talking about is affecting thousands of children. It is the emotional and spiritual heart attack they experience when their family falls apart. The family could be a divorcing family or a never married family. To a child, it makes no difference if their parents were legally married or involved in a co-habitation situation.

For years children have told me their hearts hurt. When I ask them where it hurts, they will lay their little hands over their hearts and say,

“It hurts right here.”

Little children are experiencing a monumental crisis at an early age in life. Just like a heart attack that an adult might have, the damage can be devastating.

Continue reading

Children who make the following statements might be confused about whose authority they are supposed to follow. Another scenario is they might be trying to play one parent against the other. We call it playing the “but card.”

“But Dad wouldn’t do it that way.”

“But mom lets us have it.”

“But dad said if we didn’t want to go to bed early we don’t have to. He said so.”

Continue reading

Unfortunately children of divorce have a lot of questions to ask but many times they don’t know whom to ask. When they do ask, many are told lies or maybe not really lies but half-truths. Children need the truth not lies or made up stories.

I have always advocated that children be told the truth on their developmental level. Never should they be told sordid details about the other parent. Single parents need to protect the child and the other parent’s image. The other parent is just that – the child’s other parent. The child is not the one divorcing you or the other parent.

When parents are in the throws of divorce it is hard not to criticize the other parent to anyone who will listen. Children do not need to be listeners for their parents. What they need are simple and truthful answers to their questions, not a list of all the wrongs committed for the past many years.

Recently I’ve been reading the book, “Generation iY” by Tim Elmore (Poet Gardener Publishing). I highly recommend this book for anyone working with children and teens today. In this book he talks about the lies adults have been telling this generation. He gives a list of reasons why adults tell lies.

Continue reading