This past weekend my step-grandchildren were visiting us. The eleven year old can’t wait until she turns twelve years of age. Know why? So she can get a Facebook page. She also can’t wait until she is sixteen so she can get her driver’s license.

Her parents are smart in declaring rite of passage of certain things. Many kids in our world today are impatient and can’t wait or don’t understand the rite of passage. Wikipedia describes rite of passage as:

“…a ritual event that marks a person’s transition from one status to another.”

A rite of passage helps a child feel special or accomplished in some way whether that be age, talent or maturity.

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All kids like to collect things. Rocks, bugs, jewels, stamps, coins and other small items become important to children. Sometimes the items are silly fun things while other times there might be a purpose to the art of collecting certain items. Some children turn their collections into a hobby. Boys who collect baseball cards or other sport memorabilia are a good example of collecting as a hobby.

Children of various ages collect all kinds of items. My five-year-old grandson is into collecting “rocks” right now. What he calls rocks are actually glass jewels I put in my aquarium but to him they are “rocks”. He sorts them by color. Perhaps this will turn into a hobby for him, but for now it is fun just to collect them and put them in his little “treasure” box.

I collect rocks. I’ve always liked rocks, big ones, little ones, rocks of various textures and rocks from different places. Many of my rocks have a sentiment attached to them. I know who I was with when I found a rock or I can point out which rocks I picked up in different places. In other words there are specific reasons I added a rock to my collection.

Rarely do young children attach a specific reason or an emotion for collecting something other than they liked it at that moment in time. Some children will grow up to continue the art of collecting items.

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We all know there are many issues a single parent has to deal with in a divorced home. However, there is also an unseen side of parenting alone and living in a single parent home. A friend of mine dealt with one of these unseen circumstances this week.

Since it is the beginning of summer, it is time for her daughter to visit her other parent. This is just like thousands of kids are going to do this summer. However, right before time to leave, her daughter got sick. Her daughter wanted to stay home and be in her own bed. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to visit the dad; she just wanted to be in her own bed when she didn’t feel well. Don’t most of us want to be in our own bed when we are sick?

For the single mom it was very hard to let her sick daughter leave for two weeks. As a mom, she was concerned and of course she wanted to take care of her daughter herself. Now her daughter was going to be seven hours away.

After the daughter got to the other home she texted her mom that she had survived the trip but she was in a lot of pain and wanted to be home. The mom said the daughter is not one to complain, so she knew her daughter must really be hurting. This mom agonized over her daughter. She felt so helpless.

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Co-parenting is becoming the norm for divorcing couples and couples who are involved in cohabitation situations. But what exactly is co-parenting? Co-parenting the divorce way is when separating couples request the courts award legal joint custody of minor children. The marriage or relationship has ended, but the family still exists.

If both parents get along, then co-parenting works. If the adults can’t get along, can’t agree or are hostile to one another, co-parenting is difficult to say the least. Good co-parenting takes teamwork.

In her book, “Co-Parenting Works,” Tammy Daughtry breaks co-parenting into three models:

1. Conflicted co-parenting is a situation when the former spouses continue to undermine each other’s relationship with the child. This can cause a lot of damage to the children in this situation as the parents are still warring and in conflict.

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Co-parenting among divorcing couples is becoming more popular. For many children this is a good thing. This means they get to have both parents making life-long decisions for their welfare. It means children can still have family connections with both sides of the family.

If both parents can put aside their squabbles and think about what is best for their children, then co-parenting is a good option. If parents can keep conflict to a minimum and not inflict adult conflict on the kids then co-parenting might benefit the children. When family can be held to a high standard for all involved then co-parenting can be a viable choice.

Let’s face it children develop attachments to both parents. That is as it should be. When a divorce happens and the parents can no longer live together the children still love both parents. They want to be with both parents. Like one little girl said, “I didn’t get a divorce!”

It is when the above can’t be worked out those children in co-parenting situations will suffer. If parents want to raise children in the middle or in between their two homes, then it would be prudent to develop some rules or guidelines. Even then there will be some parents that won’t adhere to “rules” or guidelines.

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Too many times people think that divorce doesn’t have much of an impact on teens and young adults.  “The Effect of Divorce on Teens and Young Adults” from The Independent contradicts that notion.

Here is an excerpt from the article:

Ten years ago, if anyone had told me they were postponing divorce “till the children are older” I’d have thought their words made perfect sense. Back then, my children were one, five, eight and 10. I wouldn’t have been able to imagine the effect on them of hearing that their father and I were splitting up. Whose house would they live in? How would they cope without bedtime cuddles from both of us? What would weekends and holidays be like for them without the two of us around? So much better to postpone it, I’d have mused: by the time they were older and living their own lives, they’d hardly even notice the break-up.

Today, though, my elder daughters are almost 21 and 18 – and I now realise that, however hard it would have been for them to cope with a family split when they were younger, it would, if anything, be worse for them to have to face it now. And if I already knew that somewhere deep inside the fallout on the son of Chris Huhne and Vicky Pryce from their break-up, as tragically documented during last week’s court case, only underlines the issues.

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The other day I was walking along the beach in the early morning when I happened upon a dad and son. The little boy, who appeared to be about 4, was frolicking in the waves and splashing water everywhere.

I could tell as I approached the scene what was going on. I’ve seen it so many times before. Probably because we live in Florida, where there are nice beaches and a lot of fun activities to do with children, we have a lot of parents bring their children here for a fun time. I can usually spot a single long distant parent with their visiting children right away. They seem to flood our area during the spring and summer.

I knew that this was a noncustodial parent who had his son visiting for a few weeks. I knew because the dad was not interacting much with the son. He had a more or less bored look on his face. If the truth were told, the dad probably doesn’t have much of a relationship with his son.

He doesn’t have a clue what his son likes to do. He doesn’t know what his son likes to eat. He doesn’t know how to communicate or talk to his son. In fact his son is really a stranger to him. In many situations like this, the child has been primed to be excited to get to visit his daddy. And children being children will get excited to go to the beach or Disney World or any child like place where kids are treated special.

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“Helping Teens Deal With Divorce” from the TeensHealth portion of KidHealth.org helps teens with various issues related to the divorce of parents.  It is packed with useful tips and information for teens going through the divorce of their parents.  It covers topics including:

• Why are my parents divorcing?
• Dealing with guilt and other emotions.
• Life changes that come with divorce.
• Ideas for making the divorce process easier.
• Possible positive things that can come from divorce.

LINK: http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/Parents/divorce.html

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Have you ever thought about the power of encouragement? Most of us try to encourage children that come to our church. We do this because maybe we want to build confidence within the child. We want to promote a relationship with the child so we can help them eventually foster a relationship with Jesus Christ. We want to stimulate them spiritually so they will learn how to develop a life of faith. We want them to keep them coming back to church. Encouragement has a lot of power for the child of divorce, particularly if the parents are still in the warring stages of the divorce process.

There are many ways to encourage children of divorce. But before we think of ways to encourage children let’s think about what encouragement actually is. Dr. Becky Bailey in her “Conscious Discipline” book says,

“Encouragement is basically a dose of hope.”[1]

If ever there were a people group in local churches that need a dose of hope on a regular basis, it would be the children of divorce.

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Returning to school after their parents’ have separated or divorced can be difficult for any child. You can ease the transition, however, by opening the door to the many resources available to you through the school. The key here is in forming a cooperative relationship with key personnel.

Making your child’s teachers aware of a major change in your home environment is helpful both for them and your child. That’s because school is really a second home for children in our culture.

Regardless of their age, children can’t be expected to turn off their emotions during or after a divorce any more than their parents can. Fear, insecurity, shame, guilt and other emotions are usually triggered when a parental marriage ends. These complex feelings can affect a child’s focus, self-esteem, relationships with their friends as well as their academic performance.

Many children trust and feel safe with their teachers. By talking to the teacher in advance and explaining the status of your post-divorce arrangements, you can go a long way toward helping your child feel more secure or less alone.

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