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Divorce and Family Disruption

What We Forget to Tell the Kids

Forget to Tell the KidsMost little kids like me. It’s always been that way. I’ve taught school, preschool, church classes, after school clubs, etc. and for the most part little kids like me. But do you know why they like me? It’s because I tell the kids to like me and because I treat them well. They know they matter.

For years I ran a therapeutic preschool and school age afterschool program. I had a teacher who worked for me and she couldn’t figure out why all the kids said I was their favorite teacher. Down through the years she taught early childhood classes, pre kindergarten classes, and kindergarten classes and in the summer she’d work with our school age children. Every so often I’d hear her ask, “Who is your favorite teacher” and their reply would be, “Miss Linda!” It got to be a big joke and even a fun competition. The kids loved being part of it.

As the years rolled by she repeatedly asked me what I did to make the kids like me so much. One summer day upon returning from a swimming excursion she met me at the door. She had her hands crossed over her chest and she was tapping her toe. She said,

“So I finally found out why all the kids think you are their favorite teacher! It’s because you tell them you are their favorite!”

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January 30, 2019by Linda Ranson Jacobs
Divorce and Family Disruption

Do Some Middle School Aged Kids Do Better When It Comes to Dealing With Divorce?

Middle School Aged KidsRecently I had a middle school teacher ask me a question that proved to be fairly thought provoking. I wanted to share his question and my thoughts toward his question.

His question:

As a middle school teacher, I always wonder why some students deal very well with divorce, while others don’t. I would never make the assumption that they don’t do well, because many do.

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January 23, 2019by Linda Ranson Jacobs
Divorce and Family Disruption

5 Misconceptions About Children of Divorce and Their Families

Misconceptions About Children of DivorceIn order to minister to children of divorce, we have to understand them. Unfortunately, many people who minister to children hold some common misperceptions about children of divorce and their families. They might not realize the extent to which these children are hurting. Or they might not be able to relate as some kids deal with sadness and depression as they try to hide their feelings or other kids who act out because they simply don’t understand what is happening in their families. The following are five misconceptions about children of divorce and their families people have shared with me:

1. “These kids are just acting up to get attention.”

My answer to this statement is simple,

“Yes they are, so give them the proper attention they need.”

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January 16, 2019by Linda Ranson Jacobs
Divorce and Family Disruption

Nesting and the Child of Divorce

NestingNesting is a term often used by family courts, lawyers and divorcing parents. It means the parents continue to share a residence after the divorce for the sake of the children. The parents stay at the family home with the children when it is their scheduled visitation time. The other parent stays someplace else during that time. The thought behind this premise is that staying in the family home will make the transition from the intact family to the divorced family easier on the children. All I can say about this idea is the verdict is still out on whether this actually makes it easier on the children. It does appear to work for some people.

While it is good for church leaders to understand the concept of nesting some courts and family mediation groups are suggesting, today I don’t want to discuss “nesting” in that context. I want to discuss nesting of a different sort. The types of nesting children create themselves. Most parents are not aware of this type of nesting.

Many times children of divorce become unusually attached to their things. This is particularly true if both parents have become emotionally distant or have deeply disappointed the child. Keep in mind this is the child’s perception of how things are.

You may find children bringing things to church classes that will not make any sense to you. For instance an eight or nine-year old boy will bring what appears to be a regular looking quarter. However, if anyone should even touch that quarter, mayhem breaks out. You will be at a loss as to how that simple ordinary looking quarter could lead to such chaos. What you may not realize is that quarter may have been the last thing the child remembers his dad giving him before he left. Perhaps it is an old button the child found on the floor the day his mom walked out. Or some very old toys that used to belong to the parent when he or she was a child.

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January 9, 2019by Linda Ranson Jacobs
Divorce and Family Disruption

The Power of Empathy and the Child of Divorce

Power of EmpathyWhat is the difference in the two closely related words empathy and sympathy? Empathy is the ability to mutually experience the thoughts, emotions, and direct experience of others. It goes beyond sympathy, which is a feeling of care and understanding for the suffering of others.

When I empathize with a child of divorce, I’m sharing some aspect of what they are experiencing. When I sympathize, I’m recognizing they are suffering and I feel sorrow for them but I don’t necessary feel or understand the experience.

Empathy = sharing one’s pain.

Sympathy = sorrow for one’s pain.

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January 2, 2019by Linda Ranson Jacobs
Divorce and Family Disruption

The Power of Words

Power of WordsWords can be powerful when they are used in the right context. Usage of kind words can motivate children. Unkind and cruel words can hurt children. Think of the child of divorce who comes from an abusive home. Maybe the child wasn’t abused, but the spouse was – or there was a lot of shouting and crying. The words the child heard, even if the child was asleep, can negatively affect them for the rest of their lives. You should not underestimate the power of words.

In some states there is actually a law called, “In the Presence of Child.” If there is domestic abuse when the child is present, even if the child is asleep, the perpetrator can be convicted. Don’t believe words have power? Think again. Research was done in this area before these laws came into being. Make no mistake – negative words will impact a child’s inner voice for years!

Kind and pleasant words can be a driving force when helping a child to process their parent’s divorce. Commenting on the child’s effort will go a long way in helping the child understand they have the ability to work through the hurt. Praising their effort doesn’t mean you are praising their intelligence. It means you comment on their persistence in moving forward. It means you praise their effort to control their anger and how they are making strides in how to handle depression. It means you give them hope that life is going to get better. You are truthful with them, and when you are asked questions you don’t have an answer for, you let them know you don’t know.

Generic praise is the use of words that a lot of us say but which don’t have much meaning. They are actually judgmental. You know the “Good job” or “Good boy” types of praise. It is your judgment that what the child did was good.

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December 26, 2018by Linda Ranson Jacobs
Divorce and Family Disruption

A Devotional for Children’s Ministers Who Work With Children of Divorce

Devotional for Children’s MinistersWhy do we work with the many hurting children in our congregations? I have often thought about this issue. This really pricks my heart at holidays and special times of the year. I know most of us work with the hurting children because we love the Lord and we want to further the kingdom. But, what is the motivation year after year. I came up with the following devotional for children’s ministers with thoughts about why we do what we do.

First

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given;
and the government shall be upon his shoulder,
and his name shall be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the increase of his government and of peace
there will be no end,
on the throne of David and over his kingdom,
to establish it and to uphold it
with justice and with righteousness
from this time forth and forevermore.
The zeal of the LORD of hosts will do this. (Isaiah 9:6-7 ESV)

For every little soul that comes to church, the birth of a Savior was foretold years ago. To each of us and to all our hurting kids this Savior is called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father and Prince of Peace. His peace knows no end. With this Savior, there is justice and righteousness even for the hurting child.

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December 19, 2018by Linda Ranson Jacobs
Divorce and Family Disruption

The Smooth Stones of God’s Word

Smooth StonesWe can learn a lot about adults in the lives of children of divorce when we look at the story of David fighting the Philistine, Goliath, in 1 Samuel 17:38-46. We pick up where King Saul tried to dress David in his adult clothes.

The scriptures say,

“Then Saul dressed David in his own tunic. He put a coat of armor on him and a bronze helmet on his head. David fastened on his sword over the tunic and tried walking around, because he was not used to them. ‘I cannot go in these,’ he said to Saul, ‘because I am not used to them.’ So he took them off.”

King Saul was proud to try to dress David in his own outfit. But, when David tried walking around King Saul’s garb, the “garb” did not fit David. Of course it didn’t fit! David was a young shepherd boy. The outfit was not made for him. It was made for King Saul, not a small boy.

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December 12, 2018by Linda Ranson Jacobs
Divorce and Family Disruption

About That Sleeper Effect

Sleeper EffectMany children of divorce appear to breeze through the divorce at the time the divorce happens. Many of these are little girls who identify with their mothers. They will hide their feelings and say and do the things they think the adults expect and want from them. However, the divorce experience remains alive – but as memories that they push to the back of their minds. Little boys tend to express their frustrations and tear through their feelings using sports and active behaviors. Their negative thoughts about the divorce of their parents appear to fade away.

As girls grow into adulthood, become involved in a relationship and marry or start a family, the memories from the divorce of their parents pop back into the brain – the sleeper affect kicks in. They begin to worry if the other person in the relationship will walk away. They wonder if their marriage will fail like their parent’s marriage. The worry if they know how to be married.

They feel doomed in their relationships. They don’t know how to be in a relationship. One young woman told me she could only breathe and trust her marriage after she has surpassed the number of years her parents had been married. She said she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. For 17 years she had waited anxiously, but after her 17th year of marriage she felt she could finally relax because they were going to make it.

Judith Wallerstein, author of “What About the Kids” and a pioneer in the psychosocial effect of divorce in children says this about the sleeper effect, Continue reading

December 5, 2018by Linda Ranson Jacobs
Divorce and Family Disruption

Take Cover! Take Cover! There’s A Tornado!

TornadoEveryone knows about the tornado that hit Moore, OK this past week. You have all seen the many news articles, Internet stories and news people’s accounts.

I posted an article earlier in the week “Talking to Kids about the Tornado in OK” so I don’t want to repeat that information. I’d like to concentrate on talking to kids of divorce.

Kids of divorce are in general fearful after the divorce. After a parent moves out for some reason the children experience undue worry about their safety.

  • They worry the parent they live with might leave them.
  • They worry about the other parent if things are okay.
  • They worry the divorce is their fault.
  • They wonder if anyone will love them.
  • Younger children worry if they will have enough to eat.
  • Living through a severe storm or tornado seems to be scarier when only one parent is there.

Continue reading

November 28, 2018by Linda Ranson Jacobs
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