This series is co-written by Linda Ranson Jacobs and Wayne Stocks. Linda has drawn on her years of experience working with children of divorce in a childcare setting, in churches and in developing the Divorce Care for Kids (“DC4K”) curriculum for churches to identify and explain some major issues when it comes to ministering to children of divorce and to explain how those issues were addressed in the DC4K curriculum. Wayne has drawn on his years volunteering in children’s ministry and his work with children of divorce to provide some practical advice on how these issues can be addressed in a weekly children’s ministry environment. Together, we hope that this series will help children’s ministry workers better minister to children of divorce and help those who volunteer in divorce ministries like DC4K to better anticipate and deal with issues unique to children of divorce.

Choice and the Child of Divorce

For the child of divorce, it is important to allow them to make choices. Choices empower a child who feels like everything is out of their control. Most of us, as parents and children’s ministry leaders, agree that kids shouldn’t make major decisions about their lives. However, for the child of divorce, whose very life has been interrupted by the crisis of divorce, it is different than for a child who has a loving mother and father in the home. Children of divorce feel powerless and vulnerable during and after their parents have separated.

For many children of divorce not only have they lost the comfort of a loving home and family, they may have lost both parents to the divorce war. While having distracted parents may be temporary until the divorce battle has been waged and settled, it is none-the-less very disturbing to the child. Children need adults they can trust to help them navigate through a crisis and the very adults they need are the ones that have caused the crisis.

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Chaos and the Child of Divorce

Children of divorce live lives marked by chaos and disorder. There are so many things about the divorce that can cause chaos, it is impossible to list them all, but they can include: loss of the non-custodial parent, moving to a new home, going to a new school, financial difficulties, lack of rules and structure at home, increased responsibility, loss of rituals and routines, arguing parents, differing expectations, lack of planning, step-families, lack of consistency and so much more.

I (Linda) once received the following correspondence from a leader who had children of divorce in her group:

We have two brothers that would much rather run around the room and do everything other than listen to us! They are ages 10 and 8. I’m learning that a lot of times, the kids thrive on chaos and drama.

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This series is co-written by Linda Ranson Jacobs and Wayne Stocks. Linda has drawn on her years of experience working with children of divorce in a childcare setting, in churches and in developing the Divorce Care for Kids (“DC4K”) curriculum for churches to identify and explain some major issues when it comes to ministering to children of divorce and to explain how those issues were addressed in the DC4K curriculum. Wayne has drawn on his years volunteering in children’s ministry and his work with children of divorce to provide some practical advice on how these issues can be addressed in a weekly children’s ministry environment. Together, we hope that this series will help children’s ministry workers better minister to children of divorce and help those who volunteer in divorce ministries like DC4K to better anticipate and deal with issues unique to children of divorce.

Children’s Ministry workers are a unique breed. We choose to volunteer and spend our time surrounded by kids striving to teach them about Jesus and the Bible. We enjoy noise and games and the many twists and turns that children’s ministry inevitably brings.

As a group we tend to be a little more free-spirited, but we also take ministering to children very seriously. To that end, oftentimes we get a picture in our minds about how our ministry should operate – how a certain activity should unfold or how a group of kids should act. We get our minds set on what we want to accomplish, train our leaders to move towards that vision and then move forward sometimes faster than we can even keep up. Sometimes, we even settle in and enjoy the fact that everything seems to be running smoothly…that is until “that child” shows up. We love kids, and we have a heart for kids, but “that child” is the difficult one. The one who disrupts the plan and refuses to allow the ministry to operate the way it should. Many times, in today’s day and age, “that child” is a child of divorce. The fact is ministering to a child of divorce, whether in a dedicated group setting like DC4K or in your Sunday morning children’s ministry, presents unique challenges.

Not every person who in children’s ministry is going to be equipped to work with children of divorce. If people have done children’s ministry before or are used to a more traditional children’s ministry, they may go into culture shock when it comes to ministering to children of divorce. Or they may throw up their hands when a child of divorce comes into other church classes.

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My Dear Child,

It’s me – your Heavenly Father. I just want you to know I know what you are going through. I collect all of your tears in a bottle, and I understand. I have felt the pain of rejection. I have suffered through the loss of my family. I have had those closest to me betray me, and I know what it is like to wish things could be different but to know that they never can be.

I know that, at times, you feel like you are all alone – like no one else in the world could ever understand what you are going through at this very moment. I know that the people closest to you have disappointed you and left you feeling empty and forlorn. I know that sometimes you see your self as broken and less than lovely.

Today, I want to remind you who you are to me. You are my masterpiece. I created you before the beginning of the world to accomplish great things for me. I put you together in your mother’s womb before your earthly parents even knew you existed, and I predestined your days on earth. You were created in my image, and I know every hair on your head. I know your thoughts. I know your feelings. I know your fears, and I know your dreams. There is nowhere you can go that I am not there. I will never leave you. I will always be there for you.

I gave up everything I had and came to live among my creation 2,000 years ago because I love you. I lived a perfect life in obedience to God because I love you. I died on the cross as an innocent man to pay the penalty you deserve because I love you, and I rose on the third day because I love you.

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The question we get asked more than any when it comes to kids whose parents are going through a divorce goes something like this:

What do I say to a child in my church who tells me on Sunday that his/her parents are getting a divorce?

Obviously, each situation is different and how you will reply to this situation will depend on the age of the child, your knowledge of the situation and your relationship with the child. However, there are some standard things that are acceptable o say to any child who announces to you that their parents are getting a divorce.

Make no mistakes, that first moment where a child reaches out and tells you that his/her parents are getting a divorce is critical. How you respond may well set the tone for whether or not that child will allow you to walk with them and be a source of strength and wisdom as they go through the divorce and post-divorce process. It is important that you be prepared, and knowing at least the five things covered in this article will be a good first step. So, what should you say to the child who announces that his parents are getting a divorce?

#1: That stinks! I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

Divorce hurts, and it is particularly hurtful to the children involved. Let the child know that you understand that their situation is not one they wish to be in. Don’t try to “happy up” the child or pretend that nothing has changed or that “everything will be ok.” Simply let them know that you know that they are going through something tough.

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At Hope 4 Hurting Kids, we are committed to getting good resources into the hands of those who work with children of divorce. Many times, that means creating resources for those who work with children of divorce, other times that means bringing pre-existing resources to your attention. The book Dinosaurs Divorce – A Guide For Changing Families by Laurene Kransy Brown and Marc Brown is one such resource intended for children whose parents have gone, or are going, through a divorce.

With over one million children each year suffering through the divorce of their parents, it is encouraging to find resources created specifically for kids. Designed for kids Dinosaurs Divorce is brilliantly illustrated to help kids understand what divorce is and the many changes and emotions that come along with divorce, dating, remarriage and step families.

As the book jacket describes,

If dinosaurs got married, no doubt they, like many families today, had to cope with divorce, too. What they needed was Dinosaurs Divorce. This timely, reassuring picture book is the perfect resource to help young children and their families deal with the confusion, misconceptions and anxieties apt to arise when divorce occurs.

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When it comes to the issue of the children of divorce, the Bible is silent. Trust me! I looked. The question then becomes, why? Of course, there any number of things not specifically addressed in the Bible, and the failure to specifically mention a certain subject does not, of course, mean one thing or another. Yet, the question remains, why doesn’t the Bible say anything specific about children of divorce? As those who are committed to ministering to these kids, that question is of the utmost importance.

Here is how I would respond to that question. As I’ve already stated, the lack of specific mention should not be interpreted as any sort of indication that God does not care about these kids. The remainder of scripture would certainly refute that notion. The Bible, for example, never mentions the word Trinity, but that does not make the fact of the Trinity any less true. We can see the trust of the trinity in other verses of scripture without God specifically including the word. Likewise, when we turn to the totality of scripture, we can see God’s heart for suffering and lonely children despite the fact that the phrase “children of divorce” cannot be found in the Bible.

Take, for example, the words of Malachi:

But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the LORD was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. [Malachi 2:14-15 ESV]

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“A life frittered away disgusts GOD; he loves those who run straight for the finish line” (Proverbs 15:9 MSG).

In our world today we have many children whose parents have split or separated that will drift into a life frittered away. To “fritter away your life” means to waste a life over a period of time on things that are not worthwhile. Is there anything you can do to help these children and give them a chance to get a fresh start toward that finish line?

Yes, there is! You can start thinking like God does about these children. God values children, all children. Many times in our churches we forget to value the child of divorce/cohabitation. We are busy with so many responsibilities that these children seem to get lost. It might be because this child only shows up occasionally in your church.

As children’s workers, it’s important to pray and consider ways you or someone in your church can help these children get a start toward that finish line. You may never know what happens to that child in his or her future life, but if you can just help them now, you will be giving them a chance to keep from frittering their lives away.

Sometimes that means understanding the single parent a little better. We forget that many single parents are struggling as much as their children. Following is an excerpt from an email I received. Hopefully this message will encourage you to reach out. Continue reading

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to teach first through fifth graders at church about the term faith. The jumping off point of our discussion was the story of Jesus and the Centurion’s servant as relayed in Matthew 8:5-13. In that story, Jesus agreed to heal the Centurion’s servant after being amazed by his faith. Matthew tells us:

When Jesus heard this, he was amazed and said to those following him, Truly I tell you, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. [Matthew 8:10]

After discussing the story, the lesson covered five questions to help lay a foundation for faith in Jesus Christ. The five questions included:

1. Who do we put our faith in?
2. What is faith?
3. Why do we need faith?
4. Where does faith come from?
5. What do we do with faith?

The more I studied for this lesson and reviewed scriptures related to each point, the more I began to understand why the divorce of a child’s parents can, and oftentimes does, shatter their faith in God. More than just inconveniencing a child, or making them mad or upset, divorce cuts through them at a very deep theological level leaving them questioning everything they have ever believed in and/or preventing them from trusting in Jesus Christ in the future. Continue reading

You may wonder why we would be talking about the child of loss on a website designed to talk about the child of divorce or cohabitating parents. Usually when you think of the child of loss you automatically think death. Have you ever thought about the child of divorce or the child of splitting cohabitating parents as a child in grief?

Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. [Matthew 5:4, NIV]

To the child, it is the death of their once intact family. They experience deep grief because the living environment they once knew no longer exists, but few of us realize these children are in mourning.

When my mom told me they were getting a divorce, I got confused. I didn’t understand what divorce was. I just knew my dad was moving out. I didn’t understand he was moving out moving out. I thought he was visiting a friend for a few weeks. I didn’t know what was going to happen to me and my sister. I was scared. I mean what was happening to our home? ….a second grade boy

Far too often the children are left standing in the middle wondering where they belong – with mom or with dad, or even, “do I belong anywhere?” Two parents who were once one unit are now two parents going separate ways. Unlike bereavement in the death of a parent, the child of separating parents usually faces this time alone. For the most part, the family support system is gone and the community of friends, religious leaders and extended family tend to distance themselves over time. All of this leaves the children to navigate this journey by themselves or with their siblings.

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