A few weeks ago I had three single moms in one of my single parent groups weeping. Why were they weeping? Because it was in the heat of the government shut down, and they were worried about how they were going to feed their children given the current economy and their circumstances.

Our church has a food pantry and I could make sure their children didn’t go hungry but really the issue of feeding their children wasn’t the main problem. The main problem was their perception about the situation.

Perception is a funny thing sometimes, especially when you are

• Divorced
• Stressed out about caring for your children
• Barely able to function
• Exhausted trying to maintain a two-parent schedule with a one-parent team
• Working from the emotional level in your brain

Everything becomes confused in your mind and in your weakened state, things get twisted, turned around and in general your thinking gets out of whack. The three women were struggling financially and with all the news and talk about the shut down, you might say they were hyperventilating about things.

The other side of this story is that two of the ex’s had told the women they couldn’t pay their child support because of financial issues with the government shut down. In other words the men were using the situation to inflict panic. Please don’t think I’m hammering the men but it just so happens in this situation it was the men. I have had moms do similar things at other times. Divorce seems to skew everyone’s thinking and perceptions.

My first goal was to calm everyone down. I took a deep breath, calmed myself down and then talked about things they could do. I told them about our food pantry and offered to get them some food if they needed it. Some of the single dads in the group gave them some suggestions also.

Another one of our single moms had her radiator go out on her car. She called me in tears. This single mom is trying so hard to survive and she has a story to tell, a story that eventually will impact many people. Satan doesn’t want her to survive and on the day her radiator blew out her perception was one of giving up.

My first thought was, “add empathy.” My second thought was, “calm her down.” I told her she couldn’t give up. She has two beautiful children depending on her. She impacts others in our single parent class by her strength and her sharing of what she has been through and how God brought her out of the depths of despair. I told her we would get her some help.

I got on the phone and called the garage and asked the mechanic if he could come off his labor just a bit and explained I was collecting funds to help her. He agreed to help out. I then texted several of our single parents that I figured could spare ten or twenty dollars. Lastly after getting promises for half the needed funds I called a man that had told me before if I had single moms that needed help to let him know. This man made up the difference and we were able to pay the entire amount of her bill for her car.

This week one of our single moms had three flats. She didn’t ask for financial help but she did need to be encouraged. I emailed several single parents in our group and asked them to pray for her and to take a minute to encourage her. I found out later that she was so surprised and uplifted by the many encouraging text messages she got. She said, “I didn’t even know who was texting me because I didn’t recognize the numbers.” That simple act of texting encouragement will be felt for many days with this mom.

As our national economy struggles, single parents particularly are going to be affected. Many live right on the edge with every penny that comes in, going right back out. Emergency situations send many over the edge financially and emotionally. Sometimes it is their perception that they aren’t going to make it and sometimes they need

• Financial help
• Emotional support
• Encouragement
• Spiritual strength

What can you do for the single parents in your community who are struggling to survive whether it be their perception or the truth?

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This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on November 04, 2013.

What would you do if a divorced parent you knew came into your church armed and with the intent of doing harm?

It is sad to think we have to worry about protecting our children at church. However, it is a must if you want to provide a safe place for children. There have been cases where an armed person or a shooter has walked into a church building with the intent to do harm. Churches can become targets for people of rage, divorce, discontent and those on some sort of substance.

• Some of these people are trying to make a statement.
• Some are getting back at the institution of “church” perhaps from something from their past.
• Sometimes it might be due to a mental illness
• Sometime it might be a parent in the midst of a divorce

With the stress in our world today and coming into the holiday season where even more people will be stressed, now might be a good time to evaluate your church’s policies and procedures. It is especially important to think through possible scenarios regarding children of divorce.

The holiday season can bring up many issues with children of divorce and their single parents. Parents can become angry, enraged or sad and depressed.

What do you do? How do you protect your church and more importantly how do you protect your children and your children’s area?

When It Is a Divorced Situation

If it has been a situation where there has been abuse or possible PTSD in the parent, church staff needs to be made aware. Without spreading gossip, key team players need to be notified in advance.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

Restraining order

If there is a restraining order, the church needs to have a copy and key people in the children’s areas need to know where a copy of the retraining order is kept. It should be kept under lock and key.

Armed Intruder

If an armed intruder gets into the children’s area and they are one of the parents of one of the children in your group, call the authorities immediately. Even if you know the parent, call the authorities and even if you think someone else has called the authorities, you also call as soon as you can.

Code Alert

It would be good to have a code to use in a situation where the volunteers know the parent but the parent is armed.

Because the intruder is known to members of the church a predetermined code will alert everyone to the seriousness of the situation. Someone can text the situation to leadership. “Samantha’s dad is here. Red alert!”

This dad might have been at home alone in his new apartment. He could have been drinking or he could have gone into despair and wanted to get his child. He may know the layout of the church as well as all the volunteers. He decides to come to the church building and kidnap his child.

Calm Down or Distract

In most situations like this, if there is any way you can calm the intruder down or distract him until the authorities have arrived do so.

Do not give his child or children to him. Keep in mind you are there to protect and keep all the children and the adults safe.

Do not talk to the intruder if at all possible. But if he comes into your area and there is no escaping, remain as calm as possible.

Speak slowly and distinctly.

Gather the Kids

While the lead person is talking to the armed parent intruder, other volunteers need to gather the children and if at all possible get them out of the area. If not possible separate them into groups and get them involved in activities to distract them.

Have a Plan

Hopefully your church has a security team in place and they already have procedures and protocols in place. They know in advance who contacts:

• The police
• Fire department
• Ambulance
• Parents not on sight

They have trained staff who know what to do and how to go into lock down mode.

Listen to Your Kids and Be Prepared

Listen to the children in your church classes. If one of them mentions a dangerous situation, pay attention. One children’s minister said one of her kids came to church one day and said, “My daddy said he is going to kill himself.” When this happened, it was taken seriously.

A minister took another person with him and visited with the parent. They were able to get help for the divorcing parent. In this situation everything turned out good in the long run. However, if the leadership had ignored this situation, it very well could have led to a suicide or even the suicidal person coming to the church with the intent to do harm.

Plan ahead and be prepared for the worst-case scenario.

(For more information on developing your church’s policies and procedure for armed intruder look for Linda’s book, “Attract Families to Your Church and Keep Them Coming”.)

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This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on November 12, 2013.

Have you ever had a child get attached to you? I’ve had children who I knew were connected to me emotionally. I always hated it when I had to move and leave those kids behind.

For the child of divorce though it is a little different kind of connection. They become attached to not only you but also to their memory of you. You might call it a heart-felt connection. And they hold onto this memory for years. In their minds they know where they can find you and while you might not see them for years, they know you are there for them in that heart-felt connection.

When a child of divorce moves on to another church or they out grow your group, in their minds they still stay connected to you. The only thing is you might not realize it.

I learned about this phenomenon years ago. Back in the late sixties I worked for the San Diego School system. I taught music classes and also worked in their afterschool program. We had an older school aged child who lived with her dad. She grew into her teen years and we never saw her again after she graduated sixth grade.

Several years later the afterschool program moved to a different location. One day my mentor, Kitty Boggionni, said she was going to make one more sweep through the buildings to make sure everything had been moved. She said as she approached the building she heard someone crying, and as she rounded the corner she saw a young college age woman sitting on the steps weeping.

As she walked closer the young woman jumped up and said, “Oh Mrs. Boggionni, it’s you. I thought I had lost you. When I drove by and saw they were moving everything I didn’t know what to do. I have been so upset for days. Every time I drive by this place I think about you and I always knew if I needed you, you’d be here.”

It seems as though for the past six years this woman felt a connection to the building and to Mrs. Boggionni, the main player in her life when she was in elementary school.

This same thing happened to me when I moved from Oklahoma to North Carolina. The word got out in the community that I was moving, and one afternoon a young woman I hadn’t seen in several years walked right up to me and hugged me. She started crying and said, “I can’t believe you are leaving me.”

I said, “But Jena I haven’t seen you in at least two years.” To which she replied, “But I always knew you were here and if I ever needed you I knew where to find you. Now you are moving away and you are leaving me.”

I had been there for her when her mom and dad had divorced. The only conclusion I can come to is that when you are there for these kids at the most traumatic time in their lives, they connect with you on such a deep level that the memory of that connection lives on inside them.

Now with Facebook and other social media, people can stay connected much easier. I have kids of divorce find me all the time on Facebook. They want to stay connected. They just need to know that I’m here for them. These are heart-felt connections and they go deep.

When was the last time you made a heart-felt connection with a child of divorce?

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This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on November 15, 2013.

If you have ever worked in the nursery at church you have observed altruism in the very young. Babies who can crawl and toddlers will do their best to comfort a crying newcomer. They will do this by crawling over and handing the other child their pacifier or their blankie. You might say they extend the hand of welcome to newcomers who are distraught.

When I had my infant / toddler rooms in my childcare I loved to observe the interaction of these little people. I believe God created our brains and their brains to want to comfort others. We see Jesus extending comfort to many in the Bible. So it stands to reason in our churches we should be modeling what Jesus modeled.

This is never truer than when working with the child of divorce. Keep in mind many children of divorce might not get to see these kinds of interactions at home. This is especially true of children who have warring parents in the throes of divorce.

When these children begin to heal and survive the divorce of their parents, if they have found healing in a church, they instinctively want to comfort the other distressed children of divorce. They want to model what has been projected onto them.

Years ago I had worked with a child of divorce for several years. It was a sad situation but my little friend had come a long way. We registered a newcomer, and the first day I saw my friend bend over the table talking to her. As she walked away I noticed she was a bit teary eyed. I went to her and before I could say anything she said,

“Oh Miss Linda that girl is really angry right now about her parent’s divorce. I told her I used to be like that and I would help her. She is going to need a lot of love and care but I’ll be here for her.”

My friend discovered that by helping others she was actually helping herself. She may not have realized it at the time as altruism, but she knew she felt better about herself when she reached out to help others.

The three components of altruism are:

1. Loving others
2. Helping them during their time of need
3. Making sure that they are appreciated

Endorphins flood the brain when you are being kind. These feel good chemicals can help children want to help others because it helps them feel good about themselves. Think about a time you were kind to someone and how good that felt. That is altruism at work in your brain. Kids are the same way. For some children you might need to point that out at first, but eventually they will come to realize that kindness to others and helping others feel good.

So, how do we teach/disciple kids so that they can help other kids to deal with stressful situations like divorce? In my experience this has been accomplished by:

• Teaching children to care for others
• Modeling what caring for others looks like
• Giving them exposure and opportunity to be kind and caring to other kids
• Allowing them to experience the joy that comes with discipling others
• Pointing out, gingerly, when one child has been a good disciple to another
• Carefully explaining when an adult has helped them or others
• Telling them stories from the Bible where Jesus and others have helped people in stressful situations and then relating those stories to situations in the group
• Giving them scripture that helps children understand their own hearts such as. “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Proverbs 17:22
• Helping children memorize scriptures that will impact their daily lives. “A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body;” Proverbs 14:30a
• Providing scriptures that offer encouragement. “May God, who gives this patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other, as is fitting for followers of Christ Jesus.” Romans 15:5

Eventually these children will come to have a heart understanding of,

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” 2nd Corinthians 1: 3-4

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This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on August 09, 2013.

When my grandson was three years old, I moved into my daughter’s house and lived there for a year while she was deployed to Afghanistan. One thing I noticed is the three year-old had a smile all the time. This little kid was one happy little guy.

He even smiled most of the time when he was in trouble. His smile and happiness rarely got him out of trouble, but he just kept smiling anyway. I learned a lot from this three year-old – stop and smile every once in awhile.

I notice when I smile I seem to just feel better about things. I could have been very stressed and worried about my daughter in the situation she was in, but when the three year-old walked in with that smile my day got better. His smile was contagious. Even though his mom was gone, and he was sad and missing her, his smile always came through. This little kid had discovered early in his life something researchers are now validating.

Research bears out this information.

• When you take time to smile the feel good chemicals such as dopamine, endorphins and serotonin fire off in the brain.
• Smiling lifts your mood.
• The serotonin that is released in a smile helps stave off depression.
• When you smile, people react to you differently. They tend to treat you nicer.
• Some researchers say that seeing someone smiling activates the reward system in your brain. In other words when someone smiles at you, you feel rewarded.
• Smiling is contagious.
• Smiling helps deepen relationships.
• Smiling makes you attractive.
• The world seems like a better place when you smile.

Why am I talking about smiling on a blog about ministering to children of divorce? Because, it is very important that children of divorce have people minister to them that will lighten their stress. They need people that will help them feel good. They need adults who will want to deepen the bonds of friendship with them.

Think about it. Many children of divorce are around sad or angry adults all the time. This is especially true if the parents are warring and fighting. A parent comes to pick the child up for visitation; angry words are exchanged between the two people the child loves the most. The child leaves one parent, who has a scowl on their face, only to go with the other parent who is seething. This child needs to have some feel-good chemicals fire off in the brain. Is it any wonder so many kids of divorce are depressed or angry? Perhaps they rarely have an opportunity to activate endorphins that lift their moods.

People who work with the child of divorce have many opportunities to lift a child’s mood by smiling.

• When you greet a child of divorce, smile.
• When you see them across the room, smile.
• When they have accomplished something, smile.
• When they look scared or nervous, smile.
• When you get worried or afraid the child is going to get out of control, smile. (You need happy chemicals firing off in your brain too.)
• When the child goes to leave, send them off with a smile.

Get the picture?

Try smiling right now. See, doesn’t that make you feel a little less stressed? Go to the mirror and smile at yourself. You might actually catch your own smile. Tomorrow when you rise, try smiling at God the minute your foot hits the floor.

By smiling you can help these children feel connected to the Lord and to the Lord’s people. Smiling actually has the ability to deepen the bonds between you, the child, the parent and other adults in the church. Since smiling is contagious, get this epidemic get started at your church and let it begin with you.

Job 29:24 “I smiled on them when they had no confidence; and the light of my countenance they did not cast down.” (NIV)

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This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on July 26, 2013.

Recently I got a text from a single mom. She is just starting the divorce journey. She has moved into an apartment and is making great strides in developing a healthy single parent home. This mom does not want the divorce but sometimes things are out of one’s control. Her kids are going with their dad to another state to visit the girlfriend. Mom wanted to know what she should tell her kids before they leave with the dad.

The children do not know about the girlfriend. They don’t know why their parents are getting a divorce. The boys love both parents, and they still want to live with both parents. The mom is wise to only give them the truth on their developmental level. She is also being smart not to run down the dad or the girlfriend. She continues to tell them they are going to be okay.

Her text was, “Tomorrow the boys are going to meet my husband’s girlfriend. Should I say something or tell them before they meet her?” This is a tough situation for any single parent.

The boys do not know they are going to meet someone new. My suggestion was to sit the boys down and talk to both boys at the same time. Use a matter of fact and calm voice. Here is what I suggested she say:

• Remind the boys that both parents still love them even though they no longer love each other.
• Tell them now that you and their dad are separated and living in different homes that there will be new people coming into their lives – like new friends.
• Do not tell them they are meeting the girlfriend this weekend. This is the dad’s responsibility.
• Tell them divorce is an adult problem and not their fault.
• Tell them how proud you are of how they are handling the move to an apartment.
• Tell them you are going to miss them while they are out of town with their dad.
• Tell them a few things you are going to do this weekend. For example, “I am really tired so this weekend while you are gone I’m going to take a nap in the middle of the day and relax. I might unpack some more boxes too.”

I explained that it is important to let the children know what she was going to be doing while they are gone so they won’t be worried about her going out to meet a “new dad”. Unfortunately this is how many children think after a divorce. Or they worry about their parent being alone and missing them.

I’ve worked with hundreds of children of divorce. As adults we don’t realize the trauma these kids experience. One of the parents falls in love with someone else and they automatically think the kids will feel the same way about the new person as they do. For an adult the love for the other parent dies but for a child, they will continue to love both parents.

I hurt for these boys. However, they have a strong Christian mother and this will help them as they learn to live in two separate homes.

As a children’s minister or someone who works with children of divorce, how would you advise this single mom?

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This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on August 02, 2013.

Many times when one reads articles or post about kids of divorce, we read about hurting children. However, we have hundreds of children in our churches that are healing from the devastation of divorce. These are kids whose parents have kept them in church. Have you considered allowing children of divorce to disciple and minister to other hurting kids?

These are also the children that been through DC4K, Divorce Care for Kids. These are the kids that are back on their feet. They have crossed the victory line so to speak. While they will always have to deal with the divorce and living in two homes, they have learned how to accomplish this surmounting task with dignity and with the help of a heavenly Father.

These are the kids that can minister to almost any kid in your Sunday morning class or other group situations at your church.

• These kids know what it’s like to hurt, to be sad and how to get through some rough times.
• They know what anger and rage feel like and how to process their feelings so they don’t hurt so much anymore.
• They can befriend the child that is being abused. You will have many that have experienced it themselves, although you may never know it. But they will recognize others who are in the same situation.
• They can ease the transition of a new child to the area and to your church.
• These are the kids we need to call on to pray for other children.
• If asked they can befriend a new comer.

Don’t discount what God has done or is doing in their lives. Many of these children have old souls in that they have lived with more hurt and problems than many Christian adults. They understand.

When my son was a senior in high school I asked him to not run around with one of his friends who was continually getting into trouble.

My son said to me,

“Mom, when I was in the second grade and dad left I told you I needed someone to talk to when I felt lonely. You told me that God could be the dad in our home. I told you I wanted someone with skin on and you told me to pray about it. So I prayed about it one night and I asked God to bring a special person into my life. Somebody that I could talk to and laugh with and play sport with and be my best friend. The next morning David showed up in my class and I knew that was the special friend God was sending me. We have been friends for ten years and I will not desert him at a time when he needs someone faithful. He needs my friendship now more than ever.”

Whoa! For ten years my son had been ministering and had been acting as a disciple to his friend David. He had brought David to church early on. He stayed in contact with David even when they went to middle school and high school. He prayed for David and for David’s family. He witnessed to David. He took David to a Christian camp in the summer when they were teens. He never forgot his friend David.

Never discount what a child of divorce can do; how they can minister and how they can disciple others.

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This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on August 16, 2013.

We don’t usually think about little children having a heart attack. The kind of heart attack I’m talking about is affecting thousands of children. It is the emotional and spiritual heart attack they experience when their family falls apart. The family could be a divorcing family or a never married family. To a child, it makes no difference if their parents were legally married or involved in a co-habitation situation.

For years children have told me their hearts hurt. When I ask them where it hurts, they will lay their little hands over their hearts and say,

“It hurts right here.”

Little children are experiencing a monumental crisis at an early age in life. Just like a heart attack that an adult might have, the damage can be devastating.

The emotional heart attack can leave scars that will affect the child when they become an adult. As they try to form relationships or enter into a marriage, they may be lacking in relational skills.

Spiritual lives may be affected as they struggle to understand a Heavenly Father when they have no relationship with an earthly father. A relationship with Christ may be hindered because they can’t understand how anyone could love them enough to die on the cross for their soul. How can we expect them to understand Christ as a Savior when one of the parents walked away?

We can teach children,

“Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage.” Psalm 27:14 (NIV)

We can do this by

• Demonstrating love for Christ
• Modeling healthy relationships between people
• Showing them what a life of faith looks like
• Praying with them and for them
• Sharing how our prayers are answered
• Introducing them to God’s word
• Providing them with scriptures on a regular basis
• Talking about how to care for their hurting hearts by giving them hope and encouragement

Church leaders and loving Christian adults can be the catalyst that mends the broken heart. You can be the one that soothes the pain of the heart attack. You can be the one that applies the salve to the hurting heart and the one that makes a difference in a child’s understanding of life.

More than anything you can be the one who recognizes a child-like heart attack.

“Therefore the king said to me, ‘Why is your face sad, since you are not sick? This is nothing but sorrow of heart.’” Nehemiah 2:2 (NKJV)

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This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on September 06, 2013.

Children who make the following statements might be confused about whose authority they are supposed to follow. Another scenario is they might be trying to play one parent against the other. We call it playing the “but card.”

“But Dad wouldn’t do it that way.”

“But mom lets us have it.”

“But dad said if we didn’t want to go to bed early we don’t have to. He said so.”

“But mom said we have to do our homework as soon as we get home. She said if it’s a problem for you to call her.”

When a single parent comes to you, the children’s minister and expert on children, what will you say to them about children manipulating their divorced parents? Here are some thoughts and some sample conversations you can suggest to the parents in your church.

At first when children are learning to live in two households they can get confused about exactly whose authority they are to follow on what days.

Before the separation perhaps dad’s say was final. Now mom is going to have to establish authority in her home without dad.

Or maybe dad left the disciplining, assigning chores, etc. up to mom before the separation but now dad has to get organized and set boundaries for his home.

After kids get used to the parents living in separate homes they are pretty quick to realize there is a game they can play. And that game is called “Let’s pit one parent against the other so can get what we want”. The winning card in this game is the “but” card.

“But mom, dad lets us……”

“But dad, mom said……”

Kids of divorce become pretty perceptive in their thinking.

• They perceive when parents are at war with each other.
• They perceive when one parent has decided to move on with their life and start dating.
• They perceive when one parent is stressed.
• They perceive when a parent is distracted with work or other problems.
• They perceive what they can get by with at each parent’s home and they use it to their advantage.

Unfortunately many single parents fall unknowingly into this crazy game.

• It might be they don’t want their kids to stop loving them or liking them.
• Perhaps they are one of the many single parents that try to be their child’s friend.
• Perhaps the single parent has guilty feelings for putting their child through the trauma of divorce or separation.
• Maybe they don’t get to see their child often enough and they think if they just give the child what they want it will be okay.

Whatever the reason single parents fall into this trap, when possible they need to communicate with the other parent about the rules and boundaries they have set in their home.

A lot of single parents don’t have the luxury of being able to communicate with the other parent. Once the divorce has taken place, all communication with the other parent comes to a screeching halt. These single parents are going to have to be strong and determined to parent their children alone.

A conversation might go something like this, “Sweetie I appreciate that you and your dad have a good time at his house. I understand he lets you stay up late but at our house we have to get up early so I can get you to school.” Then with an assertive voice, “We will stick to our routine of going to bed at a reasonable hour in this house.”

If children continue to say things to try and sway a single parent’s thinking then the next conversation might need to go something like this, “I’m glad you get to spend time with your mom. But when you come home to my house, we need to talk about things in our home. I don’t want to hear about what your mom allows you to do at her house.” And this conversation must be said with authority.

What suggestions do you have to trump the “but” card?

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This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on August 30, 2013.

Unfortunately children of divorce have a lot of questions to ask but many times they don’t know whom to ask. When they do ask, many are told lies or maybe not really lies but half-truths. Children need the truth not lies or made up stories.

I have always advocated that children be told the truth on their developmental level. Never should they be told sordid details about the other parent. Single parents need to protect the child and the other parent’s image. The other parent is just that – the child’s other parent. The child is not the one divorcing you or the other parent.

When parents are in the throws of divorce it is hard not to criticize the other parent to anyone who will listen. Children do not need to be listeners for their parents. What they need are simple and truthful answers to their questions, not a list of all the wrongs committed for the past many years.

Recently I’ve been reading the book, “Generation iY” by Tim Elmore (Poet Gardener Publishing). I highly recommend this book for anyone working with children and teens today. In this book he talks about the lies adults have been telling this generation. He gives a list of reasons why adults tell lies.

Among them are:

• Because we’re insecure
• Because speaking the truth takes time and work
• Because the truth can be painful
• Because facing the truth makes us responsible

All of the above can apply to divorcing parents. Many divorcing parents are insecure. They worry their child won’t love them as much as they love the other parent. These are the single parents who want to be their child’s friend. They make things up so the child will love them and like them better than the other parent. “I’m going to take you to Disney World and we are going to have so much fun. You just wait and see.”

A parent may be busy, stressed and worried so when a child asks a question it might seem easier to just lie or maybe not tell the entire truth. The parent doesn’t want to give up the time it might take to explain things in detail. “Not now sweetie. I’m busy. We’ll talk about it soon. I promise.” And they never get around to talking about it.

Many times a parent may be trying to protect their child from experiencing any pain. The parent thinks if they color the truth just a little bit it will protect the child. The problem with this is someday the child may found out the truth and it will be more painful in the long run. The child asks, “Dad does mom have a drinking problem?” and the dad answers, “Hey buddy, you don’t need to worrying about such things. Mom is fine. She just needs some space.”
Some single parents simply don’t want to be held responsible for their actions so they lie to their children. “Whatever gave you the idea that Leesa and I were dating? She’s your mom’s best friend and her and I have been friends for a long time too. ”

While single parents might not mean to ignore, lie, color the truth or give half-truths to their children, their body language and attitudes shout, “Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies!” So the children suffer in silence.

What can church leaders do?

• • Help the single parent realize their child is not their best friend.
  • Host divorce recovery support groups such as DivorceCare.
  • Counsel, coach or host classes for single parents about the developmental levels their children are on at different ages. Keep in mind some children will regress in developmental areas during a divorce.
  • Host classes or support groups that specifically teach single parents how to parent alone. Groups such as Single and Parenting provide training as well as time to talk and work through various parenting issues.
  • Provide groups, classes or resources that are equally dad friendly and mom friendly.
  • Provide sermons and talks on forgiveness along with scriptures single parents can study, pray on and digest when alone.
  • Provide seminars that encourage and give hope to the person parenting alone.
  • Provide healthy two-parent families that can come alongside the single parent
For example:
Find families that have children the same age as the single parent.
  • Provide guide sheets or train the mentors with helpful tips and tools.
Encourage mentor families to include the single parent in holiday celebrations.

What have you done to help single parent become question-friendly to their children?

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This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on September 13, 2013.