H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Your parents would not have gotten a divorce if their relationship had not been strained in the first place.  In addition, divorce is a hard and stressful time, and many parents come out of a divorce with even more bitter feelings towards one another.  They should understand and appreciate that the other parent is still your parent and still important to you, but sometimes they mess up, forget that or ignore that fact and say things they shouldn’t say either to you or in front of you.

When your parents say bad things about one another, there are a few different things you should try to make the situation better.

1. Remember that there are two sides to every story, and often when we tell stories or talk about other people we are biased by our emotions and circumstances. Make your own judgments about your parents based on your own knowledge and not based on second-hand stories or comments from one parent.
2. Talk to your parents about the situation.  Tell them that you understand they may be upset with your other parent but that you still love them both and won’t pick one over the other.  Let them know that it hurts you to hear them saying negative things about the other parent.  Try to do this in a respectful way, but make it clear that your parent’s actions are hurting you as well, and ask them to stop talking badly about the other parent.  Hopefully this will be enough to get them to stop bad mouthing your other parent.
3. If it is too difficult to have a conversation with your parent, write them a letter explaining the situation and asking them to stop.
4. If you communicate with your parents and they continue to bad mouth the other parent, make a point of removing yourself from the situation next time one parent starts to speak negatively about the other.  It is not healthy for you to continue to listen to it.
5. Remember that parents make mistakes too.  Try to forgive them even when they don’t ask for forgiveness.

Remember, no matter what one parent may say, you have the right to love both of your parents and have both of them in your life. Sometimes when one parent says something bad about the other, it is almost as if they are saying that thing about you. After all, you are one-half of each of your parents. Try not to take what your parents say personally, and remember that their words do not define who you are as a person or an individual. You are not defined by their choices or actions.

H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Many children of single parents end up in a situation where their parents start dating again and they don’t like the new boyfriend or girlfriend.  If there is a reason not to like them – like they make you feel uncomfortable or are physically or emotionally abusive, you need to tell someone about it.  However, if you just don’t like them and you don’t know exactly why, there are some things you should keep in mind to help you adjust to your parent’s new love interest and keep from damaging your own relationship with your parent:

1. Remember, your parent’s boyfriend/girlfriend is not your new parent.  They shouldn’t act like they are, and you shouldn’t expect them to fill that role.
2. Talk to your mom or dad about it, but make sure you do it in a respectful way. Explain that you don’t like the idea of them dating.  If it hasn’t been long since the divorce, explain that you need time to adjust to the divorce. Explain that you are trying, but that they need to understand that this hurts you. Don’t give ultimatums and don’t place blame. Just share your feelings.
3. Remember that you don’t have to like the person your parent dates. Unless that person makes you feel unsafe for some reason, you don’t have to like them. Don’t try to force yourself to feel a certain way, you can’t.
4. Try to start over. If there isn’t a reason not to like the new person in your parent’s life, go back and “redo.” Start over remembering that you are just working on forming a new friendship regardless of what your parent feels about this parent. Engage in idle chit-chat. Find things that you both like and talk about them (even it’s ice cream).  Without the pressure on either of you, you might find it easier to start a relationship and even form a friendship with this person if you just start over.
5. Guard your heart. Your parent might be in love, but that doesn’t mean this relationship will last. If you do put some effort into it and end up liking this person, guard your heart a little bit to avoid being overly vulnerable in the event the relationship ends.
6. Work on your relationship with your parent. Just because the two of you disagree doesn’t have to destroy the relationship. Find some common ground or work together to set up some ground rules that you both can live with.

You might also find something useful in the following previous questions answered here on I Am A Child of Divorce:

• How Can I Keep My Parents From Dating After a Divorce?
• What Do I Do When My Parents Start Dating Other People?

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

One of the questions that comes up more than any other after parents separate is, what do I do if I don’t like the person my parent is dating? You can find some ideas here, and here if you find yourself in that situation.

But, what if that person your Mom or Dad is still with is the person that caused the break up of your parents in the first place. Maybe the guy your Mom is with is the guy she cheated on your Dad with. Maybe your Dad’s new girlfriend is the woman he left your mom for in the first place. Maybe both of your parents are dating (or remarried to) the person they left your other parent for. How do you deal with that?

Let’s start by acknowledging the pain and the hurt that this situation causes. When your parents split up, it hurts! When you’re left to pick up the pieces and trying to figure out how to move on with life, it causes pain, confusion, stress and so much more. The loss of your family (as you knew it) hurts, and it is a loss that must be grieved.

When one (or both) of your parents cheats on the other and then leaves to be with the person they cheated with, the hurt and the pain can be that much worse. It is natural to feel betrayed, angry, confused or even abandoned. And, when your parent has a new person in their life, it oftentimes feels like they’re spending all of their time with that person and ignoring you when you need them the most. When that person is the one who “caused” the split, that feeling of being ignored or abandoned is even more intense. On top of all that, many times your parent will expect or pressure you to accept the new person in their life when that is the last thing on earth you want to do! So, what can you do about all that and how do you handle the situation? Here are a couple of suggestions: Continue reading

H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

In an earlier article, we looked at why it is so important to forgive people who have hurt us:

Should I Forgive My Parents for What They Have Done?

In this article, we will look at some specific things to keep in mind and steps you can take to forgive even when it’s hard.

How Do I Forgive?

1. Remember that forgiveness is not an event, it is a process. It may be easier to think of forgiveness as being made up of two steps. The first step is making the decision to forgive. The second step is working towards getting out thoughts and emotions to match up with that decision. The decision to forgive can be made in an instant, but many times it takes a lot longer to complete the second step.
2. Forgiveness isn’t always easy. So, don’t assume that just because you’ve decided to forgive that the hard part is out of the way. Sometimes, the process of reconciling your emotions and thoughts to that decision is even harder than the decision itself.
3. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. If someone has harmed you, particularly if that harm involved some sort of neglect or abuse, forgiveness does not mean that you forget what the person did or put yourself in the position to be hurt that way again.
4. Empathy can be an important step in the forgiveness process. Empathy is trying to put yourself into the shoes of the person who has hurt you. Why might they have done what they did? Why were they probably feeling at the time? Did they intend to hurt you? Trying to understand the situations from the other person’s point of view can be a valuable step in forgiving.
5. Understand your emotions. How did the actions in question make you feel? Why did they make you feel that way? Naming those emotions and recognizing them in yourself is an important step towards releasing those emotions and ultimately towards the ability to forgive.
6. If it is possible, safe and appropriate, tell the person that you are forgiving how their actions made you feel and that you are forgiving them. It is not important whether they choose to accept your forgiveness or even admit that they did anything wrong. If it isn’t possible to do this in person, write it in a letter.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Following the divorce or separation of your parents, your relationship with them may feel distant or strained.  It may be the case that you have been angry with them and have intentionally avoided them causing your relationship to suffer.  They might be busy with adjusting to a new life away from your other parent and not be spending time with you.  You may both be avoiding one another because you don’t know what to say, or maybe you’re afraid that you’ll hurt your parents’ feelings if you tell them what you’re really thinking.

Whether you admit it or not, most children instinctively desire to protect their parents.  No matter how wrong you might think they were to get divorced in the first place, you may be reluctant to share the emotions and troubles you have for fear of making things worse for them.

On the other hand, if your parents are divorced or separated, you are likely experiencing some emotions you have never felt before or never felt quite this intensely.  Many of the articles and resources on this site are designed to help you process those emotions and understand and deal with them better.

That said, you still need someone to talk to about your emotions.  Just the process of naming your emotions and talking about your struggles is an important first step in overcoming them.  The person you talk to may be a friend or a trusted adult, but sometimes the person you really need to talk to is your parent.  It may be scary or uncomfortable, but in the long-term you will both benefit from having the conversation.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

If you ever wonder if it’s ok to love both of your parents after a divorce or separation, the answer to this question is simple:

YES

You absolutely have the right to love both of your parents no matter what happened in their relationship with one another.

Sometimes the fact that you love one parent might make things uncomfortable for the other parent, and other times you might feel like the fact that you love your Dad makes your Mom mad or vice-versa.  Unfortunately, you might be right. Especially when parents have gotten a divorce, one or both parents may harbor resentment and anger towards the other parent.  They might even try to influence you to feel the same way they do about your other parent.  What they are doing isn’t fair to you, but it is likely the result of the frustration and stress that they are feeling.  Unfortunately, parents are human beings too, and even parents make mistakes.

One fundamental right that every child from a divorced or separated home should have is the freedom to love both parents.  If you are in a situation where one parent is making that hard or uncomfortable, there are some things you can do to try to make the situation better: Continue reading

H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Many times when people get divorced, one or both or the parties to the divorce move.  It may be just down the street, or across town or to another city entirely.  Maybe your Dad lives in another state or Mom has moved to an entirely different country.  What can you do to maintain a relationship with a parent who no longer lives close by?

This can be a tough situation, and it can be hard to stay in contact because of distance and time constraints.  There are some things you can do in those circumstances however to make sure that you still maintain a relationship with your distant parent. So, what can you do to stay in touch with a parent when you don’t get to speak with them or see much if at all?  Here are some ideas:

1. Introduce your distant parent to new technology.  In these days of instant communication, you don’t have to see your parent face-to-face to communicate with them. Apps like Facetime and Skype allow almost anyone to video conference these days, and there is no reason you can’t see your parent and talk to them using these great programs.  Texting, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram all allow you to share what is going on in your life and allow your parent to do the same.  There are apps for other devices like iPods and Tablets that allow you to text even if you don’t have a cellular connection.
2. Write letters.  From new high-tech gadgets to old school, there is still something special about a handwritten letter.  Pour your heart out, or just let your parent know what is going on in your life.  A handwritten letter is just more personal than a message on a smart phone.
3. Record videos and send them to your parent.  They might not be able to be at your school recital or soccer game, but there’s no reason they can’t experience some of it.  Make a little video, even if it’s just a short Vine or Instagram video, and send it to them.  Ask them to video themselves and send it back to you.
4. Send personal things back and forth.  If you created a work of art in school, or in your spare time, send it to your parent.  If they go on a business trip, ask them to get you something and send it to you.  Make a “treasure box” that you can send back and forth.
5. Keep a journal. One reason that proximity helps to build relationships is because you get to share mutual experiences.  You can’t do that if your parent lives hours away, but if you keep a journal of things you want to let your parent know, or exciting things you want to share with them, you can make sure that they don’t miss out entirely on the important moments of your life.  Consider keeping two journals, you write in one one month and your parent writes in the other, then you swap them (by mail) and you get to read your parents’ journal for the last month and record your thoughts in that one.
6. Schedule a regular trip.  Just because you can’t see your parent as much as you would like doesn’t mean you can’t schedule regular trips to see them whether you go there or they come to see you.  Even if it’s only once or twice a year, talk to your parents about putting something on the calendar so you have that time to look forward to.

Your new arrangement is difficult, no doubt, but with a little bit of work and imagination, you can find a way to keep your relationship with your distant parent strong and thriving.  If there are other things you have tried, please share them in the comments below so we can all learn from you.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

When your parents split up, it’s easy to blame them and be angry about it. After all, they (or at least one of them) didn’t ask you what you wanted. Chances are you have been angry about that at some point. You might have talked to someone who suggested that you need to forgive your parent(s). But, how? What does it mean to forgive? Why would you even want to?

What is Forgiveness?

Sometimes we choose not to forgive because it seems like offering forgiveness is saying, “what you did is ok.” The truth is, that has nothing to do with forgiveness. The dictionary (dictionary.com) defines forgive as:

“to cancel an indebtedness”

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

When people get divorced, relationships suffer.  Obviously, your parents’ relationship is different, but it can also hurt your relationship with one or both parents.  In some extreme circumstances, a parent may decide they don’t really want anything to do with you anymore.  They can do this by their actions (spending little time with you) or come right out and say it.  The relationship suffers or dies because one of your parents isn’t interested in investing the time in having a relationship with you.  This is unfortunate (tragic even), and you don’t deserve it, but if you do find yourself with a parent who doesn’t really seem to want to spend any time with you, you have to tackle that issue before we discuss ways of staying in touch.

You can’t make your parent want to spend the time with you that you might want to spend with them.  Should they want to spend time with you?  Yes.  Is it unfair that they are no longer acting like a parent? Yes.  Is it your fault that they don’t want to spend time with you? Absolutely not!  Here are some things you need to remember and try if you find yourself with a parent who “just doesn’t have time for you:”

1. Be realistic. Is it true that they aren’t spending any time with you, or is it just the case that they aren’t spending as much time with you as you would like.  Many times after a divorce, schedules get hectic and parents end up working longer hours and running around more. The lack of time may be the result of that, and they may be missing spending time with you as much as you are missing spending it with them.  In that case, hang in there. Explain to them that you miss spending time with them and wait for this season to pass.  Try not to let the current distance harm your future relationship.
2. Don’t blame yourself.  You can’t change your parents.  You didn’t make them the way they are, and you can’t make them switch.  You can ask, but you can’t snap your fingers and make it happen.  Understand that their decision not to spend more time with you is exactly that – THEIR DECISION.  It is not a reflection on you as a person or as a son or daughter. Do not take the blame for someone else’s decision.
3. Accept the fact that you can’t make your parent(s) change.  Your Mom or Dad may never be the kind of Mom or Dad you want or feel like you deserve.  You might never have the relationship with your parent that you feel like you should have. This isn’t as easy as it might sound, but once you finally accept this as true, you can spend your time trying to forge whatever kind of relationship you can based on who your parent is rather than who you want them to be. It also allows you to move yourself from being captive to an ideal to free to go on and become the person you want to be (something you do have some control over).
4. Talk to your parent.  What seems very obvious to you (that they aren’t spending enough time with you) might not even be on their radar.  What’s the worse that can happen – they could confirm what you already believe (that they don’t want to spend time with you). That will hurt, but at least it will be out there on the table!
5. Give it time.  Just because your parent doesn’t seem interested today doesn’t mean that it will never change.  Hopefully they will come to their senses and want to reverse the current trend. They may even come to the realization that they have hurt you and work to make up for that. You can’t make it happen (see #3 above) and you need to accept the current state of things, but that doesn’t mean that you have to abandon all hope.  People change.  Sometimes it is for the worse, but many times it is for the better.
6. Find a trusted adult you can talk to. You won’t be able to replace your “missing” parent, and you shouldn’t try, but it’s important that you have adults in your life that you trust who can help you with things that your distant parent should be doing.  It might be an aunt or an uncle, a family friends or someone from your church, but on the lookout for someone you can talk to and learn from.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Divorce is hard, and many times when parents get divorced the last thing they want to do is talk to the other spouse. When there are kids involved though, that isn’t an option. Even so, sometimes the anger and the hurt and the emotions are so overwhelming that even parents refuse to talk to one another. Maybe every conversation turns into a fight, or maybe they just can’t stand to be in the room with the other person. Whatever the reason, when parents refuse to talk it is generally the kids who get hurt the most. So, what can you do if your parents refuse to even talk to one another?

What you SHOULDN’T do if your parents aren’t talking

One of the most important things you should do is know those thing you shouldn’t have to do if your parents aren’t speaking:

1. Don’t be their messenger. You are their child not a delivery service and not a messenger service. If your parents refuse to talk to one another and ask you to deliver messages, politely and respectfully explain that you would rather not do that because it makes you uncomfortable, and ask them to find some other way to communicate with one another (see suggestions below).
2. Don’t take sides. Your parents won’t always make the best choices, and when they are angry or fighting, they may be tempted to try to sway you to “take their side” against the other parent. The fact of the matter is, you are free to love both of your parents, and they should respect that decision.
3. Don’t try to play counselor. If your parents need to find someone to help them get along better, they need to find an adult who is removed from the situation. That’s not your job, nor should you try to fill that role.
4. Don’t use it to your advantage. You may be tempted to use the fact that your parents aren’t talking to get your own way or to get one parent to agree to things the other has already said no too. This isn’t fair to your parents, and it will likely come back to haunt you.
5. Don’t take it personally. Even if your parents are fighting about things related to you (visitation, child support, etc.), it is not your fault that they are fighting. Don’t feel guilty about it.

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