H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

When your parents were married to each other, they may have talked about who you remind them of.  Maybe you look like your father or sing like your mother.  Maybe you’re more animated like your father or more analytical like your mother.  Perhaps you’ve picked up some of the habits of your father or mother that remind your parents of what the other was like when they were younger.

After your parents divorce though, these qualities may take on a whole new meaning – one that is less positive and care free.  Maybe your mannerisms remind your mother of your father or vice versa.  If she hasn’t gotten past her anger towards him, your mannerism may begin to rub her the wrong way.  Maybe you’ve heard something like:

“You’re irresponsible and inconsiderate of other people – just like your Father!”

It’s not fair of your mother to put you in that position, but then she isn’t acting like herself these days anyhow.  What can you do when one parent is irritated by your actions or your appearance or your mannerisms just because they remind them of your other parent?

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Next to your parents actually getting a divorce, the hardest thing you might face is when they start dating other people.  It’s weird to see your father with someone other than your mother or your mother with anyone other than your father.  And, it’s natural for you to not want your parents to date other people.  Sometimes, it’s hard to get past the “weird factor” and accept this new phase of your parents’ lives.  Hopefully your mom or dad has given you, and themselves, enough time to adjust to the divorce before they start dating.  If not, have a conversation with them about how their dating makes you feel, and try to come up with some agreed guidelines for their dating.  They are still your parent, but it’s important that they know how you feel about the situation too.

Part of the reason so many kids have trouble adjusting to their parents dating after divorce is because they still hold out hope that their parents will get back together.  Although this doesn’t happen very often, and it is very unlikely that your parents will actually get back together, many children of divorce continue to cling to a sliver of hope that their parents might reunite.  When parents start to see other people, even that small sliver of hope is dashed and that makes it hard for kids to accept.

Some kids don’t like the idea of their parents dating after a divorce because they are afraid that their parent will find someone they want to spend more time with and stop spending as much time with them. Maybe you are concerned that if your parents start dating they won’t be home at night or they’ll miss your dance recital or baseball game. Maybe you’re concerned that they won’t be home for dinner or to help you with your homework. If this is your concern, sit down and talk to your parents. Sometimes just talking about your concerns will help you to feel better, and it will let your parents know that this is something that concerns you.

Another thing that makes it hard for some kids to accept their parents dating is because they feel like they are being disloyal to the other parent when they like the person their parent is dating.  If your father has a new girlfriend, you might feel like you are rejecting your mother if you accept her and try to get along with her.  The fact is that no one can, or will, ever replace either of your parents.  You may end up with “extra” adults in your life, but your mom will always be your mom and your dad will always be your dad.  That doesn’t mean that you can’t accept the new people and their role in your life as well.

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I’ll probably date myself with this one, but back when I was growing up, there was a popular song about the relationship between kids and parents called “Parents Just Don’t Understand.” Nowhere is this more evident than when talking about disrupted families.

One of the issues we face in making people aware of the impact of divorce on kids is the general disconnect between how parents and other adults view how their kids react to a family disruption and how the kids react. Until we begin to truly see divorce from the child’s point of view, we cannot be in a position to minister to them.

Recently, a British site called NetMums.com recently surveyed 1,000 parents and 100 children about the impact of family disruption and the perceptions of both parents and kids. Their conclusion was simple:

“Our new report reveals separating parents are in denial about the impact their divorce can have on their children.”

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

When your parents split up it’s hard.  There are tons of changes that happen in your life, and you may never really get used to the idea though you will likely adapt to your new life eventually.  One thing that makes the process even harder though is when you parents start to date other people.  When your Mom starts dating other guys or your Dad starts dating other women, it’s hard to get past the initial “ick” factor” let alone learn to cope with the whole dating thing.  That’s why so many kids try to keep their parents from dating at all.  For more on that, check out “How Can I Keep My Parents From Dating After Divorce?”

Assuming you couldn’t stop them from dating, and most kids can not, you may be wondering what you can do to help make the situation easier or better.  Here are some tips:

1. Try not to compare your parents’ new dating interest to your other parent.  If your Dad is dating someone new, don’t spend time constantly trying to figure out how she is or isn’t like you Mom.  Same thing if your Mom is dating someone new.  Try not to compare them to, or judge them, based on your Dad.
2. Remember that no matter what happens with your parents’ new dating relationships, no one will ever replace your mom and dad.  You may have additional grown ups in your life, but you only have one mom and one dad.
3. Don’t determine that you will not get along with your parents’ new dating partner.  Don’t hold your parents’ divorce against them.  They may be a very nice person.  It’s ok to like them, and it’s easier when you’re not looking for them to be a replacement mom or dad.  Liking your parents’ new boyfriend or girlfriend does not mean that you are betraying your other parent.
4. Speak to them like you would any other adult (perhaps the parent of one of your friends, or a teacher at school or church).  You may not like that your Mom or Dad is dating them, but that doesn’t give you the right to be disrespectful.  Remember the Golden Rule and apply it to them like you would anyone else – “Treat others the way you would want to be treated.”
5. Don’t bad mouth the new people in your parents’ lives to the other parent.  That isn’t your role and will only serve to make the tension between your parents worse.
6. Spend time with your mom or dad away from their new relationship.  Remind them, in a nice way, that you still want some time alone with them and ask if they would be willing to do that with you.
7. If your parents’ new dating interest makes you feel unsafe let your parent know that.  If they do anything inappropriate, report it to proper authorities immediately.  If you don’t know where to report it, talk to someone at school or church who can likely help you (a counselor, minister or teacher).
8. Find someone you trust to share what you are going through.  Make sure that it is someone who is willing to tell you if you are being unreasonable or are wrong.  It doesn’t do you, or anyone else, any good to only talk with people who are going to “side with” you no matter what.
9. Give it time.  All relationships take time to develop and grow.  Whatever relationship you might have with your parents dating partners will also take time to develop.  Don’t write them off right away, and don’t be discouraged because you are not instant best friends.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

When it comes to step and blended families, this question gets asked a lot.  It is difficult living in the same house as someone you don’t really like. In order to answer this question though, we need to think about WHY you don’t like your stepparent.

In my experience, people who don’t like their stepparent fall into one of four categories:

#1: You don’t like your stepparent because they are a genuinely mean or unkind person. This is the category most kids who don’t like their stepparent would likely say they fall into, but in actuality it is the rarest of category and generally not the reason for the friction in the relationship. However, If this is genuinely the case (that your stepparent is mean or unkind), there isn’t a whole lot you can do about it. Unfortunately, you can’t change people overnight. Instead, be respectful and aim for peaceful coexistence (meaning that you may not like him/her but you will at least choose to seek after peace rather than arguing or fighting). Remember that, as your stepmother or stepfather, this person is important to your biological parent even if he/she is not all that important to you. Remember to be respectful in your dealings with your stepparent even when it is hard.  Choose to be respectful because it is the right thing for you to do even if the other person doesn’t necessarily deserve it. Try your best to be loving and kind to them. You never know – you’re actions may impact how they choose to live their life and that act of love or kindness may come back to you and lead to a more healthy relationship.

With that out of the way, we can talk about the other, more likely, reasons that kids don’t get along with their stepparents. Even if you think you into the first group, you need to try to step back and evaluate the situation unemotionally to figure out if it is actually something else driving your dislike for your stepparent. This can be hard, and it might help to ask some people you trust (friends, aunts and uncles, grandparents, etc.) to be honest with you about why they think the conflict exists.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

When your parents separate or divorce, it is a very hard time. However, sometimes it is even harder when your parents remarry.  The world of stepmothers, stepfathers, stepsiblings and half-siblings can be a tough road to navigate and raises a whole host of issues that you will be forced to deal with.  Many times, children and teens find that they don’t care for their parent(s) new partner, and the step-family dynamic becomes difficult if not impossible to deal with.

However, there are cases where kids and teens find they really get along with their parent’s new partner.  Generally, this should make the transition easier, but not always! Sometimes the other parent resents the new relationship you have formed with your other parent’s new wife/husband and holds it against you. Sometimes they will even tell you that you are betraying them by befriending their ex’s (your other parent’s) new spouse. This puts you in a terrible position, and unfortunately it happens more often than you might think.

So, what should you do if you like your parent’s new spouse and your mom/dad is making your life miserable because of it? Here are some ideas:

1. First, understand and accept that you have the right to love both of your parents and the right to get along with your parents’ new spouses if you choose to do that. Your parents should not put you in a position where you feel like you have to choose between one parent and the other or between one of your parents and another parent’s new spouse. It is possible to have relationships with all of them, and ultimately it is up to you parents to understand and accept this. That said, there are some steps you can take to help your parents see the situation more clearly and hopefully adjust to it better so that you are not caught in the middle.
2. Try to understand what your parent is going through. They should not be acting that way, and you don’t have to accept their behavior, but do your best to try to think about the situation from their perspective. If you can understand the pain and the hurt and the fear that they are feeling, you may be able to approach the situation in a more effective way. For example, if their dislike of your new relationship with the other step-parent is driven by fear that they may lose you, you can reassure them that just because you get along with your new step-mom (for example), that she will always be your mother and you don’t love her any less.
3. Have an honest an open conversation with the parent who is having trouble with your relationship with the new stepparent. Try to keep the conversation as unemotional as possible. If you can’t have the conversation without arguing and fighting, consider sending your parent an e-mail or a letter instead.  Explain to them that just because you have a new relationship with your stepparent does not mean that you are replacing them. Explain how they make you feel when they question your loyalty or put down your stepparent. Explain that your relationship with the stepparent is different than your relationship with them and the fact that you have a formed a good relationship with them has made your life better/easier after the divorce.
4. Keep the details to yourself. You should never feel like you have to keep secrets from either of your parents, but it is possible to hold back on sharing all of the details with a parent is struggling to accept your new relationship with your stepparent. If you had a great vacation with your dad and step-mom, by all means, tell your mom about your vacation, but don’t feel like you have to share about how you and your step-mom stayed up until 3:00 AM one morning just laughing and sharing stories.
5. Never ever compare your parent to your stepparent.  Comments like, “You’re not as nice as my new mom (step-mom)” cut like a knife and are just as cruel to your mom as her accusing you of being disloyal.
6. Give it time.  Just like it may have taken you time to finally forge a good relationship with your new stepparent, it may take your mom or dad time to get used to the idea of you having a new “parent figure” in your life.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

It is very common for children whose parents have divorced to hope that their parents might get back together.  Most children of divorce experience this at some point following their parents’ separation.  This desire might last for a long time, and you may get angrier and angrier when it doesn’t happen.  Some kids even try to make deals with their parents or with God.  They might say,

God, if you let my parents get back together, I promise to keep my room clean and never to fight with my sister again.

Or, they might think to themselves,

If I just chip in more and do my chores, then my parents will see the improvement and want to live together again.

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