Our very own Linda Ranson Jacobs has written a new series on how divorce affects children of all ages. Linda is now writing for the new blog from Divorce Care 4 Kids (DC4K).  The good news for you is that you can now learn from Linda’s wisdom and insights more often than just on Friday here on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids, and we would encourage you to bookmark her blog.

One of Linda’s first series on the new blog highlights how divorce affects kids at every age and stage of development.  This is a great resource for you and for members of your church and children’s ministry in terms of ministering to children from divorced or separated homes.

Here are the installments in that initial series:

• How Divorce Affects Children
• How Divorce Affects Infants and Toddlers
• How Divorce Affects Preschool Age Children
• Effects of Divorce on the 6, 7 and 8 year-old Child
• Tweens and the Effects of Divorce on Their Lives
• Effects of Divorce on Teens and the How Mobile Devices Can Complicate Healing

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Who Is Raising Our Children?

We all know that our children are our next generation. Unless there is a conscious effort on the part of an adult, people will parent their own kids the way they were parented. Being parented doesn’t necessarily mean that a mother and/or father raised you. For generations, people like grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends have raised children. We have even had children being raised by people unknown to the child such as foster parents.

The Bible, as well as history books, are full of stories of children being raised by someone other than their birth parents. These people grew up and became parents and did fine for the most part. The differences in children being parented today are societal influences (computers, internet, video games, TV, etc.) and other entities that are raising our children especially children from single parent families. The significant other, or a cohabitating partner, is one example – a situation which, by the way, says, “I can’t commit to marriage but I will commit to letting you influence my child for several years.”

Who Is Influencing Our Children?

Children from single parent families spend the majority of their waking hours in group care. They either have parents that are attending school full time or parents that are working – some of these parents are working two or more jobs or going to school and working. One small study showed that school age children might very well be in child care 300 to 400 hours more per year than even in public school. When one counts summer, school vacations and holidays, early outs and parent teacher conference days the child will spend many more hours overall in the childcare facility.

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At the crux of Hope 4 Hurting Kids is to explain why divorce should matter to churches and to call churches to serve to minister to children suffering from the effects of the divorce of their parents and/or living in single parent families. At times, that means encouraging churches to start programs like Divorce Care 4 Kids or The Big “D” which are “support group” type programs targeted at children of divorce to help them deal with the impacts of the divorce and point them towards God as the ultimate source of healing. However, just starting a new program isn’t enough. Truly ministering to these children and students requires that those in our churches who work week in and week out with our kids must also be prepared and equipped to deal with the fallout from divorce.

As people who minister to children and students, we cannot afford to turn a blind eye to children of divorce and children from single parent families. Recent government studies show that only 60.3% of children live with their married biological or adoptive parents. That means that 40% of all children either live with cohabiting biological parents (3%), in single parent homes (27%), step families (6%), or without either biological parent (4%). There is some variation by race, but lest you think this issue does not affect your community or church, here is the breakdown by race of children living with other than their married biological parents:

All of that means that, on average, 2 of every 5 kids who come through your church doors every Sunday morning have either experienced the divorce of their parents or grown up in single-parent homes.

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In years past, when family life was in turmoil, the local community church was the place people went for comfort. When divorce became rampant in the seventies, many of those divorcing families quit attending church all together. The very place these hurting children needed the most (church) ended up being the first place they were pulled away from.

Community As A Place of Comfort

Today our families are deteriorating while churches largely ignore the problem. Research and reports tell us that up to 65% of all families in American are non-nuclear families. This includes single parent families, step families, etc. Communities have lost their ability to function as whole and viable places that protect their children and youth. Our children are at risk and no one knows what to do or how to help them. While those of us in the religious realm want it to be the church, sadly today the church is no longer the first place many people think of as the community safe place of comfort.

Hardwired to Connect

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Hope 4 Hurting Kids has an unofficial verse which guides most of our efforts in ministering to children of divorce, children from single parent families and those who minister to these kids. Before Hope 4 Hurting Kids ever formally existed, I had this verse printed on the back of business cards meant to make people familiar with the site. The verse is Psalm 34:18 which says,

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. [Psalm 34:18 ESV]

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For the past several weeks we’ve been discussing children of divorce who have challenging behaviors. Today I want to discuss reasons some of the children exhibit challenging behaviors. Many times it can be because of what we do to set them up to fail.

Things like attendance charts, bible memory drills, mother-daughter days or father-son events can cause the child of divorce to concentrate on their family problems. It can drive them away from the very thing that can help them heal, learning about Christ and our Heavenly Father. It’s not that churches can’t have these events, but it might take some special considerations to accommodate the child of divorce.

A Mother-Daughter Tea Disaster

When I owned a therapeutic child care, we had one elementary age girl whose behavior began to get out of control every year at springtime. She got agitated. She developed nervous tics. She was unkind and down right mean to other children. One year, as I was planning the Mother Daughter Tea to celebrate Mother’s Day, it dawned on me. Mother’s Day was tough for my little friend because her mother had deserted her at a very early age.

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As the adult it is imperative that you stay in control. Remember you are constantly modeling for the children in your groups and classes. Think about what you are modeling. When entering a confrontation are you remaining calm or are you exhibiting the very behaviors you’re trying to stop?

Limit your responses

Think about what to say before you approach the child. Tell the child you need time to think about what happened, buy yourself time. Use what I call “the peace maker form”. It’s a piece of paper with three columns on it. The child writes or draws what happened in the first column. In the second column they write or draw what they did. In the third column they put down what the other person did or how they reacted.

This gives the child time to calm down. Sometimes I address the situation at the time. Other times I might wait to address the issues. Sometimes you can address the situation and the child role play what happened or you might talk them through the scenario. Take your cues from the child and the situation.

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In this article, we present a hypothetical speech to a pastor or congregation about why your church should minister to children of divorce.  In this speech, we are pitching the Divorce Care 4 Kids [DC4K] ministry.

At Hope 4 Hurting Kids, one of our basic beliefs is that the church should be a place of support and healing for children of divorce, but what would you  say to the members of your church in an effort to get them behind a new ministry, and possibly even volunteer for a ministry, aimed at helping children of divorce to heal. The program envisioned in this speech is is Divorce Care 4 Kids (DC4K), but I believe the principles presented below can apply to any church pondering any sort of divorce support group for kids.

I have localized some of the statistics and information presented below for my church in central Ohio, but I have tried to include references to the appropriate sources so that you can customize the information if necessary for your church and geographic area. I have also included extensive footnotes regarding the statistics presented in this report as I find there is a significant amount of misinformation when it comes to this issue. Here is the text of the speech that came to my mind.

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He comes in with a haughty look on his face. His face says,

“Heh, heh, this is the day you will pay for my unhappiness!”

You smile and maintain your integrity. You say a quick prayer (always seek the Lord) as you approach this child. (“God give me wisdom and knowledge that I may lead this people…” 2 Chronicles 1:10a). You tell yourself you are safe. Your self-talk says you are in control and you will not lose it no matter what. You are prepared and feel confident in your ability to assist and teach this child and draw him closer to the Lord.

He doesn’t wait for you but skirts over to the side of the room. However, he keeps his eyes on you. What do you do at this point? You let him go. I would nod my head in his direction to let him know I saw him. I might mouth, “I see you” and wink as I say it. Then I go on about my business and leave him alone.

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How many of us have ever used post-it notes? Post-it notes are cool plus they serve a purpose. They stick and they stick to almost any substance. Most of us use them to temporarily call attention to something such as a page in a book or stuck on the fridge so the entire family can be constantly reminded of something in particular.

I use mine to mark songs in hymn books that I need to practice. When my kids were little I used them in their lunches to remind them they were loved. Sometimes nothing more than a happy face was drawn on it. I also used them to stick scriptures on the bathroom mirror or to remind them it was their dad’s weekend.

My preschool grandson loves post-it notes. I mean he really loves them. He will go through almost a complete package in one evening. He will draw on them, cut them up and stick them all over the house. Sometimes, he tries to write words on them and hand delivers the “mail” to his mother. His post-it drawings will stay in place for many days.

Recently I was thinking about some of the emotional ramifications divorce has on a child. Continue reading