As a single mom, Mother’s Day was always the most dreaded holiday. To me it was worse than Christmas, Valentines or any other day. It didn’t help that it seemed like almost every year when my children were young Mother’s Day came on the weekend they visited their father. So I would trudge to church, sit alone, and watch all the lovely families celebrate their mothers.

I remember one year I stood in the church parking lot and watched all the families come out of the church and shout to each other, “Hey we’re taking our mom out for lunch. Why don’t you guys grab your mom and come with us.” Or, “The kids and I are going to celebrate mother’s day for Peggy at the Golden Corral. Why don’t you bring Betty and the kids? Our families can celebrate together.” I swear pain stabbed my heart just as if a knife had been laid to it.

I wondered why when church and pastors recognized mothers they only acknowledged the moms in complete families. I know some single moms who won’t even attend church on Mother’s Day.

A friend of mine shared that one Mother’s Day the minister at their church had all the moms and dads stand. He asked the dads to bring the moms to the front of the church where he prayed for the moms and her kids. My friend said the single moms were seated all over the sanctuary. As she looked around, she said every single mom left standing alone was weeping.

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“Advice for Stepparents on Dealing With Stepkids” from HuffPost asked several “experts” in the field for their advice on how stepparents can “create a healthy, unhurried relationship with their stepkids.”

Divorce is hard on kids, and it takes time for children to adjust to the divorce of their parents.  The fact is, they may never fully adjust.  However, equally stressful to children of divorce can be when their parents begin to date and especially if they remarry.  Many stepparents have faced the battle of trying to relate to, and form a relationship with, their stepkids.

The article explains:

It’s a rare stepparent who hasn’t tried, in their own way, to win over their stepkids. Whether it was snapping up two Justin Bieber concert tickets or attempting to bond over hot wings during a stepsons-only guy’s night out, it’s hard to resist trying to fast-track a solid relationship.

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Single parents are hard working people. Basically they are doing the job of two people. This is especially true if there has been a death in the family or if there is no other parent on the scene. They could be parenting alone due to death, desertion or a never married situation.

Sometimes the other parent will live in another part of the country or they have no interest in staying connected to their child. Other single parents who are divorced share custody with the other parent. Even though they share custody, having the sole responsibility in your own home is still difficult.

Single Parent Day is March 21^st. This day doesn’t get as much attention as the regular Mother’s Day or Father’s Day and yet it is a very important day for many single parents.

According to Jennifer Wolf on About.com Single Parents this day is set aside for “honoring the single parent who is basically doing double duty” and “giving them some respect.” She says the idea for this day started back in 1984.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Your parents would not have gotten a divorce if their relationship had not been strained in the first place.  In addition, divorce is a hard and stressful time, and many parents come out of a divorce with even more bitter feelings towards one another.  They should understand and appreciate that the other parent is still your parent and still important to you, but sometimes they mess up, forget that or ignore that fact and say things they shouldn’t say either to you or in front of you.

When your parents say bad things about one another, there are a few different things you should try to make the situation better.

1. Remember that there are two sides to every story, and often when we tell stories or talk about other people we are biased by our emotions and circumstances. Make your own judgments about your parents based on your own knowledge and not based on second-hand stories or comments from one parent.
2. Talk to your parents about the situation.  Tell them that you understand they may be upset with your other parent but that you still love them both and won’t pick one over the other.  Let them know that it hurts you to hear them saying negative things about the other parent.  Try to do this in a respectful way, but make it clear that your parent’s actions are hurting you as well, and ask them to stop talking badly about the other parent.  Hopefully this will be enough to get them to stop bad mouthing your other parent.
3. If it is too difficult to have a conversation with your parent, write them a letter explaining the situation and asking them to stop.
4. If you communicate with your parents and they continue to bad mouth the other parent, make a point of removing yourself from the situation next time one parent starts to speak negatively about the other.  It is not healthy for you to continue to listen to it.
5. Remember that parents make mistakes too.  Try to forgive them even when they don’t ask for forgiveness.

Remember, no matter what one parent may say, you have the right to love both of your parents and have both of them in your life. Sometimes when one parent says something bad about the other, it is almost as if they are saying that thing about you. After all, you are one-half of each of your parents. Try not to take what your parents say personally, and remember that their words do not define who you are as a person or an individual. You are not defined by their choices or actions.

Helping Your Child Deal With Divorce is a tri-fold pamphlet we’ve designed for parents. If you are a divorced or divorcing parent who is looking for information on how to help your child, this pamphlet is for you. It is also designed for those who work with kids who might be asked by a parent how to help their child.

As explained in the pamphlet,

Divorce hurts. When there are children involved, it hurts even worse for you and for them. This pamphlet is designed to help you to help your child better understand what is going on, grieve the loss they have experienced, heal from the hurt caused by divorce and lay a groundwork to allow them to move forward with their lives and find hope and healing.

The pamphlet covers basic information like how to tell you child, helping your child to grieve, dealing with emotions and helping your child after the divorce. It also includes links, books and other resources that might be helpful. You can access a pdf version of the pamphlet by clicking the photo above or here.

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Welcome to part 4 of our 10 part series on child abuse and neglect. Today, we will be exploring the increased risks of child abuse and neglect for children of divorce, cohabiting households and single parent families. 

One of the portions of the NIS-4 report that struck us was the increased risk of abuse and neglect for children of divorce, children living in cohabiting relationships and children living in single parent families. Throughout this discussion of different charts and statistics below, you will note that one thing is absolutely consistent; the least risk of child maltreatment is for those children living with married biological parents. Let’s have a look.

This first chart looks at all instances of harm standard maltreatment as well as specific rates of abuse and neglect by family structure. By far, the largest risk of maltreatment to kids is when they are in a living situation with one parent and that parent’s cohabiting partner with 57.2 children per thousand in this living arrangement suffering maltreatment. That is 8.4 times higher than the rate for children living with married biological parents (6.8 per thousand). Cohabiting married parents and other married parents, such as step families, have the next lowest rates at 23.5 and 24.4 per thousand respectively. Children in single parent families are maltreated at a rate of 28.4 per thousand.

The rates for abuse follow a similar pattern with the exception of the fact that kids living in other married parents and cohabiting biological parent homes are more likely to be abused than those living in single parent families. Neglect follows the same pattern as all maltreatment except for the fact that kids in a home with cohabiting biological parents are slightly more likely to be neglected than those from homes classified as “other married parents.”

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A recent report which enumerated the risks associated with kids whose parents are cohabiting rather than married showed that one of the significant risks for children in those living arrangement was an increased chance of suffering abuse or neglect. In reviewing the statistics set forth in that report, it became evident that the risk of abuse and neglect is a very real risk for children in cohabiting households, children from single parent families and children of divorce. In this article, we will define child abuse and neglect, examine some of the statistics regarding the level of abuse and neglect for children in different living situations, list potential warning signs of abuse and neglect and discuss what to do in the event that you suspect a child is being abused.

Introduction to the Magnitude of Child Abuse and Neglect

We will get to much more detailed statistics on the prevalence of abuse and types of living arrangement which are more prone to abuse and neglect later in this article. However, I think it is important to have some grasp of the magnitude of the problem and why it should be important to anyone who works with kids on a regular basis. According to the January 2010 report entitled “Fourth National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect (NIS-4) from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (referred to herein as NIS-4), over 1.2 million children suffer harm from child abuse or neglect per year. That equates to 17.1 children per 1,000 or approximately 1 in every 58 children. When children who are endangered by abuse or neglect are added to those figures, the numbers rise to over 2.9 million kids or 39.5 per thousand. That equates to one in every 25 children. The reach and magnitude of abuse and neglect are as varied as the forms of abuse and the types of children who experience it.

In the article “When The Bough Breaks,” Martin Johnson wrote: Continue reading

H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

When parents get a divorce, there are a ton of changes that happen.  Sometimes one parent moves out and you visit them occasionally.  Sometimes both parents may need to move.  Sometimes you continue to see both of your parents regularly.  Sometimes you don’t.  In some divorces, the children even stay in the same house while the parents move in and out depending on who the custody agreement.  Every divorce is different.

Sometimes, children of divorce wonder if they even still belong to a family.  When you travel back and forth between two homes, it sometimes feels like you don’t fully belong in either place.  Are the people in one of those homes your family while the others are not?  Maybe it’s just you and your siblings and one parent.  Is that still a family?  Maybe you live with your grandparents or aunt and uncle since the divorce.  Are they part of your family?  Are your parents still part of your family?  Maybe your mom is remarried.  Are your stepdad and stepsiblings part of your family?  Maybe your Dad divorced your stepmom.  Is she still part of your family?  It can all get really confusing following a divorce.

It all comes down to one questions – What is a family? The fact is that, while living arrangements might change following a divorce, who makes up your family does not.  Your family still consists of your mother and father and siblings and grandparents and aunts and uncles and anybody else who was part of your family before the divorce – whether you still live in the same house or not.  The one change that you may experience, in time, is the addition of new family members.  If your parents get remarried or have additional children following a divorce, you will have new people in your family.  Sometimes that is hard to get used to, and sometimes it takes a while before those people feel like family.  That’s ok.

The important thing is that you not get caught up so much in what the definition of family is.  Instead, be grateful for the people in your life that love you!

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Many children of single parents end up in a situation where their parents start dating again and they don’t like the new boyfriend or girlfriend.  If there is a reason not to like them – like they make you feel uncomfortable or are physically or emotionally abusive, you need to tell someone about it.  However, if you just don’t like them and you don’t know exactly why, there are some things you should keep in mind to help you adjust to your parent’s new love interest and keep from damaging your own relationship with your parent:

1. Remember, your parent’s boyfriend/girlfriend is not your new parent.  They shouldn’t act like they are, and you shouldn’t expect them to fill that role.
2. Talk to your mom or dad about it, but make sure you do it in a respectful way. Explain that you don’t like the idea of them dating.  If it hasn’t been long since the divorce, explain that you need time to adjust to the divorce. Explain that you are trying, but that they need to understand that this hurts you. Don’t give ultimatums and don’t place blame. Just share your feelings.
3. Remember that you don’t have to like the person your parent dates. Unless that person makes you feel unsafe for some reason, you don’t have to like them. Don’t try to force yourself to feel a certain way, you can’t.
4. Try to start over. If there isn’t a reason not to like the new person in your parent’s life, go back and “redo.” Start over remembering that you are just working on forming a new friendship regardless of what your parent feels about this parent. Engage in idle chit-chat. Find things that you both like and talk about them (even it’s ice cream).  Without the pressure on either of you, you might find it easier to start a relationship and even form a friendship with this person if you just start over.
5. Guard your heart. Your parent might be in love, but that doesn’t mean this relationship will last. If you do put some effort into it and end up liking this person, guard your heart a little bit to avoid being overly vulnerable in the event the relationship ends.
6. Work on your relationship with your parent. Just because the two of you disagree doesn’t have to destroy the relationship. Find some common ground or work together to set up some ground rules that you both can live with.

You might also find something useful in the following previous questions answered here on I Am A Child of Divorce:

• How Can I Keep My Parents From Dating After a Divorce?
• What Do I Do When My Parents Start Dating Other People?

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It was a blustery, cold November day in Pennsylvania as I preached my Father’s funeral. Many Pastors have officiated the final service for their parents, but this was different. Standing at the cemetery that day were family members and friends that knew the real story.

You see, some 60 plus years before, a three-year-old little boy heard a door slam shut, and his Dad was gone. The resulting divorce created a single parent home, a kid growing up without a Dad, and all the resulting issues and hurts that come from it imbedded in a young heart. That divorce many years ago was still pretty much socially unacceptable, and the children of divorce often felt that resentment. Down deep in the heart that young boy began a life long struggle with feelings of rejection, abandonment, insecurity, a struggle to believe that he could be loved by anyone and a feeling that even God couldn’t love him.

The young boy’s mother was a strong Christ follower. She was a Registered Nurse, and she did everything she could to make a home and raise that boy to love the Lord. They moved in with Grandparents, and life went on. There was school and church every Sunday, but those nagging hurts deep in his heart never seemed to dissipate. No one really seemed to notice. Like many children of divorce, this young boy buried his difficult emotions deep inside. Most adults assume(d) that “kids will get over the divorce”, but the truth is quite the opposite. Heart damage is not something that heals overnight, and today there are thousands of adults who are still struggling from their fractured family.

Over the years, that young boy grew into a man himself. For all of those years though “Dad” was simply gone. There was never a birthday gift or even a card, no Christmas gift. He missed his Son’s baptism, High School Graduation, and even his wedding. He was indeed fatherless. The Son went on to college at Penn State and then heard the call of God for ministry. For the next 5 years he prepared for ministry, and eventually became a Pastor.

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