“Can you believe he didn’t even come to his own granddaughter’s graduation?”
With fire in her eyes my friend continued with,
“He didn’t even bother to call or send a card. What’s wrong with a man like that?”
Link
Click here to play Changeville.
Background
Changeville is an internet based game released in 2008 by the Justice Education Society of British Columbia, Canada. Changeville is an interactive, virtual world designed “to give children tools and information that will help diminish the fears and anxiety they may feel.” Some of the information contained within the game is targeted directly to residents of Canada (like contact information if kids need to talk to someone), but most of it applies to children from any country.
How it Works
Our very own Linda Ranson Jacobs has written a new series on how divorce affects children of all ages. Linda is now writing for the new blog from Divorce Care 4 Kids (DC4K). The good news for you is that you can now learn from Linda’s wisdom and insights more often than just on Friday here on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids, and we would encourage you to bookmark her blog.
One of Linda’s first series on the new blog highlights how divorce affects kids at every age and stage of development. This is a great resource for you and for members of your church and children’s ministry in terms of ministering to children from divorced or separated homes.
Here are the installments in that initial series:
“She wants you to do what?” The dad said after his son explained his mom wanted him to keep his iPhone with him when they went on vacation.
It seems as though the mom wants to keep in touch with his son when he is at his dad’s all summer. Summer months can become sticky and messy for both sides. And it can become extremely stressful for the child caught in the middle.
- Dad may want his time with his child and he may want it uninterrupted.
- Mom is worried about little things, and she wants to make sure her son is using his inhaler and taking his allergy medicine.
- The kid just wants to have fun and keep everyone happy.
There are a hundred different scenarios we could play out like the one above. Here are a few:
- Recently a single mom who was upset about something that had happened recently with her child contacted me. It seems as though the dad had taken the kids to a water park out-of-state. Mom was okay with the water park, but what she wasn’t okay with was the fact the dad left one of the kids standing alone for half an hour while he went to wait in line to go down the huge water slide. The young elementary age child was left completely alone while the older brother and dad enjoyed the water park. The little girl was petrified someone would kidnap her. The little girl didn’t feel like she could talk to the dad so she came home and told mom.
- Another young dad is concerned about his three preschoolers this summer when they visit their mom. How do you trust someone with your children that you no longer trust as a spouse? You hope and pray your kids will be safe but you wonder every minute they are gone if they are safe. You wonder if they are having a good time. This dad wonders if his little children miss him while they are at their mother’s.
- One summer my son went to live with his dad for the summer. In August when he came back home to live, he told me many days his dad took him to the local water park and left my twelve-year old son standing outside the gate waiting for the park to open an hour later. My son was at the water park for over 9 hours on hot summer days by himself. He said it was boring to be there alone all day. He didn’t want to tell me what was going on at the time because he wanted to live with his dad and didn’t want to disappoint his dad by coming back to our home.
- A single mom in my single parent class is very worried about her kids going to Europe for two weeks with their dad and his girlfriend. They are young kids and they will be going to several countries. She brought her concerns to our group and we are praying intensely for her children’s safety. She has purchased an iPhone and will get it set up so her son can check in with her periodically from overseas. Her children have not been away from her for two weeks. The girlfriend hasn’t exactly been reliable here in the states. Mom has reason to worry.
Who Is Raising Our Children?
We all know that our children are our next generation. Unless there is a conscious effort on the part of an adult, people will parent their own kids the way they were parented. Being parented doesn’t necessarily mean that a mother and/or father raised you. For generations, people like grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends have raised children. We have even had children being raised by people unknown to the child such as foster parents.
The Bible, as well as history books, are full of stories of children being raised by someone other than their birth parents. These people grew up and became parents and did fine for the most part. The differences in children being parented today are societal influences (computers, internet, video games, TV, etc.) and other entities that are raising our children especially children from single parent families. The significant other, or a cohabitating partner, is one example – a situation which, by the way, says, “I can’t commit to marriage but I will commit to letting you influence my child for several years.”
Who Is Influencing Our Children?
Children from single parent families spend the majority of their waking hours in group care. They either have parents that are attending school full time or parents that are working – some of these parents are working two or more jobs or going to school and working. One small study showed that school age children might very well be in child care 300 to 400 hours more per year than even in public school. When one counts summer, school vacations and holidays, early outs and parent teacher conference days the child will spend many more hours overall in the childcare facility.
At the crux of Hope 4 Hurting Kids is to explain why divorce should matter to churches and to call churches to serve to minister to children suffering from the effects of the divorce of their parents and/or living in single parent families. At times, that means encouraging churches to start programs like Divorce Care 4 Kids or The Big “D” which are “support group” type programs targeted at children of divorce to help them deal with the impacts of the divorce and point them towards God as the ultimate source of healing. However, just starting a new program isn’t enough. Truly ministering to these children and students requires that those in our churches who work week in and week out with our kids must also be prepared and equipped to deal with the fallout from divorce.
As people who minister to children and students, we cannot afford to turn a blind eye to children of divorce and children from single parent families. Recent government studies show that only 60.3% of children live with their married biological or adoptive parents. That means that 40% of all children either live with cohabiting biological parents (3%), in single parent homes (27%), step families (6%), or without either biological parent (4%). There is some variation by race, but lest you think this issue does not affect your community or church, here is the breakdown by race of children living with other than their married biological parents:
| Race | % |
| White | 34.93% |
| White, non-Hispanic | 31.12% |
| Black | 69.60% |
| Black, non-Hispanic | 70.56% |
| Asian | 60.07% |
| Hispanic | 43.64% |
All of that means that, on average, 2 of every 5 kids who come through your church doors every Sunday morning have either experienced the divorce of their parents or grown up in single-parent homes.
In years past, when family life was in turmoil, the local community church was the place people went for comfort. When divorce became rampant in the seventies, many of those divorcing families quit attending church all together. The very place these hurting children needed the most (church) ended up being the first place they were pulled away from.
Community As A Place of Comfort
Today our families are deteriorating while churches largely ignore the problem. Research and reports tell us that up to 65% of all families in American are non-nuclear families. This includes single parent families, step families, etc. Communities have lost their ability to function as whole and viable places that protect their children and youth. Our children are at risk and no one knows what to do or how to help them. While those of us in the religious realm want it to be the church, sadly today the church is no longer the first place many people think of as the community safe place of comfort.
Hardwired to Connect
Hope 4 Hurting Kids has an unofficial verse which guides most of our efforts in ministering to children of divorce, children from single parent families and those who minister to these kids. Before Hope 4 Hurting Kids ever formally existed, I had this verse printed on the back of business cards meant to make people familiar with the site. The verse is Psalm 34:18 which says,
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. [Psalm 34:18 ESV]
Grandparents are often caught in the tensions between parents when divorce takes place. Eager to help ease the situation, many grandparents are confused about how they can play a part in addressing the pain, confusion and other emotional issues that may be affecting their innocent Grandkids. Since every divorce is unique there are no cookie-cutter solutions that do the trick. But there are some guidelines to keep in mind, especially in regards to being there for your grandchildren.
If you haven’t been close to the kids beforehand, post-divorce is a difficult time to develop a relationship. But if you already have that bond established, it’s important to keep the on-going connection at this time when the children are facing so many unknowns.
When communication and trust are strong between you and your grandchildren it’s easier to bring up issues that concern you for a chat. Children who are comfortable in their relationship with you are more likely to confide their frustrations, fears and insecurities to you. Keep in mind that it’s always more effective to offer advice once they ask or bring the subject up. Then you can share your wisdom in an age-appropriate manner.
One important word of caution: If you are going to discuss issues regarding divorce or other life challenges, it is essential that you discuss this subject first with the children’s parents to get permission in advance!
For the past several weeks we’ve been discussing children of divorce who have challenging behaviors. Today I want to discuss reasons some of the children exhibit challenging behaviors. Many times it can be because of what we do to set them up to fail.
Things like attendance charts, bible memory drills, mother-daughter days or father-son events can cause the child of divorce to concentrate on their family problems. It can drive them away from the very thing that can help them heal, learning about Christ and our Heavenly Father. It’s not that churches can’t have these events, but it might take some special considerations to accommodate the child of divorce.
A Mother-Daughter Tea Disaster
When I owned a therapeutic child care, we had one elementary age girl whose behavior began to get out of control every year at springtime. She got agitated. She developed nervous tics. She was unkind and down right mean to other children. One year, as I was planning the Mother Daughter Tea to celebrate Mother’s Day, it dawned on me. Mother’s Day was tough for my little friend because her mother had deserted her at a very early age.