Most little kids like me. It’s always been that way. I’ve taught school, preschool, church classes, after school clubs, etc. and for the most part little kids like me. But do you know why they like me? It’s because I tell the kids to like me and because I treat them well. They know they matter.
For years I ran a therapeutic preschool and school age afterschool program. I had a teacher who worked for me and she couldn’t figure out why all the kids said I was their favorite teacher. Down through the years she taught early childhood classes, pre kindergarten classes, and kindergarten classes and in the summer she’d work with our school age children. Every so often I’d hear her ask, “Who is your favorite teacher” and their reply would be, “Miss Linda!” It got to be a big joke and even a fun competition. The kids loved being part of it.
As the years rolled by she repeatedly asked me what I did to make the kids like me so much. One summer day upon returning from a swimming excursion she met me at the door. She had her hands crossed over her chest and she was tapping her toe. She said,
“So I finally found out why all the kids think you are their favorite teacher! It’s because you tell them you are their favorite!”
Recently I had a middle school teacher ask me a question that proved to be fairly thought provoking. I wanted to share his question and my thoughts toward his question.
In order to minister to children of divorce, we have to understand them. Unfortunately, many people who minister to children hold some common misperceptions about children of divorce and their families. They might not realize the extent to which these children are hurting. Or they might not be able to relate as some kids deal with sadness and depression as they try to hide their feelings or other kids who act out because they simply don’t understand what is happening in their families. The following are five misconceptions about children of divorce and their families people have shared with me:
Nesting is a term often used by family courts, lawyers and divorcing parents. It means the parents continue to share a residence after the divorce for the sake of the children. The parents stay at the family home with the children when it is their scheduled visitation time. The other parent stays someplace else during that time. The thought behind this premise is that staying in the family home will make the transition from the intact family to the divorced family easier on the children. All I can say about this idea is the verdict is still out on whether this actually makes it easier on the children. It does appear to work for some people.
What is the difference in the two closely related words empathy and sympathy? Empathy is the ability to mutually experience the thoughts, emotions, and direct experience of others. It goes beyond sympathy, which is a feeling of care and understanding for the suffering of others.
Words can be powerful when they are used in the right context. Usage of kind words can motivate children. Unkind and cruel words can hurt children. Think of the child of divorce who comes from an abusive home. Maybe the child wasn’t abused, but the spouse was – or there was a lot of shouting and crying. The words the child heard, even if the child was asleep, can negatively affect them for the rest of their lives. You should not underestimate the power of words.
Why do we work with the many hurting children in our congregations? I have often thought about this issue. This really pricks my heart at holidays and special times of the year. I know most of us work with the hurting children because we love the Lord and we want to further the kingdom. But, what is the motivation year after year. I came up with the following devotional for children’s ministers with thoughts about why we do what we do.
We can learn a lot about adults in the lives of children of divorce when we look at the story of David fighting the Philistine, Goliath, in 1 Samuel 17:38-46. We pick up where King Saul tried to dress David in his adult clothes.
Many children of divorce appear to breeze through the divorce at the time the divorce happens. Many of these are little girls who identify with their mothers. They will hide their feelings and say and do the things they think the adults expect and want from them. However, the divorce experience remains alive – but as memories that they push to the back of their minds. Little boys tend to express their frustrations and tear through their feelings using sports and active behaviors. Their negative thoughts about the divorce of their parents appear to fade away.
Everyone knows about the tornado that hit Moore, OK this past week. You have all seen the many news articles, Internet stories and news people’s accounts.