Last week someone on Facebook asked the question:

Besides sharing information with both households… how would you like to see schools be more supportive of separated and divorced parents?

The local schools are, in many respects, far out in front of the church in terms of adjusting to and responding to the issues that face children of divorce, and the church would do well to learn from, and partner with schools in helping these kids. Here is how I responded to the inquiry about what schools can do. I think these are also ideas the church can embrace and use to minister more effectively to children of divorce:

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

This article from SafeTeen.org helps teens to understand how they might feel following the divorce of their parents and things they can do to help.  Although brief, this article provides a good overview and some sound suggestions.  The article explains:

Your parents are getting a divorce. Whether this is expected or unexpected, it is a traumatizing and overwhelming event to experience. Sometimes, teens and children feel like they somehow caused the divorce.

It offers the following advice to teens on how to make the divorce easier:

• Be fair to both parents
• Work it out
• Stay in touch
• Don’t worry about the future
• Keep living your life
• Focus on the positive

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Following the divorce or separation of your parents, your relationship with them may feel distant or strained.  It may be the case that you have been angry with them and have intentionally avoided them causing your relationship to suffer.  They might be busy with adjusting to a new life away from your other parent and not be spending time with you.  You may both be avoiding one another because you don’t know what to say, or maybe you’re afraid that you’ll hurt your parents’ feelings if you tell them what you’re really thinking.

Whether you admit it or not, most children instinctively desire to protect their parents.  No matter how wrong you might think they were to get divorced in the first place, you may be reluctant to share the emotions and troubles you have for fear of making things worse for them.

On the other hand, if your parents are divorced or separated, you are likely experiencing some emotions you have never felt before or never felt quite this intensely.  Many of the articles and resources on this site are designed to help you process those emotions and understand and deal with them better.

That said, you still need someone to talk to about your emotions.  Just the process of naming your emotions and talking about your struggles is an important first step in overcoming them.  The person you talk to may be a friend or a trusted adult, but sometimes the person you really need to talk to is your parent.  It may be scary or uncomfortable, but in the long-term you will both benefit from having the conversation.

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I often have the opportunity to speak with children’s workers who work with children of divorce. One of the biggest issues when it comes to ministering to these children has to do with discipline.

On one occasion, I was part of a children’s ministers’ small group meeting, and we were talking about summer camps. I mentioned that I thought it would be great if there were a class for children of divorce during a summer camp. One of the ladies said:

“Oh yeah?!? Who would want a class of all out of control kids? Because, you know those kids from divorced homes – they are going to be acting out all the time!”

WHAT! Don’t these kids deserve the Lord’s love and the opportunity to have summer camp experiences just like kids from intact families?

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When God first called me into this ministry, I have to say that it didn’t make any sense to me. I am not a child of divorce, not have I been divorced myself. Nonetheless, I began to research the impact of divorce on kids and resonate with much of what I was reading. That said, despite reading thousands upon thousands of pages of research, advice and pontification, it was only after I started to hear the first-hand accounts of children of divorce that I began to truly understand how permeating the effects of divorce are on a child. So, with great anticipation, and a sense of great responsibility, I am starting a new series here on Hope 4 Hurting Kids called “Divorce Through Their Eyes.” In this series, we will look at some firsthand accounts of children who have been there and can recount from their own experience how divorce affected their lives.

This first story comes from a young gentleman named Andy Campbell who tells the story of how the divorce of his parents impacted something as simple as a 10 year old’s baseball game. He writes poignantly about how his parents’ divorce affected him in very profound, and often times unseen, ways in an April 24, 2012 article titled Confessions Of A Divorce Kid: The Awkward Baseball Game:

It’s the bottom of the ninth. Full count, two outs and the bases are loaded. I could win the game with one accurate swing. The weight of the world is on my 10-year-old shoulders.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

If you ever wonder if it’s ok to love both of your parents after a divorce or separation, the answer to this question is simple:

YES

You absolutely have the right to love both of your parents no matter what happened in their relationship with one another.

Sometimes the fact that you love one parent might make things uncomfortable for the other parent, and other times you might feel like the fact that you love your Dad makes your Mom mad or vice-versa.  Unfortunately, you might be right. Especially when parents have gotten a divorce, one or both parents may harbor resentment and anger towards the other parent.  They might even try to influence you to feel the same way they do about your other parent.  What they are doing isn’t fair to you, but it is likely the result of the frustration and stress that they are feeling.  Unfortunately, parents are human beings too, and even parents make mistakes.

One fundamental right that every child from a divorced or separated home should have is the freedom to love both parents.  If you are in a situation where one parent is making that hard or uncomfortable, there are some things you can do to try to make the situation better: Continue reading

Last week, we looked at how we can help children of divorce to develop spiritual mannerisms by modeling such behavior for them. This week, I want to talk about some specific areas and things you can do to help children of divorce develop spiritual mannerisms and hopefully avoid the exodus from church which is so common after parents divorce.

Prayer

Ask children to pray for other members of the congregation. Getting the child outside their world by praying for others is one of these spiritual mannerisms we can teach. Model the act of praising God for small things. Share on a regular basis how God answers prayers. Share small parts of your life with the child. Build relationships with each child through the act of prayer. Praying with a child and for a child tells the child you care enough and they matter to you.

Andrew Root in his book, “The Children of Divorce” says that when children go through their parents divorce that their very being is shaken. They wonder if they are even real. When children take part and contribute it helps them feel real. It helps them connect to the family of God. It gives them purpose. It gives power and meaning to their being. Continue reading

The following video is set to the music of Blink 182’s song “Stay Together for the Kids” and accurately depicts the impacts of divorce on children. The video provides a picture of what children of divorce go through. In particular, this video highlights the pain children of divorce feel and makes a link between that pain a teenage suicide. There are some disturbing images (including a picture of someone with a gun to their head) in this video, but they reflect the very real pain that many children of divorce feel. The lyrics to this song are reflected below the video.

Here are the lyrics to this song.  As a parent, it may be easy to read the following lyrics and get defensive as the song is written from a child’s perspective who clearly blames his/her parents.  Instead, I encourage you to hear the pain reflected in the song.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

That is a fair question, and if you’ve gone to church and/or believe in God you may very well have asked yourself that question since your parents separated or got divorced.  Where was God?  Why didn’t He stop the divorce?  Why didn’t He answer my prayers?  Maybe you even blame your parents’ divorce on God?  Maybe you wonder how a loving God could let your family fall apart like it has.

In order to understand where God was when your parents divorced, you must first understand God’s view of divorce and His love for all people.

God Hates Divorce

The Bible is clear that God hates divorce.  He hates all sin, and divorce is a sin.  Divorce is one of many sins that God does not like, but sin is basically anything that God wants us to do that we don’t do and things He doesn’t want us to do that we do.  This sin separates us from God and can hurt us and/or the people around us which is one of the reasons God hates it.

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When I was a little girl my parents took my younger sister and I to a “fun house”. This house had a slanted floor with crooked walls, and it had distorted mirrors throughout the house. When we walked into the house I felt fairly normal. It felt a little strange to walk on a slanted floor. However, It wasn’t until I turned around and saw my sister standing there at an angle that I realized how un-normal I looked. When we saw our images in the distorted mirror, we both began to realize how strange we looked. Depending on how you moved, you might have a big or a little head, short or long legs or other weird looking body parts. The view of ourselves was distorted.

You might say that children of divorce have a distorted view of God and distorted images of spiritual issues. Like our images in the distorted mirrors at the fun house, things like praying, reading the Bible, and having a faith walk look strange to a child of divorce. That is, of course, unless someone has taken the time to model and discuss spiritual issues with them. Children of divorce may feel fairly normal until they see and compare themselves with other children at church, then they realize they are un-normal and strange looking in a Christian world.

Just like we teach children to say “please, thank you” and other terms of respect, we have to teach what I coin as “spiritual mannerisms” to children. When we teach manners we might start by modeling what we want the child to do. Next we might say, “What do you say when I give you a cookie?” In other words we consciously teach children about manners.

The same holds true for spiritual mannerisms. We bow our heads when we pray. We quote the Ten Commandments or say the Lord’s Prayer. We model a faith walk and quiet times. We teach respect for the church and for God. We display joy, kindness, love and forgiveness toward one another. Children will do and say what is modeled for them.

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