Empathy is a critical skill for kids to develop and one of the hallmarks of emotional healing as detailed in the Grand Feelings Exit Plan (Signs of Emotional Health). The Empathy Map is a great way to get kids thinking about and understanding empathy for others. It is adapted from a business setting where it is used to understand clients but works great with kids.
Welcome back as we continue our “Sunday Morning Strategies” series designed to help you to accommodate children from disrupted homes in your Sunday morning children’s ministry. This week we are looking at a simple thing that you can do that doesn’t require any additional volunteers or committee approval or an overhaul of the way you “do church.” This week we are looking at the difference between empathy and pity and why it is so important that you be able to empathize with the children from disrupted home in your ministry.
The first thing we need to understand is the difference between empathy and pity. Dictionary.com defines pity as:
“Sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering, distress, or misfortune of another.”
Pity expresses itself as “Oh, I’m so sorry for what you are going through,” or “Isn’t it terrible what it happening with little Suzy’s family.” Although it is often offered from a very heartfelt position, pity is the last thing a child of divorce or child from any other disrupted family situation needs or wants. They don’t want you to feel sorry for them. Instead of helping, pity strips the child of dignity and turns them into to someone to feel sorry for.
H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.
Many children report that they just can’t concentrate on school, or just don’t care, since they found out that their parents are getting a divorce. Many see a decrease in their grades and test scores, and some take years to “catch back up” if they ever do. If you find yourself in this situation, there are some steps you can take (or you can ask your parents to take) to help.
Find a trusted adult to talk to about your emotions and struggles related to the divorce. When you keep all of that bottled up inside, your brain tends to focus on it leaving little brain power for homework and school.
Fidget Spinners are all the rage, and now Fidget Spinner Emotions will let you use a fidget spinner to help kids better understand and deal with their emotions. With kids ranging from 10 into their upper teens, I have seen first hand how they are all drawn to fidget spinners, and truth-be-told, I have a collection of them myself (though I tell people it’s only because of my work with kids).
Welcome back to Sunday Morning Strategies, a series looking at ideas you can implement in your children’s ministry and church to be more accommodating to children from disrupted homes. In the last installment, we looked at some of the reasons it can be difficult to form relationships with kids from disrupted families. This week, we are looking at seven things you need to do in order to overcome the barriers and develop lasting relationships with children of divorce and children from separated homes.
In trying to develop a relationship with children of divorce, it is important that you are clear about exactly what your role is. You cannot, nor should you try to, replace a parent who has left and/or abandoned the child. You can be a friend, an advocate, a teacher, a role model, a confidant and so much more, but you will never replace that missing parents. It is important to accept that and establish those boundaries from the get go.
When dealing with hurting kids, it is natural to want to make the pain go away. Unfortunately, that is neither your role nor the best thing for the child of divorce. Dealing with pain is key to grieving process, and one of the worse things you can do is try to “happy up” the child of divorce. Continue reading
H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.
When your parents were married to each other, they may have talked about who you remind them of. Maybe you look like your father or sing like your mother. Maybe you’re more animated like your father or more analytical like your mother. Perhaps you’ve picked up some of the habits of your father or mother that remind your parents of what the other was like when they were younger.
After your parents divorce though, these qualities may take on a whole new meaning – one that is less positive and care free. Maybe your mannerisms remind your mother of your father or vice versa. If she hasn’t gotten past her anger towards him, your mannerism may begin to rub her the wrong way. Maybe you’ve heard something like:
“You’re irresponsible and inconsiderate of other people – just like your Father!”
It’s not fair of your mother to put you in that position, but then she isn’t acting like herself these days anyhow. What can you do when one parent is irritated by your actions or your appearance or your mannerisms just because they remind them of your other parent?
Many of the young people we work with here at Hope 4 Hurting Kids have experienced some sort of trauma in their lives. Whether we are dealing with the trauma itself or the side effects of it, it is important to understand what trauma really is and the impact it has on kids. This past week, I was listening to a podcast called the Trauma Informed Support podcast (www.tipbs.com) which included the most concise and clear definition I have heard. The podcast is directed towards teachers working with kids who have experienced a trauma, and I would expand the list of potential traumas included, but other than I think it is perfect for anyone working with young people. The name of the podcast is “What is Childhood Trauma?” Here is a transcript of the podcast which includes a link to the site.
“A traumatic event is an incident that causes physical, emotional, spiritual or psychological harm. The person experiencing the distressing event may feel threatened, anxious or frightened as a result. The term “childhood trauma” describes the problem of children’s exposure to multiple or prolonged traumatic events and the impact of this exposure on their development.
Typically complex trauma exposure involves the simultaneous or sequential occurrence of child maltreatment including psychological maltreatment, neglect, physical and sexual abuse and domestic violence that is chronic, begins in early childhood and occurs within the primary care giving system.
Experiences of elevated prolonged stress or trauma rock the very core of children and young people. In these circumstances, children are overwhelmed with the internal reactions that race through their brains and bodies. They do anything to survive, not because they want to but because they need to. They shut down their feelings. They push away memories of pain. They stop relying on relationships around them to protect them. They stop trusting and believing in others.
Welcome back as we continue our “Sunday Morning Strategies” series designed to help you to accommodate children of divorce and children from single parent homes in your Sunday morning children’s ministry. For the last several installments, we have looked at different strategies for dealing with parents from divorced homes. In the coming weeks, we are going to look at developing relationships with children of divorce. This week, we will examine some of the difficulties inherent in forming such relationships, and in the coming weeks we will look at some strategies you can employ to develop these relationships.
Relationships are key to any type of ministry. Ultimately, our goal is that the kids in our ministry will form a relationship with Jesus Christ. Toward that end, we endeavor to form relationships with these kids and to afford them opportunities to form relationships with one another. The relationships we develop with the children in our ministries allow us to speak into their lives and to model Christian living for them.
H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.
Next to your parents actually getting a divorce, the hardest thing you might face is when they start dating other people. It’s weird to see your father with someone other than your mother or your mother with anyone other than your father. And, it’s natural for you to not want your parents to date other people. Sometimes, it’s hard to get past the “weird factor” and accept this new phase of your parents’ lives. Hopefully your mom or dad has given you, and themselves, enough time to adjust to the divorce before they start dating. If not, have a conversation with them about how their dating makes you feel, and try to come up with some agreed guidelines for their dating. They are still your parent, but it’s important that they know how you feel about the situation too.
Part of the reason so many kids have trouble adjusting to their parents dating after divorce is because they still hold out hope that their parents will get back together. Although this doesn’t happen very often, and it is very unlikely that your parents will actually get back together, many children of divorce continue to cling to a sliver of hope that their parents might reunite. When parents start to see other people, even that small sliver of hope is dashed and that makes it hard for kids to accept.
Some kids don’t like the idea of their parents dating after a divorce because they are afraid that their parent will find someone they want to spend more time with and stop spending as much time with them. Maybe you are concerned that if your parents start dating they won’t be home at night or they’ll miss your dance recital or baseball game. Maybe you’re concerned that they won’t be home for dinner or to help you with your homework. If this is your concern, sit down and talk to your parents. Sometimes just talking about your concerns will help you to feel better, and it will let your parents know that this is something that concerns you.
Another thing that makes it hard for some kids to accept their parents dating is because they feel like they are being disloyal to the other parent when they like the person their parent is dating. If your father has a new girlfriend, you might feel like you are rejecting your mother if you accept her and try to get along with her. The fact is that no one can, or will, ever replace either of your parents. You may end up with “extra” adults in your life, but your mom will always be your mom and your dad will always be your dad. That doesn’t mean that you can’t accept the new people and their role in your life as well.
I’ll probably date myself with this one, but back when I was growing up, there was a popular song about the relationship between kids and parents called “Parents Just Don’t Understand.” Nowhere is this more evident than when talking about disrupted families.
One of the issues we face in making people aware of the impact of divorce on kids is the general disconnect between how parents and other adults view how their kids react to a family disruption and how the kids react. Until we begin to truly see divorce from the child’s point of view, we cannot be in a position to minister to them.
Recently, a British site called NetMums.com recently surveyed 1,000 parents and 100 children about the impact of family disruption and the perceptions of both parents and kids. Their conclusion was simple:
“Our new report reveals separating parents are in denial about the impact their divorce can have on their children.”