Children who make the following statements might be confused about whose authority they are supposed to follow. Another scenario is they might be trying to play one parent against the other. We call it playing the “but card.”
“But Dad wouldn’t do it that way.”
“But mom lets us have it.”
“But dad said if we didn’t want to go to bed early we don’t have to. He said so.”
Unfortunately children of divorce have a lot of questions to ask but many times they don’t know whom to ask. When they do ask, many are told lies or maybe not really lies but half-truths. Children need the truth not lies or made up stories.
I have always advocated that children be told the truth on their developmental level. Never should they be told sordid details about the other parent. Single parents need to protect the child and the other parent’s image. The other parent is just that – the child’s other parent. The child is not the one divorcing you or the other parent.
When parents are in the throws of divorce it is hard not to criticize the other parent to anyone who will listen. Children do not need to be listeners for their parents. What they need are simple and truthful answers to their questions, not a list of all the wrongs committed for the past many years.
Recently I’ve been reading the book, “Generation iY” by Tim Elmore (Poet Gardener Publishing). I highly recommend this book for anyone working with children and teens today. In this book he talks about the lies adults have been telling this generation. He gives a list of reasons why adults tell lies.
One time I was working with the cutest little single parent family. There were three children. Michael was the middle child in between two bossy sisters. One morning he was really grouchy. Nothing was right. His clothes bothered him. He didn’t like his breakfast. His paper kept moving around when he was trying to draw a picture. He was mad at both sisters and people were just getting in his way and bothering him.
After putting up with his tirades for most of the morning his big sister said,
“Michael what is wrong with you? You have been grouchy all morning. Did you get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning or something?”
Michael got a real thoughtful look on his face and in a few moments said, Continue reading
Many divorcing single parents seem to get stuck in dealing with finances, in relationships, in the past, in helping their children and in many other ways.
Have you ever thought about how to get those single parents unstuck? I just had a long conversation with a single mom who feels like she is stuck and can’t get unstuck. She has reached out to her church where she is a member. She has reached out to the church where she attended DivorceCare.
One of the Christian women said to her recently,
“I don’t understand why your financial situation hasn’t changed? What’s wrong with you?”
