Welcome back as we continue our “Sunday Morning Strategies” series designed to help you to accommodate children of divorce and children from single parent homes in your Sunday morning children’s ministry. Today, we start to tackle one of the most visible issues you will likely face in your ministry – discipline and the child of divorce.

• Children of divorce live in a world where they feel like they have no control over anything. Oftentimes, that leads to them acting out or lashing out in their behavior. They misbehave as a means of getting attention and as a way of exerting the little bit of control they do have left over their lives. You have likely seen these discipline problems in your ministry and dealt with these kids, yet you may never have realized that the root of these problems was in dealing with family disruption. In the coming weeks, we will look at specific things you can do and techniques you can use in terms of discipline and children of divorce, but before we do that, it’s important to step back and take a broader view of the issue of discipline and children of divorce.

What Is Discipline?

At its root, discipline has to be about discipleship. It’s right there in the root of the word. We when we talk about any discipline, whether for the child of divorce or otherwise, it is important to keep the goal in mind. The goal must be to disciple the child – to guide them and teach them to make right and God honoring choices. Discipleship, and therefore discipline, has to be about the heart of the child. As such, the ability to discipline boils down to relationship.

Relationships

In order to effectively discipline any child, you must first develop a relationship with them. This is particularly true of children of divorce who may be leery of relationships to begin with. In order to develop relationships with these kids, you have to know the family situations of the kids in your ministry and understand the issues they are facing and the circumstances they are living through.

Knowing What To Expect

You need to know what to expect when dealing with kids suffering through family disruption. Emotions like fear, anger, sadness, grief, guilt and many more are likely racing through the minds and hearts of these kids. These kids are facing emotions they may never have dealt with before.

When you find a child acting out in your classroom or Sunday school, you need to make the effort to figure out the emotion underlying the action. In little Johnny is being mean to the other kids or not listening to your adult leaders, he may be trying to exert some control where the rest of his life is totally out of his control. Rather than punish or give consequences, you might want to give little Johnny something constructive that he can control. By doing so, you are addressing the issue underlying the behavior rather than just dealing with the behavior.

You also need to be realistic. Many children of divorce and children from disrupted families live very chaotic lives, and they likely spend much of their time in a “fight or flight” kind of mode. These kids might not be capable of sitting still or memorizing scripture or discussing your lesson for the day. They are just trying to make it to the end of the day only to do it all over again tomorrow. You have to adjust your plan accordingly. Create a safe place for the child (something which takes time) so that they can come down from the “fight or flight” mentality and engage with you and the rest of the kids in the room.

Don’t Be Lax

We need to understand how family disruption affects kids, and we need to show grace wherever possible, but we can’t let kids “get away with it” just because of their life situation. In doing so, we are defining them by the choice(s) of their parent(s) – even if it is with the best of intentions. Be consistent and set boundaries that the kids are aware. Study after study shows that all kids, and particularly children from disrupted families, are happiest in, and thrive the most in, an environment with clear boundaries and structure. They want and need to be able to count on you to be in charge.

This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on February 11, 2014.

Welcome back as we continue our “Sunday Morning Strategies” series designed to help you to accommodate children of divorce and children from single parent homes in your Sunday morning children’s ministry. The world of a child of divorced or separated parents is marked by chaos. Chances are that your Sunday morning children’s ministry may also include just a touch of controlled chaos. When those two worlds meet, it is easy to lose track of kids.

So, what processes do you have in place to follow-up on kids who are no longer coming to your church? Do you know which kids have recently experienced a family transition so you can make sure to follow-up on them? Are you small group leaders equipped and empowered to follow-up on the kids in their group who stop coming to church? Statistics show that children from non-intact families are more likely than their counterparts from intact families to stop going to church following the family transition, and you need to have a means of makings sure that these kids do not fall through the cracks.

In our culture, it is no longer unusual for a child to miss a week or more of church each month. But, if I child stops coming altogether, it is critical that you follow-up with the child and with the family. This is especially important as children transfer between age groups and between small group leaders when it is especially easy for them to get “lost in the shuffle.”

Here are some steps you can take at your church to help make sure kids don’t fall through the cracks and you are following up on missing kids:

1. Have a person/people in your church who are specifically responsible for following up on kids who have missed church. If you are from a smaller church, that may be the children’s pastor. In a larger church, individual small group leaders or Sunday School teachers may be responsible for their kids.
2. Specify exactly what that follow-up will look like. Will you use e-mail, handwritten letters, or phone calls? Figure out what is going to work best for your church and make the resources available to whoever will be doing the follow-up. If you are going to have small group leaders send handwritten notes then provide them with stationary, addresses for the kids in their groups and stamps.
3. Train your volunteers on your policies for following up and the importance of following up.
4. Put a system in place to track kids as they more up from room to room or from group to group. Perhaps their new small group leader / Sunday school teacher can visit the kids who will be moving up to their group for a couple of weeks before the promotion.

As you consider the need to follow-up on the children who used to come to your ministry, consider the following quote from a young woman who grew up in a divorced home and is now 35 when asked what she would suggest to someone working with children of divorce:

“If the church youth group or Sunday school group leader had kept in touch for the months I was split between churches….that would have been great. Letters in the mail. Correspondence. Something to feel like I had a church leader and group that really was family and there for me even though I only came for so many months out of the year. It would have helped the back and forth.”

This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on December 02, 2013.

Welcome back as we continue our “Sunday Morning Strategies” series designed to help you to accommodate children from disrupted homes in your Sunday morning children’s ministry. This week we are looking at a simple thing that you can do that doesn’t require any additional volunteers or committee approval or an overhaul of the way you “do church.” This week we are looking at the difference between empathy and pity and why it is so important that you be able to empathize with the children from disrupted home in your ministry.

The first thing we need to understand is the difference between empathy and pity. Dictionary.com defines pity as:

“Sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering, distress, or misfortune of another.”

Pity expresses itself as “Oh, I’m so sorry for what you are going through,” or “Isn’t it terrible what it happening with little Suzy’s family.” Although it is often offered from a very heartfelt position, pity is the last thing a child of divorce or child from any other disrupted family situation needs or wants. They don’t want you to feel sorry for them. Instead of helping, pity strips the child of dignity and turns them into to someone to feel sorry for.

Instead, what a child needs in weathering the story of family transition is your empathy. Empathy is defined as:

“The intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.”

Put yourself in the shoes of the child you are dealing with. What would it be like for you if the family you grew up in no longer existed? What if you had to move and switch schools in the middle of losing your intact family? What if Christmas was no longer an enjoyable holiday but a stressful time where your focus was on trying to keep everyone happy? What if you had to travel back and forth between two different homes once or twice a week and never felt truly at home at either? How would you feel in their situation? If you can’t see the world through their eyes, you will never be able to relate to them. And, if you can’t relate to them, they are never going to open themselves up enough to you to form the type of relationship that will allow you to speak into their lives.

This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on November 27, 2013.

Welcome back to Sunday Morning Strategies, a series looking at ideas you can implement in your children’s ministry and church to be more accommodating to children from disrupted homes.  In the last installment, we looked at some of the reasons it can be difficult to form relationships with kids from disrupted families.  This week, we are looking at seven things you need to do in order to overcome the barriers and develop lasting relationships with children of divorce and children from separated homes.

1. Know Your Role

In trying to develop a relationship with children of divorce, it is important that you are clear about exactly what your role is. You cannot, nor should you try to, replace a parent who has left and/or abandoned the child. You can be a friend, an advocate, a teacher, a role model, a confidant and so much more, but you will never replace that missing parents. It is important to accept that and establish those boundaries from the get go.

When dealing with hurting kids, it is natural to want to make the pain go away. Unfortunately, that is neither your role nor the best thing for the child of divorce. Dealing with pain is key to grieving process, and one of the worse things you can do is try to “happy up” the child of divorce.

2. Be Patient

In working with children of divorce, you must be prepared to sign up for the long haul. The effects of divorce on kids have been shown to be long-term. The old adage that kids should recover from divorce couldn’t be further from the truth. Every child is different. And, every child will react differently to divorce. One thing is constant though – divorce hurts. Some kids will react negatively right away. Other kids will seem fine with everything and the effects of the divorce won’t be seen for months or even years.

As an adult working with a child of divorce, you should be prepared to answer the same questions and deal with the same issues over and over again. Don’t assume that just because you have helped a child of divorce deal with an issue once that you won’t have to go back and revisit the issue – maybe over and over again. You’ll also need patience to deal with the raw emotions exhibited by many children of divorce. Don’t be surprised if, from time to time, the intensity of those emotions are sometimes directed at you.

The other things that you will find unique about children of divorce, compared say to others kids you have known that have grieved the loss of a parent, is that children of divorce will pass through the grieving process multiple times as they age and as they find themselves dealing with different aspects of their parents’ divorce.

As an adult who desires to help a child deal with divorce, you have to be prepared to hang in for the long haul. You have to convince the child, through your actions and not your words, that you aren’t going anywhere and that you intend to be there for them for a while. Only by demonstrating that you intend to walk with them through their circumstances will they feel safe enough to break down the walls and let you in.

3. Know Your Kids

In order to develop a relationship with any child, you need to get to know them. They aren’t interested in generic conversations. They want to know that you know them and are interested in them. The child of divorce is no different. Get to know the child and his family. Ask questions and pay attention to the answers. If you have trouble retaining information, write it down. The more you get to know the child, the less likely you are to need to refer back to your notes, but they can be a critical tool in the beginning. Things as simple as understanding a child’s situation and not assuming that they share a last name with the person who brought them can help to open the door to a future relationship with the child that will allow you to speak into their life. The fact of the matter is, you won’t know about the children in your ministry if you are afraid to ask. Have a system in place to collect basic information about the kids and use conversation to find out the rest.

4. Develop Communication Skills

Relationships are built on communication, and never will your communication skills be tested as much as they will in forming relationships with children from disrupted homes. That means that you are going to need to take some time to hone your communication skills. The first step in becoming a better communicator is to learn how to be a better listener. Practice active listening. Employ techniques like repeating back what you have heard to make sure that the person who is talking knows that you are listening. So many times when these hurting kids cross our path they simply want someone who is willing to take the time to listen to them. Listening can be a gateway to a strong and lasting relationship with these kids.

Communication also takes time. In the hustle and bustle of a “normal” Sunday morning (is there such a thing?) it is easy to lose sight of the fact that God calls us to relationships not to programs and not to curricula. Make time on your Sunday mornings to engage in one-on-one conversations with these kids. Knowing that you are willing to talk to them in the midst of everything else going on will foster the types of relationships you are trying to build.

When it comes specifically to communicating with children from disrupted homes, there are a couple of things you will want to keep in mind:

1. Don’t initiate a conversation about the divorce or separation of a child’s parents in front of the child’s friends. Chances are they already feel like a bit of an outcast and your attempts to build a relationship may be seen as embarrassing or off-putting if done at the wrong time or place.
2. Don’t force the conversation. Allow kids to talk about things that might be bothering them in their own time and at their own pace.
3. Don’t ask painful questions. Your role is to provide a listening ear if the child chooses to speak to you about what is bothering them – not to force the issue.
4. Don’t try to “happy up” the child. For a child from a disrupted homes, dealing with the pain is critical to moving past it and moving on. If your goal is to help them cover up that pain with a happy façade you will hinder their long-term healing.

5. Foster a Relational Environment

If you are interested in forming the types of deep long-term relationships that will allow you to speak into the lives of these kids, you need to make relationship central to your ministry. Make sure that you value and celebrate relationships as a core value of your ministry. Four types of relationships should mark all ministry that you do:

1. The child’s relationship with God;
2. The child’s relationship with you and other leaders in your ministry;
3. The children’s relationships with one another; and
4. Intergenerational relationships with other adults in the church outside the child’s family and outside of your ministry.

6. Point Them to an Eternal Relationship

No matter how hard we work and how much we teach these kids and minister to them, there is only one relationship that can bring them ultimate hope and healing – a relationship with their Heavenly Father. We must work with a sense of urgency in our children’s ministries to point children to Jesus Christ. We must faithfully present them with the gospel of our Lord and Savior and live it out in front of them. When they fall away from the church, we must ensure that we have done all we can do in every moment we have with them to point them to the one relationship that will never fail them and never let them down.

7. Follow Up

It is not enough to just form a relationship. Especially with children from disrupted families who are statistically more likely to fall away from church, we need to make sure that we have a system in place to follow-up on those kids who don’t come back to our churches. Whether it is small group leaders, or the children’s pastor or a specially designated person in your ministry, make sure that somebody is following up with every single child who stops coming to your ministry. This is particularly important as children move from one age group to another as this is a prime time to lose track of kids who have fallen away from the church or stopped coming because their parents don’t bring them anymore.

Building relationships takes time. Building relationships with children from disrupted homes requires even more time, more persistence and more tenacity. Take the steps in your life and your ministry to allow yourself the margin to build relationships with these kids. In the end, you will both benefit from those relationships.

This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on November 18, 2013.

Welcome back as we continue our “Sunday Morning Strategies” series designed to help you to accommodate children of divorce and children from single parent homes in your Sunday morning children’s ministry. For the last several installments, we have looked at different strategies for dealing with parents from divorced homes. In the coming weeks, we are going to look at developing relationships with children of divorce.  This week, we will examine some of the difficulties inherent in forming such relationships, and in the coming weeks we will look at some strategies you can employ to develop these relationships.

The Importance of Relationships

Relationships are key to any type of ministry. Ultimately, our goal is that the kids in our ministry will form a relationship with Jesus Christ. Toward that end, we endeavor to form relationships with these kids and to afford them opportunities to form relationships with one another. The relationships we develop with the children in our ministries allow us to speak into their lives and to model Christian living for them.

The Difficulty of Forming Relationships With Children of Divorce

As children’s ministers, we are used to forming relationships with kids. For many of us, it just comes naturally and that’s one of the things that drew us to children’s ministry in the first place. We just have a knack for getting along with kids and knowing the right time to say the right thing. We’ve dealt with the crying child who doesn’t want mom or dad to drop them off for children’s church. But, forming a relationship with a child of divorce is different, and oftentimes much more difficult. In this article, we will look at why relationships with children of divorce are different than other relationships and what you can do to begin the process of nourishing those relationships.

When it comes to children from divorced or separated homes, you are likely to find that forming a relationship with them is harder than you’re used to. This can be for various reasons:

Trust Issues. Children of divorce are likely to have trust issues. After all, the two people they have trusted the most in their life (mom and dad) have violated their trust in breaking apart the only family they have ever known. You have likely never done anything to violate their trust, but you will be forced to overcome their trust issues if you want to build a relationship.

Anticipated Let Down. Children from divorced or separated homes assume that adults will let them down Perhaps it is a result of underlying trust issues. Maybe it is because of the pattern that the adults in their lives have modeled for them. Whatever the cause, you can assume that when you start to build a relationship with these kids that they will assume that you will let them down eventually too.

Guarded Emotions. One of the biggest problems faced by many children of divorce is the inability to express their emotions. Sometimes they don’t even recognize the emotions that they are feelings. Often times, this results in children of divorce who are guarded in the emotions that they are willing to express. After all, they surmise, “if I don’t share my emotions, I can’t be hurt.”

Deep thinkers. Children of divorce face deep questions about their lives and their faith. Many times they aren’t interested in many of the more fun-loving or frivolous things that many kids engage in. This can make building a relationship with them even more difficult.

Jaded/Cynical. These kids have been dealt a rough hand early in life, and many times it leaves them a bit jaded and cynical about life in general. Breaking through those walls can be a significant barrier to forming a relationship.

But, just because forming relationships with children of divorce poses some unique challenges doesn’t mean that it’s impossible. With enough planning and by being strategic, you can form relationships with children of divorce that will allow you to speak into their lives and help them through this time in their lives.  Come back next week for some specific ideas.

This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on September 30, 2013.

Welcome back as we continue our “Sunday Morning Strategies” series designed to help you to accommodate children of divorce and children from single parent homes in your Sunday morning children’s ministry. Two weeks ago we started a series on issues related to dealing with parents and we identified three different types of divorced parents you are likely to deal with:

• The Warring Parents
• The Absent Parents
• The Other Parent

This week we conclude our series by looking at the Other Parent.

3. The Other Parent

Divorce often leads to both parents eventually leaving the church, but for many (I would guess the majority) of those who attend church at the time of the divorce, it likely leads to a situation where one parent continues coming to the church (at least for a time) and one parent who does not. Additionally, as new parents with children join your church, you will have kids who are at your church every-other-weekend for whom you will likely have no regular contact with the “Other Parent.”

In these cases, it is essential that you find ways to get the other parent involved if at all possible. If our goal as children ministry workers is to teach children about God and equip parents to disciple their children, then we fail at our mission when we fail to engage one of the child’s parents simply because they do not attend our church. Yes, it is more difficult, but it is not impossible to engage the other parent. Here are some ideas.

• Talk to the parent who does bring the child to church and gather information about the other parent. Explain to the parent that does attend your church that your main objective is the spiritual nurture of the child and ask for their help by giving you the information to work with the other parent. At the same time, encourage the parent who does attend to keep the other parent informed about what the child is doing at church the same way they might keep them informed about school activities. Especially where the divorce is more “civil” this might be the most effective way of getting the other parent involved.
• In cases where the parents do not get along or are adverse to dealing with one another, you can reach out to the other parent. You should let the parent who brings the child to church know that you intend to contact the other parents and ensure that there are no legal reasons not to (restraining orders, etc), but make a point to reach out. Let the other parent know that you are the children’s pastor, children’s ministry directory, a child’s small group leader, or whatever the situation may be. Explain that you want to set up a system that works for them to keep them up to date on what their child is doing at church and their spiritual development.
• After you’ve reached out to the absent parent, take the time to get to know them. Never lose sight of the fact that your primary role is as an advocate for the child, but trying to get to know both of their parents can only help you to minister to the kids more effectively.
• Provide multiple copies of take home pages and crafts for children with parents who are no longer together. Consider mailing, or e-mailing, a copy of any take home papers, newsletters, etc. to parents who don’t attend your church. For special events (like Christmas programs, VBS parent nights, etc.), go out of your way to make sure that both parents are invited. One word of advice – make sure you have a plan for when both parents DO show up. Tensions may still be high, and you’ll want to take steps to make sure those tensions don’t ruin the event for the kids. You’ll also want to make sure that you have specially designated volunteers whose job it will be to make parents who don’t generally attend your church feel welcome. The last thing you want is these parents to show up and feel like outsiders.
• If you have made contact with the absent parent, and that parent is attending church somewhere else with the child (perhaps on alternating weekends), reach out to the other church to discuss a joint plan for the spiritual nurture of the child.
• Consider special programs, single-parent seminars and other events specifically geared to establishing a connection with the other parent.

Dealing with parents is one of the greatest difficulties and greatest pleasures of working in children’s ministry. Week in and week out, we are afforded the privileged of partnering with parents in the spiritual nurturing of their kids. We spend time figuring out how to connect with parents, how to help parents and how to come alongside side them and work with them. When it comes to families fractured by separation or divorce…when it comes to single-parent families….when it comes to all types of modern families, we are presented with unique challenges when it comes to dealing with parents. In today’s day and age where divorce and single-parent families abound, you need to make sure that you are prepared to deal with the various types of parents that might cross your path.

This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on September 16, 2013.

Welcome back as we continue our “Sunday Morning Strategies” series designed to help you to accommodate children of divorce and children from single parent homes in your Sunday morning children’s ministry. Last week we started a series on issues related to dealing with parents and we identified three different types of divorced parents you are likely to deal with:

• The Warring Parents
• The Absent Parents
• The Other Parent

This week we continue our series by looking at the Absent Parents.

2. The Absent Parent

Even worse than warring parents can be absent parents following a divorce. Divorce is commonly a precursor to adults leaving the church. Whether they are just too busy dealing with the issues related to the divorce or they feel condemned by the congregation or out-of-place, far too many people run from the church following a divorce. If a couple was attending your church as a family prior to the divorce, it is likely that you will lose at least one of the parents and quite possible that both will leave the church. We find that many children of divorce try to continue going to church following the divorce of their parents. Eventually though, without your intervention, they too will stop when their parents refuse to drive them or they begin to feel left out of the rest of congregational life.

As the children’s pastor or children’s ministry director, you are likely to end up with “Children’s Ministry Orphans” – kids coming to your church without their parents. As a church, you have to proactive in engaging these kids in the life of the church and ensuring that they will have the desire and the opportunity to return.

When you start to think about the events and activities at your church, ask yourself some key questions:

• Would a child without parents who attend this church feel comfortable coming to this event?
• Would parents who don’t attend our church feel comfortable letting their child come to this event?
• How can we make sure that kids who do want to come to this even have a means of getting there and getting home?
• What sort of adult supervision is required for kids who come without their parents, and are you equipped to offer that type of supervision?
• Do we have any events or activities just for kids/teens, so these kids will not feel somehow singled out for being there without parents?
• How can we work through friends and other relatives to reach these kids?
• Are we following up on the kids we already have to make sure that they are not falling through the cracks because their parents have left the church?
• Is there someone in our church who has a strong enough relationship with these kids that they can talk to them and minister to them in an organic way?

There are specific things that you can do to tackle some of the issues these children of absent parents have in getting to church and building relationships at church. Bus ministries have long been an effective form of outreach, particularly in troubled neighborhoods. In this type of ministry, the church bus is available to pick up any child in the area who does not have another means to get to church and bring them to the church for Sunday service, Wednesday night activities, Vacation Bible School or whatever else is going on. Perhaps more churches, and particularly suburban churches where people might not expect a bus ministry, should begin looking into offering this type of service. Perhaps you can recruit families in your church to serve as transportation volunteers. If you find out that a child wants to get to church but doesn’t have a way, these pre-approved screened volunteers/families would be available and willing to go pick them up. After all, they’re already coming to church anyhow. If there is an extra seat in the mini-van, why not fill it?

Getting kids to church who don’t have transportation is half the battle. Getting them to feel like this is their church home and they are a key part of the congregation is the other. Too often, we treat all kids as if they are not really part of the congregation or church but just some sort of extension of their parents who are part of the church. So, we offer children’s ministry services, not to serve kids but to serve parents in helping them to disciple their kids. Ask yourself, does our church serve kids because they are made in the image of God and we are called to serve one another, or do we serve kids because by doing so we are serving their parents? Unfortunately, I believe it is often the latter which leaves kids feeling as though they are not “true” members of the church. When children continue to come to our church, they may eventually feel like full-fledged members, but for children of divorce, this idea of belonging by associate with adults fall by the wayside and they eventually end up feeling like outsiders in the very place where they should feel most welcome. The onus is on us then to find ways to make these kids part of the congregation both before and after their parents’ divorce.

This means:

• Finding ways for kids and teens to engage in intergenerational worship and Bible study. Not only will the kids learn from the adults, and vice versa, they will form bonds through their mutual relationship with Christ.
• Families “adopting” kids who may not come with their parents. This adopted church family can keep an eye on the spiritual development of the child and provide practical help like transportation and someone to talk to.
• A system for kids who don’t have the opportunity to go home and review your take home card with mom and dad or do weekly devotionals at the dinner table. The home may be God’s primary vessel for discipleship, but what are you doing for the kids who are not being discipled there?
• Treating kids like members of the church in their own right. This can be scary for adults because it means allowing children to **gasp** have a voice in the life of the church. I’m not suggesting you let the six-year-olds plan your next building fund, but let’s start teaching them what it is like to be a member of Christ’s church.
• Offering services to kids and teens. Set up a Divorce Care 4 Kids or The Big D for teens class in your church. Those curricula essentially create a small group of hurting kids and caring facilitators who learn from one another and learn to rely on one another. If that is not the definition of fellowship, I’m not sure what is.

Come back next week when we will complete our series on dealing with parents by looking at the “Other Parent.”

This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on September 09, 2013.

Welcome back as we continue our “Sunday Morning Strategies” series designed to help you to accommodate children of divorce and children from single parent homes in your Sunday morning children’s ministry. Last week we looked at specific legal issues you need to be aware of when it comes to divorce. Over the course of the next few weeks, we are going to look at parent issues that you need to be prepared to deal with if the kids in your ministry have parents who are separated or divorced.

In a more traditional children’s ministry setting, our interactions with parents are generally driven by the idea of equipping them to disciple their own children on a daily basis. The ultimate goal with divorced or separated parents, but the methods sometimes need to be a little different. In this series, we will look at three different “types” of divorced parents that you are likely to deal with in your ministry and how you as a children’s pastor and a church need to address them.

• The Warring Parents
• The Absent Parents
• The Other Parent

1. The Warring Parents

Warring parents are engaged in a no-holds-barred winner take all battle against one another and can be blind to the casualties along the way. They’ve both decided that they’re not giving in, and they don’t care about the consequences. The “church” has become a hallowed battle ground, and neither is going to give the other the satisfaction of retaining “my church.” They would rather both come each Sunday morning and glare at one another from across the room while the preacher talks about forgiveness and grace. In this circumstance, you are likely to find yourself in one of two positions: either caught in the cross-fire or recruited to join one side or another.

In a battle of jilted ex-partners, there are bound to be innocent casualties, and you and/or your church can find yourself in the crosshairs. Unfortunately, otherwise responsible parents sometimes throw common sense to the wind and use their children as pawns – particularly in a nasty divorce situation. As someone entrusted weekly (or more often) with the care of those children, you can find yourself in situations ranging from uncomfortable to downright confrontational. The key to dealing with these types of parents is to remember that they are hurting as well. You might not care for how they are expressing that anger, but we are called by Christ to turn the other cheek. Let the personal stuff go, and set your heart on ministering to the family and the kids. There is nothing to be gained by entering the war other than some nasty battle scars.

Divorced parents, and particularly parents who are newly separated or going through a divorce, look to “rally the troops” and find people to “be on their side.” These parents are adverse to one another, but it might not be all out war (at least not against you). In other words, they are just interested in gathering together a colossal support group to remind them that they did nothing wrong and their ex is a bad person who only ever took advantage of their kind nature anyhow. Don’t play into those games. Never – ever – criticize the “other” parent. You are on the side of the kids in this messy situation, and they need to feel free to love and admire both of their parents. When you, as someone they look up to, start to take sides it makes it harder on the children you are trying to protect.

Come back next week as we discuss “The Absent Parents”

This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on September 03, 2013.

Welcome back as we continue our “Sunday Morning Strategies” series designed to help you to accommodate children of divorce and children from single parent homes in your Sunday morning children’s ministry. In this installment we are going to explore some of the legal issues related to a divorce or separation that you need to be aware of in terms of your children’s ministry and the safety of the children left in your care. This advice is given from the perspective of a children’s ministry worker and should not be construed as legal advice. You should check with your attorney or insurance carrier for specific advice or requirements for your church.

Custody Issues

The biggest legal concern you should have as someone entrusted by at least one parent with the care of their child(ren) is any custody issue that may arise out of the divorce or current requirements related to the child. The last thing you want to do is to be responsible for releasing a child to a parent who is not supposed to have custody of the child for some reason or another. Even if that parent is a member of your congregation, you have a responsibility to adhere to any court ordered or agreed visitation and custody schedule.

Make sure that you have a plan in place for who can pick up all of the children in your ministry, but this is particularly important in the case of a contentious custody battle. In our Divorce Ministry classes, we ask parents to let us know if someone other than they will be picking up the child, and we still require photo ID before we will release the child. I explain to all of the parents in orientation that I would rather annoy a grandma and grandpa than do anything to endanger the welfare of their child(ren). We also ask specifically if there is anyone who is not allowed to pick up the child. All volunteers should be made aware of this situation in order to avoid releasing the child to the “wrong” parent.

You should also give some thought to your procedure for allowing people to pick up children without the proper pickup tag (or whatever system you use in your church). In one church I served in, our procedure for a missing tag was to ask the child who the person was that was picking them up. This worked well to ensure it was not a stranger picking up the child, but it would be insufficient in the case of estranged parents battling over custody. In that case, a child may be ecstatic to see a non-custodial parent who the court has ordered, for one reason or another, to have limited visitation.

My suggestion would be that you regularly have parents update the list of approved people allowed to pick up the kids from church (as well as people who specifically may not pick up the kids) and let them know that they need to let you know about any changes in that list as soon as possible. If you become aware of a situation where parents’ are splitting up, talk to the parent who drops the child off. Make sure you are discreet (you don’t want to start rumors), but explain that you understand there may be some issues in the marriage. Explain that you want to let them know that you are there for them and their children and ask specifically if there is anything you need to be aware of regarding custody issues and who can pick the children up from church. It won’t be a comfortable conversation, but it will help to ensure that children are where they are supposed to be and with the people they are supposed to be with.

Child Protective Services Investigations/Restraining Orders

Unfortunately, divorce proceedings may be associated with a CPS Investigation or a Restraining Order where one parent has accused another parent of something. Oftentimes, this is used as a tactic by one parent to gain leverage (which is a whole separate issue), but sometimes these investigations and allegations are legitimate as people will do and say things in the context of a divorce that they might not otherwise do or say. Regardless of how you view the circumstances, as someone entrusted with the care of a child, it is your job to know about the existence of these situations, adhere to any restrictions and report anything you might know.

Being an Advocate

In divorce cases (particularly contentious divorce cases), both parties generally try to “rally the troops” and gather people who will support them in their “side of the story.” Aside from the fact that the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle, you want to make sure that you are not seen as taking side. Your role should be as an advocate for the child(ren). Chances are no one else is looking out for the children, and you can fill that gap. It is not your role to, nor should you, advocate for one parent over the other. Children deserve to be able to love both of their parents and as someone they trust and look up to, you can (and should) be the one who models that for them. Let parents know that, while you are available to help them, your main goal is to protect and advocate for their children.

Confidentiality

Confidentiality is key in dealing with children of divorce. Unless there is a situation involving abuse or neglect, children need to know that they can count on you keeping their story confidential. Avoid the word “secret” as it has some negative connotations, but assure a child that unless you feel like what they have told you indicates they or someone else is in danger, you will keep what they tell you confidential. It is hard for kids to trust adults after their parents have separated or divorced. Your assurance of (and following through on) confidentiality in regards to what they tell you will give them the freedom to open up and share.

It is also important that you not engage in or condone general gossiping about the divorce in church. Unfortunately, stories tend to travel quickly through a congregation, and kids oftentimes end up being judged by their parents’ behavior. As an advocate for the kids, we should do our part to be discreet and not add to an already stressful situation for the kids in our ministry.

Keeping Key Documents

It is important that you keep records about the families and kids in your ministry so that you, and your volunteers, can refer back to them when necessary. Collect detailed information in the registration process about the structure of families and different relationships within the family. Leave space on the registration form for any additional information that the family feels like you, as the leader of the children’s ministry, needs to know to effectively minister to their kid(s). Follow up regularly with re-registration and have families update that information so that your records are current.

Honoring the Legal Process

You may not agree with how divorce cases unfold or the decisions issued by a court. However, we are called to honor the decisions of those put in authority over us. That includes the courts. Make sure that you and your church are doing everything you can to honor the legal process even where you may disagree with it. Absent the threat of immediate danger to the child, make sure you not circumventing the process or the rulings of the court. That means that no matter how much of a jerk you might think Dad is, if the court decided dad get to pick up little Johnny from church every Sunday morning, honor that decision.

Divorce breaks a family apart and sets children on a brand new life course. As a church, divorced parents with kids in your ministry will raise a host of issues for you. Keeping track of custody issues, understanding family arrangement and other issues will require that you have a system in place. It is important that you take the time to set up these systems whether you have 1,000 kids in your ministry, 100 kids or 10.

This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on August 26, 2013.

Welcome back to our series of “Sunday Morning Strategies” for accommodating children of divorce and children from single parent homes in your Sunday morning children’s ministry or church service. The goal of this series is to equip you to better minister to the children in your church who come to you from non-traditional family structures. In a prior installment, we addressed the need to train volunteers to minister to children from divorced and single-parent homes and some strategies for undertaking that training.

However, just training the volunteers you already have may not be enough. You should also consider “targeted recruiting” to specifically find and recruit volunteers who will be able to relate to, and empathize with, children from divorced, separated and single-parent homes. By having some of these specialized volunteers spread throughout your ministry, you can help to ensure that a hurting a child has someone who can relate to them in their time of greatest need. These volunteers will bring a needed skill set and benefits to your ministry including:

• A unique ability to understand and appreciate the circumstances children of divorced and separated parents are experiencing.
• A sounding board for kids who are convinced that no one really knows that they are going through or cares.
• An innate ability to recognize when the underlying issue that is bothering a child has to do with their parents’ divorce or separation. Adults who experienced divorce as a child seem to have this sixth sense when it comes to understanding children who are currently going through it.

While it is possible to train your existing volunteers in these areas, finding people who already possess these gifts will help both you and the kids in your ministry. Here are some prime candidates who will bring a new perspective to your ministry and the ability to minister to children of divorce and children from single-parent homes:

• Adults who went through the divorce of their parents as a child are great candidates. These adults need to be emotionally and spiritually mature in order to be equipped to deal with kids going through their own parents’ divorce. The conversations these volunteers have with kids about their own situations are likely to open up old wounds if not adequately filled, but if they are in a position to help these kids, that shared experience is a great jumping off point for building a relationship.
• Single parents who have adequately recovered from their own divorce. These people are in a unique position to deal with kids from divorced/separated homes. As with adult children of divorce, it is imperative that these adults be at a place of forgiveness and responsibility in their own divorces. Otherwise, they will be perceived as just another adult who doesn’t really understand what kids go through in a divorce.
• Teachers are a great source of comfort and information. Most teachers have dealt with the issue of divorce in their classrooms and can bring a fresh perspective to your ministry.
• Leaders of other ministries to children of divorce or divorced adults. While these people will likely have to adjust to your children’s ministry, they will bring with them a wealth of information and understanding when it comes to dealing with issues related to divorce and the things children experience when their parents divorce or separate.
• Grandparents whose own children have gotten a divorce. Grandparents are often cited by children of divorce as a source of comforting and stability in a tumultuous time. Grandparents who have helped their own grandkids deal with issues related to divorce are uniquely positioned to help the kids in your ministry too.
• Counselors and pastors with a gift for counseling. There are issues related to children of divorce which will be beyond your ability to deal with on a Sunday morning. If you are lucky enough to have a trained and gifted counselor on your staff or in your congregation, they should be high on your targeted list for potential children’s ministry volunteers.

Unlike a specialized divorce ministry, you are not likely to specifically address the issues related to divorce in your children’s ministry (though we will talk a little later in this series about understanding how children of divorce view certain bible stories differently). However, you will have these hurting kids in your ministry, and having specific volunteers in your ministry who are equipped to talk to these kids and build relationships with them will help in their healing process and help you to understand how best to minister to them. Take some time today to think about who in your church would be a good candidate for your targeted recruitment list. Who can be your go-to person/group of people when it comes to the kids in your ministry who are hurting because of divorce or separation?

This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on August 19, 2013.