H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Many children of single parents end up in a situation where their parents start dating again and they don’t like the new boyfriend or girlfriend.  If there is a reason not to like them – like they make you feel uncomfortable or are physically or emotionally abusive, you need to tell someone about it.  However, if you just don’t like them and you don’t know exactly why, there are some things you should keep in mind to help you adjust to your parent’s new love interest and keep from damaging your own relationship with your parent:

1. Remember, your parent’s boyfriend/girlfriend is not your new parent.  They shouldn’t act like they are, and you shouldn’t expect them to fill that role.
2. Talk to your mom or dad about it, but make sure you do it in a respectful way. Explain that you don’t like the idea of them dating.  If it hasn’t been long since the divorce, explain that you need time to adjust to the divorce. Explain that you are trying, but that they need to understand that this hurts you. Don’t give ultimatums and don’t place blame. Just share your feelings.
3. Remember that you don’t have to like the person your parent dates. Unless that person makes you feel unsafe for some reason, you don’t have to like them. Don’t try to force yourself to feel a certain way, you can’t.
4. Try to start over. If there isn’t a reason not to like the new person in your parent’s life, go back and “redo.” Start over remembering that you are just working on forming a new friendship regardless of what your parent feels about this parent. Engage in idle chit-chat. Find things that you both like and talk about them (even it’s ice cream).  Without the pressure on either of you, you might find it easier to start a relationship and even form a friendship with this person if you just start over.
5. Guard your heart. Your parent might be in love, but that doesn’t mean this relationship will last. If you do put some effort into it and end up liking this person, guard your heart a little bit to avoid being overly vulnerable in the event the relationship ends.
6. Work on your relationship with your parent. Just because the two of you disagree doesn’t have to destroy the relationship. Find some common ground or work together to set up some ground rules that you both can live with.

You might also find something useful in the following previous questions answered here on I Am A Child of Divorce:

• How Can I Keep My Parents From Dating After a Divorce?
• What Do I Do When My Parents Start Dating Other People?

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

One of the questions that comes up more than any other after parents separate is, what do I do if I don’t like the person my parent is dating? You can find some ideas here, and here if you find yourself in that situation.

But, what if that person your Mom or Dad is still with is the person that caused the break up of your parents in the first place. Maybe the guy your Mom is with is the guy she cheated on your Dad with. Maybe your Dad’s new girlfriend is the woman he left your mom for in the first place. Maybe both of your parents are dating (or remarried to) the person they left your other parent for. How do you deal with that?

Let’s start by acknowledging the pain and the hurt that this situation causes. When your parents split up, it hurts! When you’re left to pick up the pieces and trying to figure out how to move on with life, it causes pain, confusion, stress and so much more. The loss of your family (as you knew it) hurts, and it is a loss that must be grieved.

When one (or both) of your parents cheats on the other and then leaves to be with the person they cheated with, the hurt and the pain can be that much worse. It is natural to feel betrayed, angry, confused or even abandoned. And, when your parent has a new person in their life, it oftentimes feels like they’re spending all of their time with that person and ignoring you when you need them the most. When that person is the one who “caused” the split, that feeling of being ignored or abandoned is even more intense. On top of all that, many times your parent will expect or pressure you to accept the new person in their life when that is the last thing on earth you want to do! So, what can you do about all that and how do you handle the situation? Here are a couple of suggestions: Continue reading

H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Next to your parents actually getting a divorce, the hardest thing you might face is when they start dating other people.  It’s weird to see your father with someone other than your mother or your mother with anyone other than your father.  And, it’s natural for you to not want your parents to date other people.  Sometimes, it’s hard to get past the “weird factor” and accept this new phase of your parents’ lives.  Hopefully your mom or dad has given you, and themselves, enough time to adjust to the divorce before they start dating.  If not, have a conversation with them about how their dating makes you feel, and try to come up with some agreed guidelines for their dating.  They are still your parent, but it’s important that they know how you feel about the situation too.

Part of the reason so many kids have trouble adjusting to their parents dating after divorce is because they still hold out hope that their parents will get back together.  Although this doesn’t happen very often, and it is very unlikely that your parents will actually get back together, many children of divorce continue to cling to a sliver of hope that their parents might reunite.  When parents start to see other people, even that small sliver of hope is dashed and that makes it hard for kids to accept.

Some kids don’t like the idea of their parents dating after a divorce because they are afraid that their parent will find someone they want to spend more time with and stop spending as much time with them. Maybe you are concerned that if your parents start dating they won’t be home at night or they’ll miss your dance recital or baseball game. Maybe you’re concerned that they won’t be home for dinner or to help you with your homework. If this is your concern, sit down and talk to your parents. Sometimes just talking about your concerns will help you to feel better, and it will let your parents know that this is something that concerns you.

Another thing that makes it hard for some kids to accept their parents dating is because they feel like they are being disloyal to the other parent when they like the person their parent is dating.  If your father has a new girlfriend, you might feel like you are rejecting your mother if you accept her and try to get along with her.  The fact is that no one can, or will, ever replace either of your parents.  You may end up with “extra” adults in your life, but your mom will always be your mom and your dad will always be your dad.  That doesn’t mean that you can’t accept the new people and their role in your life as well.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

When your parents split up it’s hard.  There are tons of changes that happen in your life, and you may never really get used to the idea though you will likely adapt to your new life eventually.  One thing that makes the process even harder though is when you parents start to date other people.  When your Mom starts dating other guys or your Dad starts dating other women, it’s hard to get past the initial “ick” factor” let alone learn to cope with the whole dating thing.  That’s why so many kids try to keep their parents from dating at all.  For more on that, check out “How Can I Keep My Parents From Dating After Divorce?”

Assuming you couldn’t stop them from dating, and most kids can not, you may be wondering what you can do to help make the situation easier or better.  Here are some tips:

1. Try not to compare your parents’ new dating interest to your other parent.  If your Dad is dating someone new, don’t spend time constantly trying to figure out how she is or isn’t like you Mom.  Same thing if your Mom is dating someone new.  Try not to compare them to, or judge them, based on your Dad.
2. Remember that no matter what happens with your parents’ new dating relationships, no one will ever replace your mom and dad.  You may have additional grown ups in your life, but you only have one mom and one dad.
3. Don’t determine that you will not get along with your parents’ new dating partner.  Don’t hold your parents’ divorce against them.  They may be a very nice person.  It’s ok to like them, and it’s easier when you’re not looking for them to be a replacement mom or dad.  Liking your parents’ new boyfriend or girlfriend does not mean that you are betraying your other parent.
4. Speak to them like you would any other adult (perhaps the parent of one of your friends, or a teacher at school or church).  You may not like that your Mom or Dad is dating them, but that doesn’t give you the right to be disrespectful.  Remember the Golden Rule and apply it to them like you would anyone else – “Treat others the way you would want to be treated.”
5. Don’t bad mouth the new people in your parents’ lives to the other parent.  That isn’t your role and will only serve to make the tension between your parents worse.
6. Spend time with your mom or dad away from their new relationship.  Remind them, in a nice way, that you still want some time alone with them and ask if they would be willing to do that with you.
7. If your parents’ new dating interest makes you feel unsafe let your parent know that.  If they do anything inappropriate, report it to proper authorities immediately.  If you don’t know where to report it, talk to someone at school or church who can likely help you (a counselor, minister or teacher).
8. Find someone you trust to share what you are going through.  Make sure that it is someone who is willing to tell you if you are being unreasonable or are wrong.  It doesn’t do you, or anyone else, any good to only talk with people who are going to “side with” you no matter what.
9. Give it time.  All relationships take time to develop and grow.  Whatever relationship you might have with your parents dating partners will also take time to develop.  Don’t write them off right away, and don’t be discouraged because you are not instant best friends.

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