Why do we work with the many hurting children in our congregations? I have often thought about this issue. This really pricks my heart at holidays and special times of the year. I know most of us work with the hurting children because we love the Lord and we want to further the kingdom. But, what is the motivation year after year. I came up with the following devotional for children’s ministers with thoughts about why we do what we do.

First

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given;
and the government shall be upon his shoulder,
and his name shall be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the increase of his government and of peace
there will be no end,
on the throne of David and over his kingdom,
to establish it and to uphold it
with justice and with righteousness
from this time forth and forevermore.
The zeal of the LORD of hosts will do this. (Isaiah 9:6-7 ESV)

For every little soul that comes to church, the birth of a Savior was foretold years ago. To each of us and to all our hurting kids this Savior is called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father and Prince of Peace. His peace knows no end. With this Savior, there is justice and righteousness even for the hurting child.

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“And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, ‘Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.’” Luke 2:8-11 (NIV)

For those of us that work in children’s ministries we know the above scripture is the beginning narrative for the shepherds to begin their journey to look for the baby who would be the Messiah. We understand that there must have been great excitement and joy for the shepherds. We want to carry that excitement about the news of baby Jesus to the children in our ministries. Most of the time their parents join in the excitement and jubilation, and we count on the parents continuing the story of Christmas at home.

We might go around saying “Merry Christmas” to all who can hear. The Sunday before Christmas the phrase, “Merry Christmas” is usually heard all over the children’s area as leaders and teachers wish the kids and parents this saying as everyone is leaving. While most smile and give you a similar wish, the single parent may only nod or appear to be in another world. Some may mumble a “Merry Christmas” back, but for many “Merry Christmas” is a dreaded wish many divorced parents hate to hear.

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Many times in children’s ministries at Christmas time you will hear children of divorce voice their concern about Christmas and their missing parent. These children may express the desire for the missing parent to come home again. Your first inclination might be to jump in and try to help this family celebrate a Merry Christmas with everyone together again. I would caution you to be very careful in attempting an endeavor like this.

There are many reasons this should not happen. If it is the first Christmas a family has been separated, children may be exhibiting sadness and apprehension about the approaching holidays. Some might even beg their parents to celebrate Christmas together. Many times this is done in the hopes that their parents will remember how much they used to love each other. Kids will be dreaming and maybe even conniving about how to “help” their parents fall in love again.

Sometimes it is one of the parents who may be unduly influencing the child. For some children they may be getting pressure from the parent that was left. That parent may be feeding the child ideas so the child will try to convince the other parent to return home just for the holidays or just for one day – Christmas.

Some divorced parents may come to you asking for your help. They may say it’s best for the kids if the other parent will just return home for the holidays. Keep in mind that the family unit the kids have known has changed. The kids may be getting used to a new schedule and routines. While they may want the other parent to come home, they have been learning how to live in two different homes. If the parent comes home, it will mean another change for the children to experience. And then, what happens if (and generally when) the parent leaves again right after Christmas?

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And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

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Recognizing the plight of children of divorce at Christmas time can help children in divorced families stay connected to the church and attentive to the birth of Christ during the holidays.

Christmas Through the Eyes of the Child of Divorce

While most people get excited about the holidays, children from divorced homes often go into a depression, get very anxious or simply disconnect when preparing for all of the events associated with Christmas. Sometimes, this is related to the uncertainty surrounding which home they will be in when celebrating various events. Other times, it might be because they really want to be with both parents during the holidays but know that that is not possible. This leads to a feeling of being overwhelmed. Or they may fantasize about their parents getting back together. When that doesn’t happen, they can become angry or sad. Many children of divorce simply feel lost during the holidays so they disconnect.

With all the rushing around at the holidays for parties, church, concerts, plays, shopping and more, single parents still have to work. They still have to parent alone, and stress abounds. Children may feel the stress of the Christmas celebration times two – two homes and two parents. You might say they experience double whammies of both stress and holiday celebrating.

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Thanksgiving is now a memory and Christmas looms before us. For some kids Christmas is an exciting time of the year. For many kids Christmas may mean staying up late, no school, visits with relatives, presents and candy. As people who work with kids, we want them to find the true meaning of Christmas. The emotions of Christmas in a child of divorce may be very different than what you are used to.

Most of you will go overboard trying to relay the story of the baby Jesus and his humble birth with special lessons and activities. There will be special Christmas musicals; special holiday parties or celebrations; perhaps even caroling events also.

We want kids to come to church and enjoy the “specialness” of this time of year. That’s why I want to start early this year asking you to prepare yourself for the child of divorce. If it is a child’s first Christmas after the separation or divorce of their parents, you might want to be prepared for a variety of feelings to be exhibited. Depending on how recent the divorce was, the child may appear to be in shock, or the child may be confused not sure of what their feelings are.

If it has been several months, and the child has begun to process the divorce, you may find some anger feelings emerging in your classes. If the child feels safe with you, then don’t be surprised if a lot of anger comes out. Some children will hold their anger in when they are around their parents. They don’t want to upset their already stressed and/or angry parents. But, when they get to a safe place and if you have developed a relationship with them, then they will let their guard down and express themselves.

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A young single mom entered my class one Sunday close to Christmas. She was almost trembling and I could tell she was very upset. She just stood there looking at me and when I asked,

What’s wrong?

She said,

I need a hug.

Single parenting is tough almost all the time, but Sundays seem particularly hard for single parents. It could be that they are exhausted from the week and don’t have to rise as early as on the weekday so they sleep in for a few minutes or an hour. Then, it’s hard to get out of bed and face getting the children dressed, fed and in the car by yourself. Or perhaps it is attending church where it seems like everyone is part of a couple.

Christmas time is no exception, and many times worse, because of the added stress of it being Christmas. The single mom above was one such mom. Added to the stress of Christmas was the birthday of her daughter who turned one year old a few days before Christmas. She had been parenting alone since before the baby was born. Plus she had a two year old.

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Christmas is such a special time for those of us who love the Lord. It is a time to celebrate the birth of our Savior. Unfortunately it has also become one of the most stressful times of the year.

The hustle and bustle of shopping, church programs, getting together with families and friends tends to create self-imposed stress. As adults most of know when to back off, say no and we’ve learned to take time to enjoy the season.

Unfortunately for many kids, their families, surroundings and circumstances don’t give them the option of a calm Christmas. Most are stressed to the max. For many kids, it’s the unknown in terms of what this Christmas is going to be like that is causing stress.

There are many things you can do to accommodate these children. One of the things is to be aware of is the kinds of foods stressed out children need. Foods that are comforting in the mouth (such as apple sauce) feel good and comforting to many children.

When my son was in third grade he ate jar after jar of applesauce. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with him eating so much applesauce. Now I understand that the softness and the comforting feeling in the mouth helped him as he was adjusting to his dad’s moving out. The applesauce met a need he had.

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No matter where this holiday may find you this year, and no matter what emotional state this holiday finds you in, at Hope 4 Hurting Kids, we want you to know that you are loved and to wish you a very Merry Christmas from Hope 4 Hurting Kids!

If you are struggling with this holiday, we encourage you to find help. Check out our various articles on dealing with holidays or one of our Help Centers.

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

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