Take a moment to think of someone you care about or someone that has impacted your life in a positive way. There are a lot of people that have impacted my life – especially in ministry. When I think of one lady in particular, and how she has blessed me down through the years, I get the “warm fuzzies.”

You know that feeling where you just feel better inside, under your skin and in your heart. You feel all warm inside and right with the world. My friend has been with me through thick and thin; through divorce and death; through the good and bad. She’s in her eighties now and still relevant and intentional in ministry. She lives on the West coast and I live on the East coast, but she is always with me in my heart.

Sometimes the Holy Spirit alerts me when there is a problem. This happens so I will know to pray for her. For instance when her husband, Jim, passed away suddenly I knew instantly something was wrong. I started praying for her not really knowing why or for what. But the Lord knew. In my prayers for her I am always grateful for her friendship.

Brain research shows that when we feel gratitude or thankfulness there are chemical changes in our brains. Thoughts physically alter the brain wiring. Many times children can sense the emotional state that you are in. What might happen if when a child comes into your group you silently looked at the child and thanked God for allowing this child to be in your group? Or you looked at this child with gratitude for what he or she might teach you today about being a kid? Or as Dr. Becky Bailey says, “You wish the child well.”

I’ll tell you what will happen. You will be creating chemical changes in your brain. You’ll feel better about the child. You’ll feel better about yourself and your ability to minister to this child. You will be impacting the child because he or she will sense the difference in your attitude toward him. There might even be chemical changes going on the child’s brain as well. You could be creating “warm fuzzies” in their brain and not even know it.

In an article titled, “The Secret to fixing School Discipline Problems? Change the Behavior of the Adults” (http://acestoohigh.com/2013/03/20/secret-to-fixing-school-discipline/) the author talks about the success a school in San Diego has had with children and their behaviors. The adults have become intentional in their approach to discipline. In other words, if you want to fix discipline problems the adults have to change first. They use every situation as a teachable moment. They have learned that punishment doesn’t change kids’ behavior. Kids have to be taught how to change their behavior. That means adults have to use the power of being intentional in their interactions with the children. It means thinking differently toward the child and thinking positively.

This however, is not a new concept. In many of the books in the New Testament the disciples would end their letters with warm wishes.

When you read the ending of many books in the New Testament you’ll read,

“The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit” Philippians 4:23

“The Lord be with your spirit. Grace be with you.” 2 Timothy 4:22

“Peace to the brothers, and love with faith from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ” Ephesians 6:23

I’ll end this by sending all of you warm greetings. May the grace of our Father be with each of you in your ministries to children.

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This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on April 05, 2013.

I like to think of the brain system as the “brain train”.

A Quick Review

The caboose (the brain stem) is the train car attached to the rear of the train and used primarily by the train crew. In older days, back when trains actually had a caboose, it was used as a place of protection where soldiers, or the crew, were stationed to protect the train from raiders and robbers and keep it safe. The brain stem is all about fight, flight or freeze. The brain stem asks,

“Am I safe?”

The passenger car (the limbic system) is the place where the people ride on the train and enjoy each other’s company. The limbic system is all about emotions and asks,

“Am I loved?”

Last week we looked at this emotional part of the brain. The part of the brain that says,

“Everything is about me!”

Understanding when a child is in the emotional part of the brain is important because we need to have empathy for them and what they are experiencing.

The Upper Level of the Brain

As we move up the brain this week, we will discuss the upper level of the brain. This is the part of the brain where we want the child of divorce to access. The upper level of the brain (the frontal lobes) is where you find:

• Impulse control
• Empathy
• Working memory
• Sustained attention
• The ability to plan, prioritize, initiate
• Organization
• Time management (Ever notice single parents are almost always late?)
• Goals and stick-to-it-iveness

For Leaders

The upper level of the brain is where we need to be as leaders when working with children of divorce. It is in this level of the brain that you will be effective leaders. Think about it. Working with some of these children can be a real challenge. It takes impulse control to keep from getting upset with some of their behaviors. It certainly takes empathy when you must feel what they are feeling and you need to put yourself in their place for a few minutes. What must it feel like when you wanted to see your mom and she didn’t show up for dinner this week or last week or the last ten weeks?

I’m sure you can go down the list above and see the importance of

• Remembering what a child told you three weeks ago the last time they were at church
• Paying attention to each child of divorce
• Planning in advance, prioritizing and initiating projects effectively
• Being organized for every class
• Being on time and prepared in advance
• Being committed to stick with the child of divorce and be helpful and serving their family.

In Children of Divorce

For the child of divorce we want them to be able to access the upper level of the brain so they can learn how to process the divorce and move forward with their lives. The child has to be in this state in order to learn and solve conflicts. We learn problem solving in a social system. Children of divorce don’t have an opportunity to learn this when being shuffled from home to home, or in homes where there is a lot of fighting or living with a single parent who is too stressed to pay much attention to the needs of their children. While not all single parents are like this, many who are just experiencing the heartbreak of a divorce will live in the emotional part of their brain. Plus, many children of divorce are isolated and left alone after school – zoning in front of a TV, playing video games and suffering the Internet.

We want them to be in the frontal lobes so they experience sustained attention. So they can learn to belong and feel what it is like to empathize with another person. It is important for the church and church activities/classes to welcome the child of divorce into the church family. These children need to see, feel and be a part of something that emulates a family environment. In these types of environments we can nurture the frontal lobes.

In his book Think Smart: A Neuroscientist’s Prescription for Improving Your Brain’s Performance, Richard Restak says,

“I’ve found that many prisoners, especially those serving time for violent crimes, suffer from deficiencies in frontal lobe function. They can’t plan their lives or control either their emotions or their behaviors.”

“If the frontal lobes are not nurtured and developed…then we as a society can expect o pay deadly in terms of more crime, broken homes, drug use and violence..” (Richard Restak, 1994)

If you’ve read much research on children of divorce you already know that children of divorce have a higher chance of ending up incarcerated than children in two-parent homes. Richard Restak’s comments should send shock waves into the church realm if we are serious about ministering to the child of divorce in our children’s programs. Did the “broken homes” jump out at you? It did me. What if your church could be one of the tools to help kids develop and nurture their frontal lobes?

The main thing these kids need is your love and empathy for what they are experiencing. When they experience a healthy family type atmosphere where they feel safe physically and emotionally, and where they feel loved and accepted, then they can access the higher level of the brain, the frontal lobes.

It is in this state they will learn to solve problems. They will be able to create choices. Remember the child in the brain stem can’t make choices. The child in the limbic loves to make choices, and the child in the frontal lobes can offer choices. The upper level of the brain or the cortex loves to learn.

The Brain Train Engine

In the Brain Train, the engine (cortex) is the place where the engineer runs the train. All the decisions about running the train are made in this car. Cortex/frontal lobe loves to learn, creates choices, organizes, has working memory, has foresight, planning and follow-through actions. “The frontal lobes are also responsible for our most evolved feelings and behaviors such as ethics, altruism and compassion.” (“Think Smart”, Richard Restak) “What can I learn?” of “How can I solve this problem?” (Dr. Becky Bailey, “Conscious Discipline” www.consciousdiscipline.com 1-800-842-2846)

Some of you might ask why does a child go from the cortex down to the brain stem? The answer is because the child needs to. The child doesn’t have the wiring to get him or herself out of the brain stem; the child needs adults to help.

Another important piece of information to remember is that, even though we have all this brain information and we are learning how to help children move from the lower levels of their brain to the upper levels where they can learn and problem solve, children can still “unhook” the brain by telling themselves they are worthless!

A Brain Train Hypothetical Scenario

Brain Train Scenario: The child of divorce comes into your class and you can tell right away they don’t want to be there. Their head is down and they are refusing to look at you. Or worst case scenario they hide under a table or pew. Or they go sit in the corner with their hoodie over their head refuse to look up and take the hoodie off. What do you do? For the most part in the past we have mishandled this type of situation by saying things like, “Oh come on now. Things can’t be that bad.” Or we try to happy up the child by saying, “Come on, give me a smile.” Or, “Quit being silly! Get out from under that table.” Or, “Take that hoodie off. I can’t see that beautiful face of yours.” When we do this, we don’t help the child feel safe but instead we literally push them down into feeling unworthy.

What we have been doing hasn’t been working. I know because I used to do that and because I’ve had hundreds of children’s leaders tell me this. Most recently at the International Children’s Pastor’s Conference in Orlando, Fl in January 2012 several children’s leaders came up and said,

“I know what I’ve been doing hasn’t been working but I just haven’t known what to say. Why hasn’t someone shared this with us before now?”

Here is a brain smart way to handle one of these types of situations.

Brain stem – describe what the child’s actions are.

“Your head is going like this. And your face looks like this.” (You make the same movements and facial expression.) When the child looks toward you and they will look toward you because they want to see what you are doing, then you are starting the movement up the brain train.

Limbic system – add empathy.

“Seems to me you might be …. um…. upset?” Don’t tell the child what they are feeling but use the words “seems to me”. “Seems to me you don’t want to be here.” Or, “Seems to me that you might be sad?” Usually at this point the child will mutter something like, “Yeh, I didn’t want to come today because I was sad, or upset or mad that daddy forgot to come get me this weekend.” Of course if you are a kid and you were expecting your dad to come and get you and take you for the weekend, you don’t want to be at church! The child may be thinking, “What is he comes while I’m at church and he gets mad because I wasn’t waiting on him?”

At this point you can add empathy by saying something like, “Oh my. I understand. If I was waiting for my dad and he didn’t come I’d be upset too. What can I do to help you?” Then give the child some choices. “Would you like to just stand here by me for awhile until you get a little more comfortable? Or would you like to get a drink of water before we get started?”

Let the child make a choice. I have been surprised more than once when a child will give me other options such as, “Well, maybe I could go help the other teacher.” Or, “I think I’ll just sit over here in the corner for awhile.” To which I always add, “That seems like a good choice and then when you feel like it you can join the rest of the group.”

Let your words and your teaching impact with tenderness upon these children. Love them through this time in their lives and teach to their brains!

“Let my teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants.” Deuteronomy 32:2 (NIV)

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This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on March 09, 2012.

Last week, we introduced the limbic system (the emotional part of the brain) and explained how it affects children of divorce. Children in the limbic system or the emotional part of the brain wonder if they are loved. They wonder if anyone cares about them. It is all about emotions.

Divorce and the Limbic System of the Brain

When I think back to when I went through a divorce, I now realize that I lived in for many weeks in the emotional part of my brain. I couldn’t analyze or get organized, and I was late to every appointment. I even had trouble making eye contact with people because I was afraid the person I was talking to might not like me. And it didn’t end there, over the years, I know I have reverted back to that state on a number of occasions. All that, and I was an adult at the time. Think about the children coming to your church who are experiencing the divorce of their parents!

The Issue of Serotonin Production

Serotonin is a chemical in the brain that affects our emotional states. Serotonin plays an important role in the limbic system, and divorce can impact the level of serotonin in the brain. Children who suffer abuse or emotional upheaval appear to have a lower production of serotonin.

Serotonin could be described as one of the “feel good” chemicals in the brain. Adequate levels of serotonin are commonly associated with a number of positive outcomes including:

• It can keep one from becoming overwhelmed.
• It can act as calming music.
• It helps bond us with each other.

Low levels of serotonin have been linked to a number of negative outcomes including:

• Aggression
• Obsessive-compulsive behaviors
• Depression
• Violence
• Addiction
• Impulsivity.

Dr. Becky Bailey’s (http://www.consciousdiscipline.com, 800-842-2846) from a Conscious Discipline workshop in Wichita, Kansas explains the issue of serotonin in terms of outcomes in our society:

“We have a big serotonin problem in our world today.

• One in 32 adults are incarcerated in the U.S. (impulsivity/aggressive behaviors).
• One in three adults are depressed.
• Lower serotonin levels are associated with aggressive behaviors in children.
• Regarding working with children: ‘If my voice is getting louder, I’m getting aggressive; I have a lowered serotonin.’

Increasing the Levels of Serotonin

Higher levels of serotonin will help children of divorce to cope.

Ms. Bailey goes explains a number of ways to increase serotonin including:

• Stretching always lowers stress and raises serotonin.
• Mastery or mastering a challenge (ever feel good after you have mastered something?)
• Stretching
• Breathing from the diaphragm or belly breathing (ever watch a newborn baby breathe while sleeping?)
• Eating carbohydrates
  • Potatoes (but only while you are eating them)
  • Pizza – serotonin in a circle
  • Fries – serotonin in a stick
• Making a commitment and carrying through with it
• Help children set a goal, achieve the goal and then check off when they have accomplished this goal. It’s the checking off the goal that helps them feel better about themselves.
• Hearing ‘You did it’ gives small bits of serotonin to a child. “Look at you. You walked across the room. You did it.” Or, “You brought your Bible today. You did it.”

Children in the limbic part of the brain also do well with choices. To them their world is out of their control. Giving them choices empowers them. (We will look more at the issue of giving choices in a later article.)

Other Tips

There are a number of additional things you can do to help kids suffering through the divorce of their parents who are living in the emotional part of their brain. They include:

• Develop some simple rituals, and use them consistently. These rituals could be as simple as a fist bump every time a child enters your room.
• Give children choices. “Do you want to sit in the red chair or on the white bench?” “Do you want to look up the scripture by yourself or do you want me to help you?”
• Be close by if they want a hug. Use this or similar language. “You’re telling me to go away, so I will move back a little bit, but I won’t leave you alone with these scary feelings. When you’re ready, I am right here to hug you.” (http://www.stressfreekids.com/9771/kids-temper-tantrums-and-meltdowns)
• Reassure each child that they are wanted and loved by Jesus.
• Send a missing child a note to tell them everyone missed them. Remember if they are visiting the other parent every other weekend, you’ll need to be prepared to do this often and do it consistently as the child will begin to rely on that connection with you.
• Use empathy with these children. “Seems to me that you are sad (mad, disappointed, embarrassed) today. What can I do to help you feel better” Or, “What can I do to help you get involved in our activities” Or, “Get you started?” Don’t tell the child how they are feeling but use words like, “seems to me”.

Don’t Give Up!

Most importantly, don’t give up on these children. They really do want to belong. For their future well- being, they need to connect and form positive relationships. These are the children who upon hearing the words “Jesus loves you” will not be able to understand them. They will need for you to “be” Jesus to them. It might take longer for some of these children to come around, but the children are worth it. Jesus does love these children, and He didn’t create any child to be thrown away.

“I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them” (Hosea 11:4).

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This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on March 02, 2012.

Learning about the emotional brain or the limbic part of the brain is an important part of working with the child of divorce. The limbic system is located in the mid part of our brain and serves many functions including:

• Generating emotions/feelings
• Directing our emotions
• Helping to motivate us
• Directing our drive
• Arousing our attachment
• Establishing the ability for us to have attachments and relationships
• Storing highly charged emotional memories
• Being territorial
• Taping events as internally important
• Controlling appetite and sleep cycles
• Storing the unconscious part of the brain (everything ever said is stored in this part of the brain)

Brain research is showing that nurturing and encouraging environments shape brains for a lifetime of healthy adjustments, to strive and thrive. Our early life wires our brain for connecting and attaching to others. Child abuse, constant stress (like that which comes from living in two homes or generally through the divorce of parents) and discouraging environments may alter brain chemistry and affect a child’s learning ability and scripture memorization.

The limbic system or the emotional brain is always asking, “Am I loved?”

The limbic system represents an emotional state. Many children of divorce question if their parents still love them. They need reassurance from caring adults.

Children from divorced homes retain vivid emotional memories and scenes. Some of the kids coming to your church have emotionally charged memories of parents fighting and arguing. These memories are going to be stored FOREVER in their limbic, but we can also store the Word of God alongside those “charged” memories. That is a biggie! Memories attached to an emotion are remembered. Help give these children an emotionally charged happy memory by bringing in fun along with God’s Word and various church experiences and concepts.

I have a wonderful and happy memory of a lady visiting our small country church when I was a child. I remember so clearly the morning she showed up because she could sing prettier than anyone I had ever heard. Everyone turned around to find out where this lovely voice was coming from and where she was sitting. She was so happy and joyful in the Lord. To this day, some fifty odd years later, I can clearly see Miss Lawana, and I can still hear her voice. Happy times create happy memories!

Many of these children literally cannot access the upper levels of the brain. (How to help these children access the cortex will be discussed later.) Threatening environments are not conducive to helping children become life-long learners or even to recall scriptures. This can include environments where teachers or leaders tack on threats at the end of instructions and directions. While a simple warning may not be intended as threatening the way it is delivered, to many children it will sound like a threat.

The developmental need for the limbic system is connection.

Connection gives child impulse control. Impulse control allows cooperation. Connection means harmony, warm support and pleasant feelings. Connection also includes feeling safe.

The limbic state only has access to a certain set of skills—what we grew up with, such as name-calling, verbal harassment, etc. All the child can think is “Don’t you love me?” In the past we have used reasoning, rewards and bribery, but none of it has worked long term. That’s because a CD continually plays in the brain what has been said and pumped into the unconscious part of our brain. But we can rewrite the CD. We can help children rewrite the CD. To strengthen this part of the brain, it has to be activated. This is done through connections and adding empathy to the child’s situation.

In this part of the brain, “It is all about ME!”

For some children who have experienced severe trauma or events that are uncontrollable, such as emotional abuse or violent environments, their brains have been wired to not be successful. These are the children whose attention is difficult to gain. They may fight with others or take a swing at others. In their minds they are protecting themselves. They are territorial and don’t want other kids close or in their way. You will hear them scream things like, “Stop looking at me!” or “You’re in my place.” These children have learned not to be successful.

Research shows that children like these need to be in programs and classrooms that offer hope and have an encouraging atmosphere of trust, safety, caring and mutual respect. In other words, these environments can rewire the brain. A program like DivorceCare for Kids (http://www.dc4k.org/) can also help many children of divorce coming to your churches.

Many of these children do not do well in large group environments. If your church places these children in large groups, try to find a way to give them a small group environment for part of the time.

Some children appear to be resilient when it comes to trauma. This could be from the early brain wiring that took place as infants. These children have experienced stable, warm and nurturing relationships with the adults in their lives. They appear to have high levels of serotonin. They trust their caregivers, their teachers and church workers. They feel safe. They have hope and are encouraged even though they may have a temporary setback. Research shows that support systems bolster resilience. Children who have people to lean on, and those who allow others to lean on them, are able to bounce back faster and cope with trying events. A church family can be one such environment that helps children of divorce become resilient.

Come back next week and find out ways to help and what to do when a child is in the limbic part of the brain.

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This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on February 24, 2012.

Last week we discussed what was happening in the brains of children that are fearful or scared. This week let’s expand that concept and look at stress and the brain.

What is Stress?

Stress is the body’s way of reacting to challenging events, one of which for children is the divorce of their parents. Stress in children can affect them physically, emotionally and mentally.

Stress and the Child of Divorce

Children of divorce have all kinds of stressors including not knowing:

• Not knowing where the other parent is
• Not knowing who is picking them up after school
• Not knowing where they will spend holidays
• How to handle birthdays
• How to handle new relationships
• How to handle losing friends, pets, holidays, etc.

All of these stressors leave children of divorce overwhelmed and unable to cope with life.

Children of divorce will experience many stressful moments and, for some, many stressful years after their parents’ divorce. Every time a child has to change homes, it can be stressful. Every time a child hears one parent talking to the other parent in “that tone of voice”, it will produce stress. Hearing the words, lawyer, court, child custody and child support can cause stress to the child.

Stress Leads to Fear

Some stressful moments will strike fear into the child of divorce. We learned last week that when a child feels fear, their brains revert to the lower level of the brain or the brain stem. The brainstem is the lower extension of the brain where it connects to the spinal cord. Neurological functions located in the brainstem include those necessary for survival (breathing, digestion, heart rate, blood pressure) and for arousal (being awake and alert).

The immediate response to a perceived threat is for the body to channel resources for strength and speed. The brain dulls the body’s sense of pain. The brain’s responsibility is for safety. The heart rate speeds up, the pulse begins to race and this sends extra blood to the muscles and organs. Blood vessels open wider to allow more blood flow to large muscles groups.

Other body parts affected include:

• Blood rushes to the large muscles in the legs, making the hands colder and preparing the body to flee.
• The pupils of your eyes dilate for better vision.
• Lungs take in more oxygen (many children of divorce experience more asthma attacks).
• The bloodstream brings extra oxygen and glucose-fuel to the heart for power. Heart rate and blood pressure rise.
• The Adrenal glands secret the fight-or-flight hormone epinephrine (adrenaline)
• Digestion halts allowing the body to dedicate energy to the muscles (stomach aches are a constant complaint in children of divorce).
• Sweat is produced to keep the body cool

It’s All About the Child’s Perception

It’s important to realize that a “perceived threat” to a child is a threat. It doesn’t make any difference if there really isn’t a threat, because it is the child’s perception of a threat that counts. Their perceptions aren’t lies –they are the child’s perception.

Ever hear a mom say to a child,

“That’s not what happened. Stop telling those lies.”

To a child, it may very well be what happened because it is their perception. This is particularly true in children of divorce. Remember they may not have their parents talking to each other, to them or explaining things to them, so their perceptions of events can get very wild and out of control in their minds.

The Impacts of Stress

All these changes help a person’s body react quickly and efficiently to the perceived threat. This stress response is known as the fight or flight response in the brain. The fight or flight response is critical in emergency situations. In other situations such as taking a test, performing or giving a speech a milder form of this stress response is activated. Some milder forms of stress keeps us alert and can cause us to do well in different situations. The brain’s response quickly returns to normal once we are through the event.

It is when we live in a constant state of alertness or chronic stress for long periods of time that we can be adversely affected. Unfortunately, children of divorce live in chronic stress and constant fear about what is happening for years. Even low levels of stress can be hard on people if they last for long periods of time. Chronic stress can harm the immune system, the brain and the heart and can be related to various illnesses.

Chronic stress can also cause the adrenal gland to release cortisol. Over long periods of time, cortisol becomes toxic to brain cells, possibly damaging cognitive ability. Cortisol can even kill brain cells. Depression may also increase, and anger and fatigue may increase. Blood pressure may become elevated and the heart rate faster, causing damage to blood vessels.

Signs of Stress

Signs of poorly managed stress or stress overload include:

• Inability to concentrate
• Poor memory
• Low level of creativity
• Flushed face
• Cold hands
• Rapid shallow breathing
• Disorganization, you can’t find anything
• Time management ­– can’t estimate time
• Every task become overwhelming
• Empathy – everything is about you
• No impulse control – you react
• Poor motor coordination
• Shortness of breath
• Dry mouth
• Acid stomach
• Gas, diarrhea
• Frequent urination
• Palpitations
• Irritability
• Overindulging

Next week we will look at practical ways to help stressed out children.

Additional Resources

• Dr. Becky Bailey, Conscious Discipline (Loving Guidance, Inc. www.ConsciousDiscipline.com
• Bruce Perry, several articles and books on trauma, http://www.childtrauma.org/
• Kathy Nunley, A Student’s Brain: The Parent/Teacher Manual (Morris Publishing) http://brains.org
• Pam Schiller , Start Smart (Gryphon House) http://pamschiller.com/
• Joseph Ledoux, “Searching the Brain for the Roots of Fear” article in Online Commentary from The Times, http://tinyurl.com/6pmvxtr

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This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on February 10, 2012.

Answering the Question “Why Do We Lose Control of Our Emotions” is a key first step in helping kids understand their emotions. This is the focus of the first step of Hope 4 Hurting Kids’ Jump In! Stand Strong! Rise Up! Method (A Comprehensive Plan for Dealing With Emotions). This video from Kids Want to Know is a great explanation for kids and adults of how emotions get out of control and how our brain reacts when they do.

The video’s YouTube page explains more:

Simple, easy-to-understand whiteboard animation to help early Elementary-aged children gain an understanding of the way their brains work to recognize and manage their emotions. This is intended as a beginning resource to help children, parents, educators, and those who work with children to encourage mindfulness, empathy, and emotional regulation. The Hand/Brain Model included in the video is a concept by Dr. Dan Siegel. More information on “Flipping your Lid” and the Hand/Brain model can be found at www.drdansiegel.com.

The Brain’s Reaction to Fear

We know from the brain research and from studying the experts on brain-based learning that fear strikes at the heart of learning. When a child is fearful or feels unsafe the learning brain begins to power down so to speak. Learning becomes more difficult if not impossible.

Have you ever had something scare the daylights out of you? What were you feeling at the time? Most of us probably don’t think about what we were feeling when that car zipped through the stop light in front of us and we had to slam on our breaks. We just react to the situation. Our brains do what they were supposed to do – they react and keep us safe by helping us to slam on our breaks.

Feeling safe is a basic instinct that each person has, and fear is a basic human emotion. From the time we are born our brains are equipped with the fight or flight capability. This fight or flight capacity is found in the lower level of the brain called the brain stem. Many times we can sense or feel when something is dangerous. Fear can be intense, mild or medium depending on the situation. Fear can be brief or long lasting.

From KidsHealth.org (http://tinyurl.com/6u28czx) we read,

“When we sense danger, the brain reacts instantly, sending signals that activate the nervous system. This causes physical responses, such as a faster heartbeat, rapid breathing, and an increase in blood pressure. Blood pumps to muscle groups to prepare the body for physical action (such as running or fighting). Skin sweats to keep the body cool. Some people might notice sensations in the stomach, head, chest, legs, or hands. These physical sensations of fear can be mild or strong.”

When a child fears something, he or she wants and expects the adults in their life to protect them and keep them safe. In talking about feeling safe, John Indermark in Turn Toward Promise (Upper Room Books) explains safety in the following statement,

“In order to feel safe, in order to experience security, you must be able to trust in something or someone greater than yourself, greater than your fears.”

Fear and the Child of Divorce

Because children of divorce have lost a sense of trust in the very people who are supposed to keep them safe, many times they experience intense safety issues. When this happens, the fight or flight part of the brain takes over. It is a reaction to the situation.

Have you ever had a child of divorce come into your group with a hoodie on and the hood pulled way down over the eyes? Many of us will try and convince the child to remove the hood from the eyes by giving them reasons they can’t do this. We might try and kid them out of it or what I call “happy them up” in order to get them to remove the hood.

If the child is truly in the fight or flight part of the brain, they can’t rationalize or analyze any reason to remove the hood. All they know is they don’t feel safe and hiding their eyes is a way of “flight” from the situation. All of our talking and kidding can send these children even deeper into themselves or cause them to react with inappropriate responses. At the very least, it can isolate them from the entire class or possible even push them away from church completely.

The most important adults in the child’s world have dropped them head first in the middle of an emotional train wreck, and then as church leaders we expect them to walk into our classes and participate just like any other child. Divorce is an emotional train wreck, and for the child it is a wreck that isn’t safe and is full of fear. Memorizing scripture; answering questions about a bible story, joining in praise and worship or behaving appropriately may be almost impossible for the child of divorce as the body is physically preparing for the fear factor.

Helping Children Deal With Fear

One of the best approaches for helping children filled with fear is to assure them they are safe. Calming them and assuring them of their safety allows the fight or flight response to relax sending them to the upper levels of the brain. (more on this next week) It slows down that racing heart, lowers the blood pressure, slows the breathing and stops the release of harmful chemicals and hormones.

Helping children to breathe from the diaphragm can assist in calming them. Something as simple as saying, “Breathe! Breathe! Breathe with me” as you model deep breathing is helpful. You’ll know if they are breathing from the diaphragm by watching their shoulders. If their shoulders are moving up and down, then they are still breathing in the chest area.

Dr. Becky Bailey, in her book Conscious Discipline [http://www.consciousdiscipline.com (800-842-2846)], has a great concept for helping children who feel unsafe in various situations. She has developed a concept called the “Safe Keeper”. It is a very simple and easy approach to use as you tell the child,

“I am the Safe Keeper. It’s my job to keep things safe. And your job is to help me keep things safe.”

This almost sounds too simple to work, but I have used this concept for years and it works. It works especially well with the child of divorce. It doesn’t put any pressure on them, and it gives them a chance to actually feel safe in a non-threatening environment.

Only once the child feels safe can they effectively be pulled into the group. Only when they feel safe can they learn. Only when they feel safe can they connect with other children, with you and with our Savior, Jesus Christ. And the Savior is what these children desperately need in their lives.

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This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on February 03, 2012.

This week we continue our discussion of the incredible amazing brain in children of divorce. There is so much to know about the brain but for some reason those of us in the church realm haven’t connected with the world of science to learn about how this research can benefit the children we work with in our children’s ministries. Today the topic of empathy is an exciting one to me because as I read and understand the Bible. I see that Jesus brought empathy into the world full force.

Empathy is the ability to feel what someone else is feeling. It is the ability to place ones self in the situation a child or another person is experiencing. For the child of divorce, empathy is you in their life experiencing the break up of the intact family.

When you look at a situation from another person’s perspective it gives you the ability to share their feelings.

Empathy is far different from sympathy. Sympathy is feeling or expressing pity or sorrow for a distress or pain that someone is experiencing. Upon learning of the death of a loved one of a friend, we might say, “I am sorry to hear of your loss.” We have sorrow for them. Empathy is different because with empathy you are not just reacting to the emotions of someone else, you feel the same emotions they do.

Children of divorce need your empathy not your sympathy!

Many adult children of divorce will tell you they didn’t like it when people felt sorry for them or pitied them. Many times it drove them deeper into themselves, and they refused to share, explore their feelings or open up.

When children of divorce (and other children in crisis or trauma) come into your church groups, they want you to understand what they are feeling. You might say they want to transfer the hurting heart, the sadness, the sense of depression, the fear or the anger to you. The key to perceiving their feelings lies in the ability to be able to read nonverbal clues such tone of voice; facial expressions, gestures and body language. (Daniel Golman, “Emotional Intelligence” (Bantam) pg 96)

Let me share a personal experience with you I had at the elementary school where I volunteer after school with the chorus.

The new semester brought new children into the chorus. One obviously distressed little girl approached me. Her face was red, she was wringing her hands, and tears were forming in the corner of her eyes while her shoulders were hunched over. The first thing I did was to make a quick observation of everything physical that was going on with her. The next thing was to place my hand on her shoulder and lean into her.

Then I said softly,

“What seems to be the problem.”

She explained that her mom told her not to come to chorus that day because mom had an appointment. She had forgotten, and now she didn’t know how she was going to get home. I added empathy. I placed myself in her little eight-year old body and thought immediately how I would feel if I were she. I thought the best thing to do was take her to the office and have the secretary try to reach her mom.

As we walked to the office using my soft voice I said,

“Seems to me that you are really upset.”

I told her to breathe deeply, and we stopped and I demonstrated how to do that.

“What is causing you to be so upset?”

She said she was scared. I told her that I was a safe keeper (more on this concept later) and I was going to keep her safe. I smiled at her and put my hand on her shoulder as we walked.

In other words I had empathy for her. Eventually we were able to find out she was supposed to come to choir, and she had gotten mixed up with another day’s situation. She then was able to sing her heart out like the other kids.

Many of us would have approached this girl with a quick fix and said something like,

“Oh come on now. You’ll be okay. Your mom will find you. Don’t worry. Now go back to your seat and sing with us.”

Or we might try to “happy up” the child and make her laugh or smile.

When I read the New Testament, I can visualize how Jesus had empathy for many people. For the little children, he pulled them up on His lap. He felt the hunger of the crowd and fed them. He drove out the demons. He healed those with leprosy. He cried with Mary and Martha when their brother Lazarus died. On and on He cared for the people.

“He took up our infirmities and carried our diseases.” Matthew 8:17b (NIV)

He wasn’t wimpy or coddling to them. He really cared about them.

“When Jesus had finish saying these thing, the crowd were amazed at this teaching, because he taught as one who had authority …..” Matthew 7:28 (NIV)

In a later article, we are going to talk about what happens in the brains of children when empathy is applied. There is so much more to discuss about the brain. But know that, for some kids of divorce, you might be the only empathetic Jesus voice they hear this week.

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This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on January 27, 2012.

For the next few weeks we will look at how understanding what is happening in the brains of children of divorce will allow you to develop better relationships and impact these kids in a positive manner.

The brain is an amazing and incredible part of the human make up. God in His amazing creation created the human brain that can out last, out do and out perform any computer or electronic gadget now or those yet to be discovered.

What are mirror neurons?

A helpful discovery for kid people was the discovery of mirror neurons. This is a gigantic concept and if it were possible I would have bells and whistles going off in this article to bring attention to this. Daniel Goleman in “Social Intelligence” (Bantam) explains it this way,

“One person’s inner state affects and drives the other person. We’re forming brain-to-brain bridge – a two-way traffic system – all the time.”

In other words, we can catch each other’s emotions.

Essentially mirror neurons allow what is happening in your brain to be projected onto other people. When you smile, it can activate the mirror neurons in another person’s brain and they will mirror your expression. Are you beginning to see what an important concept this is when working with those sad or angry children from divorce in your classes?

Have you ever been having a bad day – the type of day where you feel grumpy and out of sorts? You walk into a store and the sales person greets you with a smile and all of her interactions with you are upbeat and positive. All of a sudden, you feel your mood lifting and you are not quite so grumpy any longer? These are mirror neurons at work. Kids mimic your expressions

“Mirror neurons show you what it’s like to experience what others do” (Bruce Perry, Born for Love)

Mirror neurons at work – “Have a good day.”

When I owned a child care, I used to wonder when I was having a bad day why the children and even some of my staff seemed to fit right in and experience a bad day also. Now I know. Their mirror neurons were mimicking what was going on in my brain. I learned that no matter what I was feeling or thinking when I went into any room I went in humming or singing and with smile on my face. I had to think to myself,

“Have a good day.”

One of the biggest compliments I have ever received was when a staff person said to another staff,

“What I admire about Linda is the fact that no matter what the day has brought or what time it is, she always enters my room singing. It can be 6:30 in the morning or 5:00 in the afternoon and she could have been here all that time but she still comes in singing and never ceases to lift my spirits.”

Mirror Neurons and the Child of Divorce

Children of divorce see a lot of grumpy and angry people. These expressions are especially true at the beginning of the separation of their parents. The parents might be sad, angry, distracted, confused and worried. Many times their facial expressions say it all. Kids see this day in and day out. When they come to church they need to experience positive and upbeat emotions. They need to experience joy and have leaders that ooze with joy, joy in the Lord.

Imagine being a lonely and confused child and the main adults in your life are negative and distracted. Now imagine walking into the Lord’s house and seeing happy, joyful and calm adults who seem to be having a good time. It makes it easy for a child to perk up. With the concept of mirror neurons, and our understanding of them, we know we can make things even better for these children.

Giggling is contagious. Having a good time is infectious. Build relationships with these children and count on those all powerful mirror neurons to mirror your facial expressions back to you. It’s so easy and it’s free!

“All the days of the afflicted are evil; but he that is of a merry heart hath a continual feast.” Proverbs 15:15 (KJV)

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This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on January 20, 2012.

This video from Sentis is part of a series of videos that explore how the brain works. This installment examines emotions and the brain in language that is very easy to understand.

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