“‘I hate Divorce,’ says the Lord God of Israel”

For some church leaders and children’s workers, it may be hard to truly understand what happens with a child of divorce inside their heads, within their hearts and under their skin.

Plainly stated, children lose their family. They lose a mom and dad living together as a unit. While this may seem like it is a simple statement, it has monumental outcomes when it comes to living the life of a child. Family is where you are supposed to feel safe, carefree and loved. It is where you learn to navigate life. It is where you learn what you believe and you are able to experiment with values and learn family traditions. It is part of who you are when you grow up and become an adult.

Children go from living in one world, which is hard enough when you are little kid, to living in two completely different worlds with different rules, values and many times beliefs. At times these worlds collide and then continue to change rapidly. It is hard to figure out schedules and logistics. Many times a child doesn’t even know who is picking them up from school or where they are going to spend the night let alone understand what mom or dad believe about God.

Everything may become uncertain to the child. Questions such as,

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On the issue of why divorce threatens a child’s sense of being, Andrew Root writes in his book, The Children of Divorce: The Loss of Family as a Loss of Being:

It is my belief that our humanity (and very being) is upheld in community. for each one of us, the most significant and core of these communities is the one mad up of a biological mother and father. Witout their community, their would be no child. So when that community is destroyed, it is a threat to the child’s being. Divorce, therefore, should be seen as OT just the slit of a social unit, but the break of the community in which the child’s identity sts. Divorce is much more than a psychological or sociological reality. It is about something deeper than economic advantage, psychological stability, or social capital. Divorce is a threat to a child’s very ontology, to his or her very being…when the community that rated a child dissolves, the child is left exposed not only psychologically and socially, but ontologically.

It the remainder of the book, he skillfully and convincingly argues that the reason so many people underestimate the impact of divorce of children is because they do not realize the ontological impacts of divorce. Ontology is the branch of metaphysics that deals with the study of the nature of existence or being. In other words, Root shows how divorce not only impacts a child emotionally and socially, but at the very core, divorce causes children to question their very sense of being. after all, if the two people who created a child are no longer together, and the community they spent their first years in no longer exists, why do they exist?

Root explains how, as children, we draw our sense of being primarily from the family we are a part of. When that family is torn apart, the child not only must adjust to the many changes that divorce brings but also wrestle with why they even exist. The book is a “deep read,” but I do recommend it for anyone who knows or works with children. If you work with any number of kids, statistics show that you likely work with some whose parents have divorced. This book will help you to understand what they are going through.

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In “On the Importance of Parents Getting Along After A Divorce” from the Huffington Post, Shanon Bradley-Colleary shares an important first hand account on the importance of her parents getting along after their divorce.  So many times, children of divorce are left reeling and wondering why they even exist in the face of their parents divorce.  Ms. Bradley-Colleary’s experience was what you might call a success story:

Sitting at a table listening to my parent’s talk about these escapades — with my stepmom laughing along — made me feel like I am something more than a beloved mistake. They had a history and a story that had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with me becoming the person I am today.

I love my parents — the three I have remaining and my stepdad Guido who is gone, but has left his mark on me too. Despite all of my poor-me-child-of-divorce-violin-in-A-minor sonatas, I had great parents. I have great parents. And I’m grateful, grateful, grateful that they love each other. Thanks mom and dad.

ARTICLE LINK: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shannon-colleary/when-your-divorced-parent_b_3007254.html

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Most of us never think of children needing respite care. When I owned a child care facility we provided “respite child care” for foster care moms and dads. Some of the kids had so many issues that the foster parents needed a day away from the kids. They needed time to regroup and regenerate themselves. Some just needed a day to rest.

The foster care children came to us for the entire day. After a full day of activities with people that knew how to help them, how to keep them in control and stimulate their creativity, they went home to a rested foster care family. It worked out well because the kids got a break and the families got a break.

In case you are wondering exactly what the word respite means, I looked it up for you. The meaning that makes sense for us in regards to children of divorce is, “Respite: An interval of rest or relief.”

After Thanksgiving and along with the up and coming holidays, some children of divorce are going to need a place of respite. They are going to need to feel the hands of Jesus encircle them. Ask if they would like a hug. Many will reciprocate. They are going to need to hear the voice of loving Christian souls speak soothing words to them. They need an interval of rest or relief from their hectic, chaotic and confusing world. Your Sunday morning group can provide the respite some so desperately need.

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Anger is a common emotion in children of divorce – anger at their parents, anger at siblings, anger at circumstance, anger at themselves, anger ant the world, and anger at God.

We saw this over and over again in the survey we are currently conducting of adult children of divorce (names have been changed to protect confidentiality, the numbers following the name represent age at the time of divorce and age at time of survey).

Chloe echoed a very common view of God amongst children of divorce:

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Families Change is a site from the Justice Education Society in British Columbia. It is a guide for teens to parental separation and divorce. Written on a teen level it deals with what is happening, changes, emotions, strategies, the law, and frequently asked questions. The website is also available in French.

Families Change explains why it exists:

Separation and divorce have a profound impact on all family members. Loss of security is often coupled with intense feelings of grief. The stress can be overwhelming for kids, teens and parents.

Within each section, various issues facing teens whose parents are separated or divorced are addressed including: Continue reading

Single parents come to me all the time asking for help in disciplining their children. Remember they are parenting alone and there is no one in the house with them late at night or on a day-to-day basis to help them parent their children. It can get overwhelming to say the least.

Here are ten examples of some of the kinds of questions I get about parenting alone. Sometimes single parents need a more in-depth answer depending on variations such as age, developmental abilities or other situations. For our purposes here these answers are short and to the point.

Please feel free to share with the single parents in your church.

1. What do I do when my toddler screams at me and I can’t get him to pick up his toys?

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In speaking to parents, one thing we hear over and over is something to the effect of, “I really think my children benefit from the divorce because…” In 2013, HuffPost Divorce asked the following on Facebook and Twitter:

“We want to know: What’s one way your child has actually benefited from your divorce?”

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“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Gandhi

Divorce can be a major stumbling block to our happiness and personal growth. Holding grudges and resentments have been proven to be harmful to your physical health and emotional well-being. Forgiveness is a productive way to move forward, detach from the past and let go of lingering hurts so you can experience a healthier, more promising future.

It is not uncommon to resent the people closest to us because they have often done us some harm such as violating our trust through a lie, betrayal, deceit or abuse. However, resentment comes at a big cost to you.

When you can’t let go of hurt and anger, it builds into a resentment or grudge. That feeling can take hold of you growing to envelope your whole life and all of your thoughts. Resentments make it difficult to enjoy your present life. They define who you are and how you act. Grudges are like mental poison that doesn’t hurt anyone else, but you. When you hold on to a grudge, it makes you bitter, which depletes you of your strength and reduces your overall well-being.

Here are some common behaviors that indicate you may be holding on to a grudge:

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Divorce is hard. There is no doubt about it. When parents divorce, kids will mourn the loss of their intact family, the loss of time and availability of one or both parents and the loss of life as they had know it. Divorce hurts, and kids suffer – most often they suffer more than even their parents who are getting divorced. But, there is hope. Things can get better, and though life will never be the same, it is possible to create a new normal.

Psalm 126 is a Psalm of new beginnings. It recounts times in the past where God has restored the fortunes of his people. It reminds us that:

Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! [Psalms 126:5 ESV]

God does not promise us a life devoid of trials and tribulations. However, in a relationship with him we can find joy. Out of the sadness of our lives, God can and does bring us joy and contentment. There will come a day when God will wipe every tear away from the face of believers, and we can hope in that day. However, the Bible also tells us that God has, can and will turn tears shed today into joy tomorrow.

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