Can a pet be helpful to your children during a divorce and the transition after? Without a doubt! If your family has one or more pets, let your children have access to them as much as they desire. There is a great emotional benefit to your children, and they are fortunate that the pets they love can still be in their lives.

If you don’t already have a pet, I recommend getting one – but only if you are in a position to be responsible to that innocent animal during this time of additional stress in your life. If a family pet is out of the question, please consider giving your children time to play with the pets of friends and family. Take them to petting zoos. Allow them contact with other life forms that can give them joy at a time when they are likely experiencing stress and insecurity.

Here are six key benefits a pet provides for families coping with divorce:

1. Unconditional Love: It has been proven that pets are a source of support and unconditional love for children. During and after divorce, when there is so much instability in a child’s life, a beloved pet can be the bridge to sanity. While much around them may be changing, sweet Fluffy is still there to love them and be by their side.

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Recently the Children’s Pastor’s Conference was held at the Disney World Conference Center in Orlando, FL. I’ve been to other conferences at this location, and something I’ve notice every time is the way Disney treats children. This got me to thinking about how our churches treat children. Today, I want to explore some concepts and ideas that sparked my imagination when it comes to ministering to the child of divorce in our churches.

1. No matter who is checking in or walking through the gates of Disney World the children are noticed first.

Do your teachers or greeters notice the children first?

2. Disney staff people are pleasant and accommodating to everyone. Most smile when talking to a child or an adult.

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In“Divorce Through Their Eyes,” we look at firsthand accounts of children who have been there and can recount from their own experience how divorce affected their lives.

Today’s story comes from a 16-year-old young gentleman named Zane Vanderberg who shares a little bit about his life, and the life of his two younger brothers, since his parents separated in this August 1, 2012 article from Huffington Post titled The Musings of a 16-Year-Old with a Cheating Dad.

The article begins with recounting of how his father had cheated on his mother and how he knew about it even before his mom. From there Zane shares some insight into what his family looks like today:

I have read the articles that state that children are resilient and not terribly affected by divorce. I can say with absolute certainty that this has not been the case in my family after my mother discovered another secret affair and subsequently left my father. I have not spoken to him in almost two years.

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Preparing to break the divorce news to your kids? Wondering how to broach the subject and how much to share? How your children will react and how to handle their questions?

Well you’re not alone. Talking about divorce to your children is tough. You don’t want to make errors you will regret.

There are many common mistakes parents make at this time. Here are five of the most important you should avoid:

• Blaming or speaking disrespectfully about your children’s other parent. It creates pain, guilt and confusion for your kids. They wonder, “If there’s something wrong with Dad/Mom, there must be something wrong with me for loving them.” This can damage your parental relationship.
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Welcome to part two of our review of Was It the Chocolate Pudding?: A Story for Little Kids about Divorce written by Sandra Levins.  In this installment, we sit down with the author to ask various questions about divorce and helping children with divorce. Make sure to check out yesterday’s installment for our review of the book.

An Interview With the Author

In writing this review, I knew I wanted to reach out to the author to get some additional insight into her thought process behind the book. I was very excited when Sandra Levins agreed to an interview. The following are my questions, and her answers, about the book, children of divorce and other issues. I hope you enjoy reading them as much I did.

1. What inspired you to write Was It The Chocolate Pudding?

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When it comes to children of divorce, one thing that has changed in recent years is the number of books available for and about children of divorce. In many ways, this is a step in the right direction, but with more availability comes more need for discernment about good vs. bad resources. At Hope 4 Hurting Kids, we are committed to helping you to sort out the good from the bad. With that in mind, we continue review these resources to give you our thoughts and opinions.

In today’s installment, we are reviewing a book called Was It The Chocolate Pudding?  Come back tomorrow for an interview with the author and a combined pdf copy of both the review and the interview.

About the Book

I have been looking forward to reading this book since I first heard about it. Let’s face it, the title and cover art are catchy. Plus, as someone who works with kids, I can almost imagine a child, in a timid voice, asking “Was it the chocolate pudding?” So, I was curious to see how chocolate pudding relates to divorce and hopeful that I could add another book to my list of recommended reading for children experiencing their parents’ divorce. Was It the Chocolate Pudding?: A Story for Little Kids about Divorce was written by Sandra Levins and Illustrated by Bryan Langdo. It was published in 2006 by Magination Press and addresses a serious concern for many children of divorce – whether or not they did something that caused the divorce of their parents. Check out this review, and make sure to read our interview with Sandra Levins tomorrow.

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This series is co-written by Linda Ranson Jacobs and Wayne Stocks. Linda has drawn on her years of experience working with children of divorce in a childcare setting, in churches and in developing the Divorce Care for Kids (“DC4K”) curriculum for churches to identify and explain some major issues when it comes to ministering to children of divorce and to explain how those issues were addressed in the DC4K curriculum. Wayne has drawn on his years volunteering in children’s ministry and his work with children of divorce to provide some practical advice on how these issues can be addressed in a weekly children’s ministry environment. Together, we hope that this series will help children’s ministry workers better minister to children of divorce and help those who volunteer in divorce ministries like DC4K to better anticipate and deal with issues unique to children of divorce.

Introduction

Over the past few weeks in this “Culture Shock” series, we have endeavored to give you a lot of information about ministering to the child of divorce. We have, hopefully, educated you about their lives and have presented various scenarios to help you understand that ministering to the child of divorce may be different than ministry in a traditional children’s ministry.

In the first article we talked about “that child” showing up. We hope you have had a change of heart about “that child” because “that child” needs you, and he or she may have something to teach you about ministering to other children involved in family trauma and crisis.

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This series is co-written by Linda Ranson Jacobs and Wayne Stocks. Linda has drawn on her years of experience working with children of divorce in a childcare setting, in churches and in developing the Divorce Care for Kids (“DC4K”) curriculum for churches to identify and explain some major issues when it comes to ministering to children of divorce and to explain how those issues were addressed in the DC4K curriculum. Wayne has drawn on his years volunteering in children’s ministry and his work with children of divorce to provide some practical advice on how these issues can be addressed in a weekly children’s ministry environment. Together, we hope that this series will help children’s ministry workers better minister to children of divorce and help those who volunteer in divorce ministries like DC4K to better anticipate and deal with issues unique to children of divorce.

Behavioral Issues

Many children of divorce exhibit behavior issues. As you have learned from reading other articles here on DivorceMinistry4Kids you know these children live stress-filled chaotic lives. Oftentimes, they are overcome with anger and confusion and guilt. They are confused, scared, depressed and angry children. In many circumstances these underlying feelings manifest themselves in acting out. They act out their feelings through their behavior. Researchers are now realizing that family crisis and trauma can lead to disruptive behaviors in kids. (If you want to learn more learn more about this subject read, “Are these sings of mental illness in kids? Or normal response to childhood trauma? http://acestoohigh.com/2012/08/30/are-these-signs-of-mental-illness-in-kids-or-normal-responses-to-childhood-trauma/)

In traditional children’s ministry, many leaders have been taught that when a child has disruptive behaviors in class, that the right thing to do is take them to their parents. Alternatively, when the child’s parents come to pick their child up after service, we pull them aside and talk privately with the parents about the behavior issue. We do this in love and respect for the family, and we usually try to partner with the parents in helping their child to overcome those issues. We might ask the parent about what is going on in the child’s life and if there are any new issues we should be aware to help us better provide for their child. In other words, communication with the parents is paramount in helping their children in our church classes. This approach is rooted in the idea that parents are meant to be the primary spiritual nurturers of their children, and our role as children’s ministers is to come alongside them and assist in that role.

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This series is co-written by Linda Ranson Jacobs and Wayne Stocks. Linda has drawn on her years of experience working with children of divorce in a childcare setting, in churches and in developing the Divorce Care for Kids (“DC4K”) curriculum for churches to identify and explain some major issues when it comes to ministering to children of divorce and to explain how those issues were addressed in the DC4K curriculum. Wayne has drawn on his years volunteering in children’s ministry and his work with children of divorce to provide some practical advice on how these issues can be addressed in a weekly children’s ministry environment. Together, we hope that this series will help children’s ministry workers better minister to children of divorce and help those who volunteer in divorce ministries like DC4K to better anticipate and deal with issues unique to children of divorce.

The Need for Relationships

As people who work with children we understand it is important to connect with the children in our care. By connecting with the children we build relationships with them. As adults in the religious realm we know the importance of a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. We build relationships with the parents in our ministry. We work on our relationships with our family, with neighbors and with other children’s ministers. I think we can agree that healthy relationships are important in our world today.

For some children though, relationships with those they love have been destroyed or marred. These are the children of divorce and/or separation. The very people they trust the most have hurt them deeply. The people they desire to have a relationship with the most, their parents, have bitterly disappointed many of them. When these kids come to church, it is so very important to work on rebuilding that trust and forming relationships with them.

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This series is co-written by Linda Ranson Jacobs and Wayne Stocks. Linda has drawn on her years of experience working with children of divorce in a childcare setting, in churches and in developing the Divorce Care for Kids (“DC4K”) curriculum for churches to identify and explain some major issues when it comes to ministering to children of divorce and to explain how those issues were addressed in the DC4K curriculum. Wayne has drawn on his years volunteering in children’s ministry and his work with children of divorce to provide some practical advice on how these issues can be addressed in a weekly children’s ministry environment. Together, we hope that this series will help children’s ministry workers better minister to children of divorce and help those who volunteer in divorce ministries like DC4K to better anticipate and deal with issues unique to children of divorce.

Why Mixed Age Groups Matter for Children of Divorce

Many times when parents bring their children to church as soon as the family hits the front door of the church everyone separates. Each child goes into a different classroom, and the adults may even go to a different building for their time of worship. While I understand there are good reasons for this type of arrangement, for the child of divorce this can be a daunting experience.

The majority of couples heading toward a divorce have pulled away from the church and, at the very least, their attendance becomes sporadic. Some people after a divorce find it difficult to attend the same church they had as a couple, so they will find a new church to attend. So the entire “church thing” can be a frightening experience to children of divorce.

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