A few years back, my then nine-year old daughter (Lyndsey) and I went to her school’s Father/Daughter Mother/Son Valentine’s Day Dance. I brought her flowers and she had a corsage. I ironed a shirt and put on my suit. She got dressed up, and we headed off for the elementary school gym. When we got there (we were fashionably late), the place was packed. The second we walked in the door, my daughter announced,
“Bye, I’m going to find my friends,”
“Helping Teens Adjust to Stepparents” from the TeensHealth portion of KidHealth.org helps teens deal with adjusting to having a new stepparent. Many times adjusting to a parent dating and/or getting remarried can be harder than the initial divorce. The article does not sugar coat the situation:
In some families, new adults and kids seem to fit in easily, as though they’ve been there all along. But some families brought together through marriage can be so different that the best everyone can do is grit their teeth and work hard to get through a weekend together…Sometimes a stepparent can feel like a stranger who is suddenly inserted into the most personal aspects of your life. The pressure to get along can be intense.
Despite these issue, the article presents some practical things teens can do to adjust to these new step family situations including advice on how to deal with emotions like:
Click here to download the My Family’s Changing Activity Book for Teens.
Background
The “My Family’s Changing Activity Book for Teens” was developed and published by Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) in England. “Every year Cafcass helps over 140,000 children and young people who are going through care or adoption proceedings, or whose parents have separated and are unable to agree about future arrangements for their children. Cafcass is the voice of children in the family courts and helps to ensure that children’s welfare is put first during proceedings.”
The book starts by explaining why this is all happening: Continue reading
“Advice for Parents on Dating After Divorce” is a little bit on the simplistic side when it comes to advice about dating after a divorce, but if you are in that position it does offer some solid advice for how to make it easier on your kids.
Here is an excerpt from the article:
You thought dating was hard the first time? Here you are, single again, but this time with children. You finally meet someone you really, really like and want to introduce him to your kids. How do you go about it? What if your youngsters don’t like him? What if he doesn’t like them? What if it doesn’t work out?
Before you even think about introducing your children to your new boyfriend, you need to have been dating for at least six months. No, I’m not crazy. Didn’t your last relationship end in divorce? You don’t want that to happen again and you certainly don’t want your children to go through that again. It takes at least six months to begin to really know a person. You don’t want to introduce someone and one month later have to explain to your children why they don’t see “Mike” anymore.
Click here to download My Family’s Changing Activity Book for Children.
Background
The “My Family’s Changing Activity Book for Children” was developed and published by Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) in England. “Every year Cafcass helps over 140,000 children and young people who are going through care or adoption proceedings, or whose parents have separated and are unable to agree about future arrangements for their children. Cafcass is the voice of children in the family courts and helps to ensure that children’s welfare is put first during proceedings.”
The book starts with the very important observation: Continue reading
From MU Extension at the University of Missouri-Columbia, “A Guide for Teachers on Helping Children Adjust to Divorce” is a guide designed specifically for school teachers on helping children deal with their parents’ divorce. The article explains:
Schools can play an important role in helping children make a positive adjustment to their parents’ divorce. This guide suggests ways that schools, preschools and childcare centers can support children through difficult family transitions. By working together, families and schools can form a network of support that promotes healthy child development.
The resource covers four key elements which drive a successful family-school relationship:
“Helping Children Build Stepfamilies That Work” from Kidshealth.org will help children dealing with step and blended families. It covers issues like getting used to stepparents, what to do if you can’t get along with your new stepparent and how to make a healthy transition into a step family.
The article offers a realistic picture of what a child might be going through:
Suddenly having a new adult in your life and your home can be really tough. You’ll probably have lots of questions, like what you should call your stepdad or stepmom. (Some families use the person’s first name.)
You also might wonder about rules and whether you really have to listen to your stepparent even if he or she is not your real mom or dad. A stepparent is another adult who’s looking out for you, so it’s best to give him or her the same level of respect you give your own parents, coach, or teacher at school.
Rosalind Sedacca shares seven keys to making your co-parenting relationship work for your kids following a divorce. Although you can’t eliminate the impact of divorce on your kids, working together and following some basic rules can make post-divorce life easier on your kids.
Rosalind explains,
As a divorce and parenting coach, I’ve found that children of divorce do best when both of their parents continue to be actively involved in their lives. It’s the ongoing connection that makes the positive difference for these children, minimizing the fact that their parents no longer live together.
That’s why co-parenting is so universally encouraged after divorce as a significant way to reduce the long-term emotional impact on children. Co-parenting styles and arrangements can differ widely from family to family to suit their individual needs. However, most all professionals agree that co-parenting will only succeed if some basic agreements are made and kept and significant mistakes are avoided.
From MU Extension at the University of Missouri-Columbia, the purpose of “Helping Children Understand Divorce” is to provide parents and other adults with guidance on how to help children understand their parents’ divorce. It includes information on how to tell children about divorce and how to talk with children about divorce. From the child’s perspective, this resource includes a list of six things that kids need from mom and dad in the face of a divorce. It also includes suggestion on specific books you can use to help kids understand divorce along with a brief description of each book.
All of those are great resources, but the most useful tool included in this publication is a two page pamphlet that lays out information about divorce for each age/stage of development for a child (infants, toddlers, preschool and early elementary and preteens and adolescents). For each stage, the pamphlet includes information on what the child understands at that age, children’s thoughts and feelings and what parents can do for children at each age.
LINK TO RESOURCE:
LINKhttp://www.divorceandchildren.com/
Divorce and Children: Advice for Parents on Putting Children First is the homepage of Christina McGhee. Christina is a divorce coach and parent educator. The focus of her work is on “helping children and families successfully manage the challenges of divorce.” The focus of much of what Christina does is to help children and families to use the difficult events and circumstances they find themselves in as a result of divorce as a catalyst for positive change.
