For the next few weeks we will look at how understanding what is happening in the brains of children of divorce will allow you to develop better relationships and impact these kids in a positive manner.

The brain is an amazing and incredible part of the human make up. God in His amazing creation created the human brain that can out last, out do and out perform any computer or electronic gadget now or those yet to be discovered.

What are mirror neurons?

A helpful discovery for kid people was the discovery of mirror neurons. This is a gigantic concept and if it were possible I would have bells and whistles going off in this article to bring attention to this. Daniel Goleman in “Social Intelligence” (Bantam) explains it this way, Continue reading

There is something about the start of a new year that gets me excited. Maybe it is the thought that things can start over. Sometimes it is a new opportunity to right the wrongs done in the past year. It is chance to explore optimism for the future year.

When you are doing the Lord’s work it is an exciting to see what God has in store for the up and coming year. Every year I wonder where the Lord is going to take me; how He is going to stretch me; and who He is going to bring to me to minister to about the love of Jesus. Sometimes I wonder what hurting children He will place before me this next year. And to be truthful, sometimes I worry that I might miss those children. That is a huge concern for me!

What if a child is trying to reach out, but they have masked their worries so much that I don’t recognize they are reaching out? Kids of divorce are very good at saying one thing but meaning another. They are good at hiding their true feelings. I guess since they have to be careful living in two homes, keeping secrets from “the other parent,” that they learn to hide their problems so well that when it comes to asking for help, they might not know how. That is where children’s ministers and church leaders are going to have to be vigilant to read these children.

I realize most of you don’t have time on Sunday to try to “read” how every child is feeling. I also realize that many of you don’t know which child is living in a single parent home. You may not know that a child has listened to his parents fighting. Or that the cute little blond seemingly happy-go-lucky little girl is worried about her dad who moved out a few weeks ago.

Continue reading

For those of us that work with hurting children, another year has come to pass and hopefully we have made a difference. I have been thinking about the children the Lord has placed in my path to minister to this past year. There were some happy and joyful times, and there were some very sad and difficult times. I think about the children whose mom committed suicide and the kids whose dad died in an auto accident. I also think about the children of divorce. There were so many of them.

I know though that all of us that work with children have the richest job on the planet. We get the pleasure of ministering to the innocent children that have an innate desire to love the Lord.

“I love Jesus with my whole heart, all of it.”

She says as she is drawing a picture of a heart.

Continue reading

“And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, ‘Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.’” Luke 2:8-11 (NIV)

For those of us that work in children’s ministries we know the above scripture is the beginning narrative for the shepherds to begin their journey to look for the baby who would be the Messiah. We understand that there must have been great excitement and joy for the shepherds. We want to carry that excitement about the news of baby Jesus to the children in our ministries. Most of the time their parents join in the excitement and jubilation, and we count on the parents continuing the story of Christmas at home.

We might go around saying “Merry Christmas” to all who can hear. The Sunday before Christmas the phrase, “Merry Christmas” is usually heard all over the children’s area as leaders and teachers wish the kids and parents this saying as everyone is leaving. While most smile and give you a similar wish, the single parent may only nod or appear to be in another world. Some may mumble a “Merry Christmas” back, but for many “Merry Christmas” is a dreaded wish many divorced parents hate to hear.

Continue reading

Many times in children’s ministries at Christmas time you will hear children of divorce voice their concern about Christmas and their missing parent. These children may express the desire for the missing parent to come home again. Your first inclination might be to jump in and try to help this family celebrate a Merry Christmas with everyone together again. I would caution you to be very careful in attempting an endeavor like this.

There are many reasons this should not happen. If it is the first Christmas a family has been separated, children may be exhibiting sadness and apprehension about the approaching holidays. Some might even beg their parents to celebrate Christmas together. Many times this is done in the hopes that their parents will remember how much they used to love each other. Kids will be dreaming and maybe even conniving about how to “help” their parents fall in love again.

Sometimes it is one of the parents who may be unduly influencing the child. For some children they may be getting pressure from the parent that was left. That parent may be feeding the child ideas so the child will try to convince the other parent to return home just for the holidays or just for one day – Christmas.

Some divorced parents may come to you asking for your help. They may say it’s best for the kids if the other parent will just return home for the holidays. Keep in mind that the family unit the kids have known has changed. The kids may be getting used to a new schedule and routines. While they may want the other parent to come home, they have been learning how to live in two different homes. If the parent comes home, it will mean another change for the children to experience. And then, what happens if (and generally when) the parent leaves again right after Christmas?

Continue reading

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Continue reading

Recognizing the plight of children of divorce at Christmas time can help children in divorced families stay connected to the church and attentive to the birth of Christ during the holidays.

Christmas Through the Eyes of the Child of Divorce

While most people get excited about the holidays, children from divorced homes often go into a depression, get very anxious or simply disconnect when preparing for all of the events associated with Christmas. Sometimes, this is related to the uncertainty surrounding which home they will be in when celebrating various events. Other times, it might be because they really want to be with both parents during the holidays but know that that is not possible. This leads to a feeling of being overwhelmed. Or they may fantasize about their parents getting back together. When that doesn’t happen, they can become angry or sad. Many children of divorce simply feel lost during the holidays so they disconnect.

With all the rushing around at the holidays for parties, church, concerts, plays, shopping and more, single parents still have to work. They still have to parent alone, and stress abounds. Children may feel the stress of the Christmas celebration times two – two homes and two parents. You might say they experience double whammies of both stress and holiday celebrating.

Continue reading

Thanksgiving is now a memory and Christmas looms before us. For some kids Christmas is an exciting time of the year. For many kids Christmas may mean staying up late, no school, visits with relatives, presents and candy. As people who work with kids, we want them to find the true meaning of Christmas. The emotions of Christmas in a child of divorce may be very different than what you are used to.

Most of you will go overboard trying to relay the story of the baby Jesus and his humble birth with special lessons and activities. There will be special Christmas musicals; special holiday parties or celebrations; perhaps even caroling events also.

We want kids to come to church and enjoy the “specialness” of this time of year. That’s why I want to start early this year asking you to prepare yourself for the child of divorce. If it is a child’s first Christmas after the separation or divorce of their parents, you might want to be prepared for a variety of feelings to be exhibited. Depending on how recent the divorce was, the child may appear to be in shock, or the child may be confused not sure of what their feelings are.

If it has been several months, and the child has begun to process the divorce, you may find some anger feelings emerging in your classes. If the child feels safe with you, then don’t be surprised if a lot of anger comes out. Some children will hold their anger in when they are around their parents. They don’t want to upset their already stressed and/or angry parents. But, when they get to a safe place and if you have developed a relationship with them, then they will let their guard down and express themselves.

Continue reading

When parents divorce, children are more likely to lose their connections with those around them. Many of us in the Christian world have known that children are born to connect. We have observed and watched as children become disconnected. Many problems facing young people today are due in large part to our failure to meet the children’s most basic human need for connectedness.

Rituals help children connect with you, the leaders. Rituals bond relationships together. Divorce brings many changes to the child. The child loses the two-parent home and access to both parents under the same roof. The children may experience the loss of their self-esteem and their sense of well-being. They may lose a lifestyle. They lose their things, and some even lose the home they have always known. Children may attach themselves to their things, and then when those things disappear, the children get confused. Things and possessions bring a sense of comfort, control and a sense of order to a child’s life.

Connecting through rituals

With the divorce rate, our families have only gotten weaker. While we may not be able to stop the divorce rate immediately, we can assist the children and go to battle for them in this world of confusion. We can make the children stronger by connecting with them.

Continue reading

Editor’s Note: Linda Ranson Jacobs is back with a “Top Ten” list.  This week, she offers ten ways to pray for children of divorce and their families.  You can access a printer friendly (and shareable) pdf version of this list by clicking anywhere in the list below.