H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

When your parents get separated or divorced, you will experience emotions that you may never have had before.  You will also experience emotions much more deeply than you ever have before.  That is normal.  If your parents just recently told you that they are separating or getting a divorce, you are probably still trying to get used to the idea.  You may even be in shock or denial (unwilling to accept the news).

An announcement like that can cause you to feel sad, angry, depressed, lonely, guilty or many other emotions.  It is important that you find someone to talk to about what you’re feeling and what you’re going through.  Find someone you trust (other than your parents) to share your feelings with.  This can be a trusted adult like a teacher, someone from church, or a family friend.  It is important that you “get it out” and not let your emotions just get “bottled up inside.”

It might not seem like it right now, but with time things will get better.  Your life will never be the same as it used to be, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t be happy again.  Don’t rush it.  Take your time.  It’s ok if you don’t feel happy and and it’s ok if you do.  Everyone is unique, and while your friends may seem happy within months of their parents’ divorce, it might take you a year, or two or more.  Or, you might feel like you’ve finally found happiness again one day only to lose it when something else happens.

Hang in there!  Divorce hurts, and it will hurt for years to come, but you and your parents can create a new normal.  As you get used to the new routine, you will find that the things that used to make you happy can make you happy once again.

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This week we continue our discussion of the incredible amazing brain in children of divorce. There is so much to know about the brain but for some reason those of us in the church realm haven’t connected with the world of science to learn about how this research can benefit the children we work with in our children’s ministries. Today the topic of empathy is an exciting one to me because as I read and understand the Bible. I see that Jesus brought empathy into the world full force.

Empathy is the ability to feel what someone else is feeling. It is the ability to place ones self in the situation a child or another person is experiencing. For the child of divorce, empathy is you in their life experiencing the break up of the intact family.

When you look at a situation from another person’s perspective it gives you the ability to share their feelings.

Empathy is far different from sympathy. Sympathy is feeling or expressing pity or sorrow for a distress or pain that someone is experiencing. Upon learning of the death of a loved one of a friend, we might say, “I am sorry to hear of your loss.” We have sorrow for them. Empathy is different because with empathy you are not just reacting to the emotions of someone else, you feel the same emotions they do. Continue reading

A recent report which enumerated the risks associated with kids whose parents are cohabiting rather than married showed that one of the significant risks for children in those living arrangement was an increased chance of suffering abuse or neglect. In reviewing the statistics set forth in that report, it became evident that the risk of abuse and neglect is a very real risk for children in cohabiting households, children from single parent families and children of divorce. In this article, we will define child abuse and neglect, examine some of the statistics regarding the level of abuse and neglect for children in different living situations, list potential warning signs of abuse and neglect and discuss what to do in the event that you suspect a child is being abused.

Introduction to the Magnitude of Child Abuse and Neglect

We will get to much more detailed statistics on the prevalence of abuse and types of living arrangement which are more prone to abuse and neglect later in this article. However, I think it is important to have some grasp of the magnitude of the problem and why it should be important to anyone who works with kids on a regular basis. According to the January 2010 report entitled “Fourth National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect (NIS-4) from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (referred to herein as NIS-4), over 1.2 million children suffer harm from child abuse or neglect per year. That equates to 17.1 children per 1,000 or approximately 1 in every 58 children. When children who are endangered by abuse or neglect are added to those figures, the numbers rise to over 2.9 million kids or 39.5 per thousand. That equates to one in every 25 children. The reach and magnitude of abuse and neglect are as varied as the forms of abuse and the types of children who experience it.

In the article “When The Bough Breaks,” Martin Johnson wrote: Continue reading

H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

When parents get a divorce, there are a ton of changes that happen.  Sometimes one parent moves out and you visit them occasionally.  Sometimes both parents may need to move.  Sometimes you continue to see both of your parents regularly.  Sometimes you don’t.  In some divorces, the children even stay in the same house while the parents move in and out depending on who the custody agreement.  Every divorce is different.

Sometimes, children of divorce wonder if they even still belong to a family.  When you travel back and forth between two homes, it sometimes feels like you don’t fully belong in either place.  Are the people in one of those homes your family while the others are not?  Maybe it’s just you and your siblings and one parent.  Is that still a family?  Maybe you live with your grandparents or aunt and uncle since the divorce.  Are they part of your family?  Are your parents still part of your family?  Maybe your mom is remarried.  Are your stepdad and stepsiblings part of your family?  Maybe your Dad divorced your stepmom.  Is she still part of your family?  It can all get really confusing following a divorce.

It all comes down to one questions – What is a family? The fact is that, while living arrangements might change following a divorce, who makes up your family does not.  Your family still consists of your mother and father and siblings and grandparents and aunts and uncles and anybody else who was part of your family before the divorce – whether you still live in the same house or not.  The one change that you may experience, in time, is the addition of new family members.  If your parents get remarried or have additional children following a divorce, you will have new people in your family.  Sometimes that is hard to get used to, and sometimes it takes a while before those people feel like family.  That’s ok.

The important thing is that you not get caught up so much in what the definition of family is.  Instead, be grateful for the people in your life that love you!

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For the next few weeks we will look at how understanding what is happening in the brains of children of divorce will allow you to develop better relationships and impact these kids in a positive manner.

The brain is an amazing and incredible part of the human make up. God in His amazing creation created the human brain that can out last, out do and out perform any computer or electronic gadget now or those yet to be discovered.

What are mirror neurons?

A helpful discovery for kid people was the discovery of mirror neurons. This is a gigantic concept and if it were possible I would have bells and whistles going off in this article to bring attention to this. Daniel Goleman in “Social Intelligence” (Bantam) explains it this way, Continue reading

There is something about the start of a new year that gets me excited. Maybe it is the thought that things can start over. Sometimes it is a new opportunity to right the wrongs done in the past year. It is chance to explore optimism for the future year.

When you are doing the Lord’s work it is an exciting to see what God has in store for the up and coming year. Every year I wonder where the Lord is going to take me; how He is going to stretch me; and who He is going to bring to me to minister to about the love of Jesus. Sometimes I wonder what hurting children He will place before me this next year. And to be truthful, sometimes I worry that I might miss those children. That is a huge concern for me!

What if a child is trying to reach out, but they have masked their worries so much that I don’t recognize they are reaching out? Kids of divorce are very good at saying one thing but meaning another. They are good at hiding their true feelings. I guess since they have to be careful living in two homes, keeping secrets from “the other parent,” that they learn to hide their problems so well that when it comes to asking for help, they might not know how. That is where children’s ministers and church leaders are going to have to be vigilant to read these children.

I realize most of you don’t have time on Sunday to try to “read” how every child is feeling. I also realize that many of you don’t know which child is living in a single parent home. You may not know that a child has listened to his parents fighting. Or that the cute little blond seemingly happy-go-lucky little girl is worried about her dad who moved out a few weeks ago.

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