Chaos and the Child of Divorce

Children of divorce live lives marked by chaos and disorder. There are so many things about the divorce that can cause chaos, it is impossible to list them all, but they can include: loss of the non-custodial parent, moving to a new home, going to a new school, financial difficulties, lack of rules and structure at home, increased responsibility, loss of rituals and routines, arguing parents, differing expectations, lack of planning, step-families, lack of consistency and so much more.

I (Linda) once received the following correspondence from a leader who had children of divorce in her group:

We have two brothers that would much rather run around the room and do everything other than listen to us! They are ages 10 and 8. I’m learning that a lot of times, the kids thrive on chaos and drama.

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Imagine there was a tornado coming at your house. Suddenly and unexpectedly, you have to leave. You have less than five minutes — what do you grab? Unfortunately for children coming into foster care, they may have as little warning that they are entering a devastating emotional storm. Sometimes, even if the county is able to bring over a child’s own clothes and belongings the next day or a week later, the first night in foster care often leaves a child surrounded by strange, alien, unfamiliar items that bring little comfort.  If you can help make them feel welcome, instead of like an unexpected houseguest, that’s a good step in the right direction. Remember, this probably feels like the worst day of this child’s life.

Here’s what I suggest you have on hand:

• A couple blankets and stuffed animal options — You’re probably not going to guess just the right stuffed bear out of all the bears in all the world, but if there’s anything that feels familiar and safe, that’s a win. Same goes for blankets: get a cotton one, a fleece one, a crocheted one, and a dimple dot one. Let the child have any or all that help.
• Clothes that fit — Keep in mind this means you might need pajamas and one versatile, all-season outfit for boys and girls in a huge range of sizes. Not all two-year olds fit a 2T! Get a range and judge what works best. Call friends with older kids and ask for a box of nice hand-me-downs with this night in mind.
• A new toothbrush — Maybe the child won’t want to brush (and I wouldn’t personally recommend dying on your sword for this the first night) but if they are willing, you want to be ready. Same goes for other personal hygiene items, depending on a child’s age: a new hairbrush and comb, a new deodorant, shampoo and lotion options appropriate for the child’s race or ethnicity.
• A crate or a pet-sitter for your critter — Sure, your dog is “part of the family,” but until you know how this new child will react to Fluffy, allow at least this first night without one more “unknown.”
• Easy food — This could mean many different things to many different kids, but having a bunch of choices is a good way to start. Noodles, chicken fingers, tater tots, and pizza with two gallons of ketchup for dipping may not be the healthiest meal, but a few bites of something is probably better than a howling tummy their first night sleeping in your home.
• Baby things — If you are taking foster placements of babies, you should have a good stock of various diaper sizes, wipes, a car seat/booster seat, bottles, formula, a crib, and every single style of pacifier you can possibly locate. (You never know which will be the golden ticket!)

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This series is co-written by Linda Ranson Jacobs and Wayne Stocks. Linda has drawn on her years of experience working with children of divorce in a childcare setting, in churches and in developing the Divorce Care for Kids (“DC4K”) curriculum for churches to identify and explain some major issues when it comes to ministering to children of divorce and to explain how those issues were addressed in the DC4K curriculum. Wayne has drawn on his years volunteering in children’s ministry and his work with children of divorce to provide some practical advice on how these issues can be addressed in a weekly children’s ministry environment. Together, we hope that this series will help children’s ministry workers better minister to children of divorce and help those who volunteer in divorce ministries like DC4K to better anticipate and deal with issues unique to children of divorce.

Children’s Ministry workers are a unique breed. We choose to volunteer and spend our time surrounded by kids striving to teach them about Jesus and the Bible. We enjoy noise and games and the many twists and turns that children’s ministry inevitably brings.

As a group we tend to be a little more free-spirited, but we also take ministering to children very seriously. To that end, oftentimes we get a picture in our minds about how our ministry should operate – how a certain activity should unfold or how a group of kids should act. We get our minds set on what we want to accomplish, train our leaders to move towards that vision and then move forward sometimes faster than we can even keep up. Sometimes, we even settle in and enjoy the fact that everything seems to be running smoothly…that is until “that child” shows up. We love kids, and we have a heart for kids, but “that child” is the difficult one. The one who disrupts the plan and refuses to allow the ministry to operate the way it should. Many times, in today’s day and age, “that child” is a child of divorce. The fact is ministering to a child of divorce, whether in a dedicated group setting like DC4K or in your Sunday morning children’s ministry, presents unique challenges.

Not every person who in children’s ministry is going to be equipped to work with children of divorce. If people have done children’s ministry before or are used to a more traditional children’s ministry, they may go into culture shock when it comes to ministering to children of divorce. Or they may throw up their hands when a child of divorce comes into other church classes.

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My Dear Child,

It’s me – your Heavenly Father. I just want you to know I know what you are going through. I collect all of your tears in a bottle, and I understand. I have felt the pain of rejection. I have suffered through the loss of my family. I have had those closest to me betray me, and I know what it is like to wish things could be different but to know that they never can be.

I know that, at times, you feel like you are all alone – like no one else in the world could ever understand what you are going through at this very moment. I know that the people closest to you have disappointed you and left you feeling empty and forlorn. I know that sometimes you see your self as broken and less than lovely.

Today, I want to remind you who you are to me. You are my masterpiece. I created you before the beginning of the world to accomplish great things for me. I put you together in your mother’s womb before your earthly parents even knew you existed, and I predestined your days on earth. You were created in my image, and I know every hair on your head. I know your thoughts. I know your feelings. I know your fears, and I know your dreams. There is nowhere you can go that I am not there. I will never leave you. I will always be there for you.

I gave up everything I had and came to live among my creation 2,000 years ago because I love you. I lived a perfect life in obedience to God because I love you. I died on the cross as an innocent man to pay the penalty you deserve because I love you, and I rose on the third day because I love you.

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Back in 2013, I put together a montage tracing the changing shape of families on television over the last several decades for a children’s ministry conference I was teaching at. In addition to being an insightful look into the evolution of families, if you grew up we these shows, the video is a fun walk down memory lane.  Enjoy.

This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on October 21, 2013.

Recently I was ministering to a lady that was new to our area. She was from another state and had just moved here. She said she had to get out of an abusive marriage so she came to live with a relative and for some peace and quiet while she sorted out her thoughts.

I am always for trying to save a marriage. Unless the children are in an unsafe environment and the mom’s (or dad’s) safety is at risk, then I will mention the possibility of saving a marriage. As per my normal questions, I asked if there was any hope her marriage could be saved. She almost shouted at me,

“NO! I’ll never go back! Not after what he has put me through.”

I offered to take her through a program called “Choosing Wisely Before You Divorce.” It is about saving one’s marriage. I’ve used it several times. It has some thought provoking questions that help one sort through their feelings wisely before a couple divorces. I’ve seen several marriages saved with this program. If a marriage can’t be helped then this program gives helps for setting some boundaries for oneself as the couple moves towards divorce.

I asked her about her plans; her boundaries and what she would do if he followed her to our area. She had no plans. She had no boundaries, and I knew right then and there that she would go back to him. I knew because she had no plans; hadn’t set any boundaries and hadn’t been able to really think through the situation. She had only survived and probably had only been surviving for several years. Her brain was set on surviving in the moment.

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If you’ve lived with, or been around, any elementary aged children at any point in the last year or so, you are likely familiar with the concept of the bottle flip. The bottle flip is where you take a bottle about a 1/4 full with water and try to flip it and have it land right side up. My own nine-year-old is a self-taught expert and can land a water bottle right side up on an exit sign from across the room.

We’ve taken the concept of the bottle flip and developed a game that helps kids to recognize and talk about emotions. Here’s how Bottle Flip Emotions work:

1. First, print out the pdf template of the game. You can find it by clicking here. It’s designed to be printed on 11 X 17 paper (or similar size). You can print it on smaller paper if you need to, but it will work better on larger sized papers.
2. Feel free to come up with your own method of playing. We play that if you don’t land the flip you have act out the emotion the bottle is pointing to (alternatives include having the child share a time they felt that emotion or a coping skill they can use to deal with the emotion). If the child lands the bottle, they do not have to act out or talk about the emotion.
3. Mix up how you play
   • Make the children stand across the room, or
   • Don’t let the remainder of the group (assuming you’re working with a group of kids) see the results. Have the child act out the emotion and have the other kids guess it.
   • Have two children flip the bottles. The first one to land a bottle wins and the other child has to act out the emotion that the bottle lands on.

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The question we get asked more than any when it comes to kids whose parents are going through a divorce goes something like this:

What do I say to a child in my church who tells me on Sunday that his/her parents are getting a divorce?

Obviously, each situation is different and how you will reply to this situation will depend on the age of the child, your knowledge of the situation and your relationship with the child. However, there are some standard things that are acceptable o say to any child who announces to you that their parents are getting a divorce.

Make no mistakes, that first moment where a child reaches out and tells you that his/her parents are getting a divorce is critical. How you respond may well set the tone for whether or not that child will allow you to walk with them and be a source of strength and wisdom as they go through the divorce and post-divorce process. It is important that you be prepared, and knowing at least the five things covered in this article will be a good first step. So, what should you say to the child who announces that his parents are getting a divorce?

#1: That stinks! I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

Divorce hurts, and it is particularly hurtful to the children involved. Let the child know that you understand that their situation is not one they wish to be in. Don’t try to “happy up” the child or pretend that nothing has changed or that “everything will be ok.” Simply let them know that you know that they are going through something tough.

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We would like to welcome Kelley Rose Waller to the team of Hope 4 Hurting Kids. A published author and devoted Foster Parent, Kelley will be sharing her experiences and insights in the areas of foster families, grief, parenting and other issues we deal with here on Hope 4 Hurting Kids. Her writing is direct and inviting, and we are certain that you will both enjoy her writing and learn from her experiences. We are excited to have her as part of the team!

I don’t know where the line to qualify as a “veteran foster parent” is, but I’m sure I’m not there.  Still, I’ve read a bunch of these kinds of lists written by foster parent bloggers, so I’m adding my thought-socks to the laundry pile.

Here’s what foster momma would like from you…

1. Listen when she talks, but don’t give her suggestions unless you understand the situation. “Have you tried using apricots to help him poo?” is a great any-mom tip. “Did you tell the judge that he’s constipated?” is probably the place where you’ve enter an area you know nothing about.  So, just listen if she complain and tell her you’re praying for God to be glorified in the situation.

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At Hope 4 Hurting Kids, we are committed to getting good resources into the hands of those who work with children of divorce. Many times, that means creating resources for those who work with children of divorce, other times that means bringing pre-existing resources to your attention. The book Dinosaurs Divorce – A Guide For Changing Families by Laurene Kransy Brown and Marc Brown is one such resource intended for children whose parents have gone, or are going, through a divorce.

With over one million children each year suffering through the divorce of their parents, it is encouraging to find resources created specifically for kids. Designed for kids Dinosaurs Divorce is brilliantly illustrated to help kids understand what divorce is and the many changes and emotions that come along with divorce, dating, remarriage and step families.

As the book jacket describes,

If dinosaurs got married, no doubt they, like many families today, had to cope with divorce, too. What they needed was Dinosaurs Divorce. This timely, reassuring picture book is the perfect resource to help young children and their families deal with the confusion, misconceptions and anxieties apt to arise when divorce occurs.

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