Anyone who knows me would not call me a musically inclined person. I am the epitome of the idiom, “He can’t carry a tune in a bucket.” That said, I do like music. There are periods in my life which are marked by a particular song or set of songs, and when I hear those songs I am transported back to that time in my life. Following my adoption into God’s family, I have found that He works through music to readjust my attitude, encourage me or challenge me. The perfect song at the perfect time and place – I do not believe that to be coincidence. Once of my favorite singer/songwriters is Matthew West.

So, as God was really beginning to lay children of divorce on my heart, it was only fitting that Matthew West released his fourth studio album called “The Story of Your Life” in October 2010. For this album, Matthew West collected stories from thousands of fans and wrote songs reflecting those stories. One of the songs really captured heart. As I have travelled down this road of ministering to children of divorce, I have come back consistently to this song. The song is titled “Two Houses” and gives a child’s point of view on his parents’ divorce and ultimately in the healing that comes through a relationship with Christ. I would encourage anyone who is divorced, knows children whose parents are divorced or works kids to watch the video of this song

You can also watch the story behind the making of the video

In it,  Matthew West explained why he wrote the song:

“My heart breaks for families that break.”

Based on letters from his fans, he also reminds us that divorce is a universal problem. He says,

“It’s family of all kinds.”

I wanted to take today, as we approach the one year anniversary of the official launch of Divorce Ministry 4 Kids, to take a closer look at this song and what its lyrics remind us about children of divorce. I encourage you to listen to the song before reading through this commentary. Then, go back and listen once again once you’ve finished reading this article. This song should be the battle cry of those of us who God has called to minister to children of divorce.

This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on July 30, 2012.

This week we are looking at the unofficial anthem of Divorce Ministry 4 Kids.  Make sure you check out Part 1 which was published on Monday.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXzaFR5O4mw

Commentary on Between Two Houses

Well, Mom found her a new place to live
And Dad found him a new girlfriend
Looks like everybody’s moving on

So many times adults view divorce as a painful time in their lives that they are able to “move on” from and be better off. However, to a child, divorce does not work that way. It is not an event that they can just “get over.” It is a fundamental restructuring of the only life they have ever known. As they work through the various stages of life, they relive and replay the event of the divorce again and again. In many ways, it becomes the defining moment of their lives, and many children of divorce think of their lives in two phase: before and after the divorce.

And it’s, “Hey, look on the bright side kid,
Now you’ve got two Christmases
And it’s every other weekend from now on”

One of the most egregious things we can do for children of divorce is try to convince them that they should be happy about the events in their lives. Yet, so many times that’s what people do. “It’s not all bad,” we say, as if two Christmas can make up for the fact that the very foundation of their lives has been ripped out from under them. “Lots of kids have divorced parents,” we tell them, convinced that there is somehow healing in the fact that millions of kids have to suffer through this. “You’ll still see your Dad every other week,” we encourage them, assuming that somehow 4 or 5 days a month is sufficient to replace a lifetime of lost memories. We have to stop trying to “Happy Up” children of divorce and start helping them to process the negative emotions that are inevitable when their parents divorce. Let’s stop trying to make ourselves feel better by convincing ourselves, and telling them, that kids are resilient and start doing the hard work of helping them to heal.

Yeah, but all I want is the way it was
When love would always last forever
And families stayed together

These next lines reveal what I have found to be the heart of so many of the children of divorce I have talked to and read about. They really don’t care that Mom and Dad have moved on or are ready to build new lives. They aren’t interested in the legal struggles of divorce. They just want to go back to a time before their innocence was shattered. They want to be transported back to a time when their parents were the example of what love was. They want to go back to a time where family was the bedrock of their existence and not a fractured foundation of a life.

Back to the day before two houses
When they held my hands when I was little

Children of divorce are forced to grow up way before their time. In a day and age where adolescence is tolerated, if not encouraged, well into young adulthood, these kids are forced to become “mini adults” when they should still be kids. They become confidants to their parents who share information that most kids should never have to, and certainly don’t want to, know. They are forced to mature faster as they fend for themselves and take care of siblings. They are forced to learn how to adapt to new life situations at a very young age that would tax the patience and resolve of most grown-ups. I have heard from parents who explained to me that the divorce was most certainly hard on the kids, but in the end they became responsible adults quicker than they might have otherwise. I believe this is true in many cases, but most parents fail to count the cost – the loss of childhood.

Before I got caught in the middle
Somewhere in between two houses

So many children of divorce divide their lives into two separate and distinct parts – “the time before the divorce” and the “time after the divorce.” In so many ways, it becomes the event that defines their lives, and they long for a simpler time when they were free to be kids and not stuck in the middle of their parents’ divorce.

‘Cause these two houses sure don’t feel like home

This is the reality for millions upon millions of children of divorce. They shuffle back and forth between two houses – between mom and dad – between two separate and distinct lives. They live in two different house, but neither ever feels like home again. Whenever they are with one parent, they are missing the other. They live in two different worlds, and they are in neither 100% of the time.

Wide-eyed wonder grows up fast
Trust is shot and nothing lasts
And I’m thinking maybe it was all my fault

One aspect of living in a divorced home is that is forces kids to face issues that most other children don’t have to face until much later in life. We all eventually face the idea that our parents aren’t perfect, but image having to face that reality at age eight – and worse yet to hear it about your father from your own mother. The foundation of these kids’ lives has been pulled out from under them, and if something as “solid” as their parents can fall apart, they wonder if they can ever really trust in anything again. Nearly every child of divorce I have ever talked to or read about has, at one point in their lives, wondered if they did something to cause the divorce, or if there was something they could have done to prevent it. At an age where kids think that the world revolves around them, it is no wonder that they also believe their new broken world must also have been caused by them.

And will I ever get back to
The innocence that I once knew
Before that Summer turned into Fall
When I close my eyes, I go back in time

I think this verse accurately reflects the sense of longing that so many children of divorce suffer through. They just want to go back. They want to recapture their childhood. They want Mom and Dad to be Mom & Dad again. They don’t want the job of reconciling their parents’ diverse views and opinions on everything. They want to go back and be a kid again.

I heard about a love that never leaves
So I’m asking you to show me
I’m talking to You down here on my knees
Feels like You’ve always known me

The story can be bleak for children of divorce, but it is not without hope. That is what we are all about here at Divorce Ministry 4 Kids. There is hope for these kids, and that hope lies in the one person who will love them unconditionally and eternally. That hope lies is the One who knows their hopes and their fears – their laughter and their tears. That hope lies in One who never changes and One who will never forsake them. That hope lies in God.

When love would always last for- ever
And families stayed together
Back to the day before two houses
You were holding my hand when I was little
You were there when I was in the middle
Somewhere in between two houses
These two houses
These two houses
But tonight my heart has finally found a home

Even in the midst of their hurt and their pain, we must remind these kids that Christ is their Savior. He knows what it is like to separated from His Father, and He did voluntarily for us so that we can live with God the Father forever. He is the Author and Perfecter of our faith who offers His healing to all. He is the Rock that these kids can lean on. In a time when everything in their lives is changing He is the same yesterday, today and forever. And, through it all, He will be there to comfort, to guide and to love them with a never-ending love. In a life where it seems like they no longer have a real home, we must remind them that we all have a permanent home in Christ.

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This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on July 20 and August 01, 2012.

When working with the child of divorce many people make the mistake of thinking these children are always sad, angry or confused. We forget that they are still children who want to laugh, run, jump, play and laugh. We tend to forget they need normal childhood activities.

Children will grieve in spurts, and they will take breaks in the grieving process. Divorce is a long grieving process, and for some children research shows it make take up to ten years to truly process the divorce of their parents. There are many things we can do to help these children during the shock part of the process and also during the longer grieving period.

One idea is to use music to help these children. We know from the many popular praise and worship songs that many people truly worship through music. Sometimes a tune or melody can remind us of happier times in our life. Or it can help us get through rough patches. For years I have said that music has the ability to soothe the soul. This is never truer than when working with the child of divorce.

Because most of these children live high stress lives, music can be used to lessen or relieve some of that stress. Music can have a positive impact on a person’s mood, and it can actually alleviate depression in some people.

One way to lessen stress is to have kids listen to music that is set to 60 beats a minute. This is the normal heart-resting rate. Use this type of music when children are entering your group or class. Once kids are calm you can boost up the beat, rhythm and tempo creating an excitement to the class. Get the kids moving and in their movements teach them to cross from one side of their body to the other side. Cross lateral and cross midline movements will stimulate their brain so thinking and processing information will come easier.

Research in studying the brain and how music affects the brain is revealing some interesting data. We now have reason to believe that musical harmonies actually have the capacity to rewire the brain, creating connections between different regions of the brain.

Some research shows that listening to music can boost memory, attention and learning. I’m fully convinced that anything you want to teach a child can be taught through music.

Other ways music helps the child of divorce:

• Music can convey important ideas and concepts.
• It can relay messages children might not otherwise hear.
• As pathways in the brain become secure, the children will crave the music.
• Music can be lively or soulful.

Anchors and Sails, an online newsletter from Canada by Bev Smith, tells about three studies on the effects of singing. They have concluded that singing:

• Reduces pain perception
• Facilities deep breathing
• Increases energy and confidence
• Reduces stress and depression
• Improves posture and the immune system

Dr. Grenville Hancock performed a study of members of the Canterbury Christ Church University College choir (Canterbury, England), found that

• 87% benefited socially
• 49% reported spiritual benefit
• 75% reported emotional benefit
• 58% reported improved lung function, improved mood and reduced stress

The Senior Singers’ Chorale at Levine School of Music in Washington, D.C., found that among those singers over 55,

• Their voices did not age as quickly.
• Their legs hurt less.
• They had better posture.
• They had better breathing than those their age who did not sing.

A research group at the Johann Wolfgang Goethe University in Frankfurt, Germany, studied secretions of the stress hormone cortisol among choir members on days they sang and on days they only listened to singing. On “singing days” stress hormone levels were reduced.

When ministering to and working with the child of divorce, don’t we want to reduce their stress hormone levels?

Music is powerful. Music is honoring. Music is contagious. Music is empowering. Music brings joy to our hearts. Music draws us closer to God and that is where we want to bring the child of divorce – closer to the Heavenly Father and to a relationship with Jesus Christ.

It is good to praise the Lord and make music to your name, O Most High. (Psalm 92:1)

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This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on March 01, 2013.

The Row Row Row Your Boat Emotion Game is a fun way to talk to kids about emotions and what they sound like. It can be a valuable tool in the The Super Simple Feelings Management Technique for See It, Say It and Mimic It. Here’s how it works:

1. Use a set of emotion cards, an emotion chart or just your own imagination to throw out an emotion to another player.
2. The player must hum the song Row Row Row your boat sounding like the emotion given.
3. Laugh and have fun.

It’s that simple! You can use whatever song you want, but we selected Row Row Row Your Boat as a song that virtually everyone knows. A fun game to play if you have a deck of emotion cards (the Hope 4 Hurting Kids Emotion cards are coming soon) would be to have the player select the emotion then have the other plays guess the emotion being hummed. You could also have the player pick the song they will be doing and have other player name both the emotion and the song. Break into teams and see how many each team can get in a given amount of time.

Credit to my 10-year-old Nathan who helped me come up with this game over dinner after soccer practice. Here’s a little video we made demonstrating the game. Please forgive the poor sound quality – it’s the best we could get with a phone and sitting at Arby’s!

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