Single parents come to me all the time asking for help in disciplining their children. Remember they are parenting alone and there is no one in the house with them late at night or on a day-to-day basis to help them parent their children. It can get overwhelming to say the least.

Here are ten examples of some of the kinds of questions I get about parenting alone. Sometimes single parents need a more in-depth answer depending on variations such as age, developmental abilities or other situations. For our purposes here these answers are short and to the point.

Please feel free to share with the single parents in your church.

1. What do I do when my toddler screams at me and I can’t get him to pick up his toys?

Toddlers respond to singing and playing through a situation. Mad faces and loud voices scare toddlers. He may be reacting to your tone of voice or look on your face. Calm down and sing. Make up your words and use a familiar tune like Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

Brain research shows that when toddlers and young preschoolers get scared a lot of time they turn their fear into something funny. That’s why the more upset a parent becomes the more a toddler runs away laughing and giggling. That tends to upset the parent more and then the toddler laughs more. It becomes a vicious circle. Parents stop take a deep breath, calm down and start over whether it is trying to get a little head into a shirt or the child into bed. Play the toddler through the situation

2. How do I handle it when my son’s 3rd grade teacher calls me to tell me he hasn’t turned in his homework for a week? And it was the week he was at his dads.

Listen to the teacher. Calm down your fears and worries. Approach your son and ask him what he thinks he can do to get his homework in on time – even when he is at dads. I would not confront dad mainly because a 3rd grader needs to take responsibility for his actions. Give your son some choices on what he thinks the consequence should be next time. Decide on your consequences and then follow through at your home.

3. My 14 year-old girl wants to date and I say no, not until your 16 but her dad said, “Sure, you can date when you’re at my house.” How do I handle that?

You can’t control what goes on at the other home. You can set your boundaries for your home. Tell your daughter you trust her to make wise decisions but in your home there will be no dating until she is 16.

4. My 4 yr old wants to know where her daddy is and I don’t know what to say.

Most preschoolers live in the moment. So give him an answer for that moment in time. “Daddy is at work” or “Daddy is at his house.” They really aren’t asking about the divorce/separation but are wondering where daddy is.

5. Eating dinner at my house is a nightmare with my 4 year old. He won’t stay at the table with the older two kids and me to eat.

Before dinner, when everyone is calm, explain that you will all be eating at the table. Also explain that when anyone leaves the table it means they are through eating for the night. Get your 4 yr old to help by setting the table or whatever. When he gets up, take his plate, dump the food and put the plate in the dishwasher. He is done eating for the night. No warning needs to be given, just actions taken.

6. My kid is a whirlwind kid. He won’t sit still at school, runs at day care, fidgets during church. Help!

Your child might be using frenzied activity to keep his mind occupied if there is something bothering him like a recent divorce. Try engaging him in active physical activity like running, shooting hoops, jumping rope, etc. explain you think he is trying to keep his mind occupied and you want to help him. Show him how to journal or draw pictures to keep his mind busy. At church, always have back up markers, paper and pencils! And have a lot of sugarless bubble gum to chew. This will give him something to do with his mouth.

7. My child is so very angry. She screams at me all the time and tells me she wants to go live with her dad but her dad is the one that left. He doesn’t want her living with him.

Many times kids are worried about you abandoning them also so they will test your limits to make sure you aren’t leaving them. In a calm moment explain that no matter what, you are not going to leave her and that you are there to stay. Next, tell her that the judge decided that for now she needs to live with you.

Develop a code of some sort (like pulling on your ear) and explain when her voice starts getting loud her body is telling you she needs to be reassured she is safe with you and you will give her the “code”. If it were me, I’d pull on my ear, wink and give her a half smile.

8. My 14 year old is sneaking out of the house to see her boyfriend that I have forbidden her to see. She won’t listen to me and now she is skipping school

There are more issues than sneaking out of the house and skipping school. First of all get her to a counselor. Second change your parenting style. Sit down and write out your boundaries. Notice I said “boundaries” and not rules. Teens hate “rules”. Ask her what she thinks her consequence should be for each boundary. Pray, think about it and tell her you’ll get back to her. Then write out an agreement with the boundaries and consequence for each. Pray, pray, pray. Have her sign the agreement.

9. My three kids fight all the time. How do I bring peace into this house?

Tell them you are the Safe Keeper* and they are to help you keep things safe. Fighting is not safe. When they start fighting don’t ask, “Who started it?” “Why did you hit your brother?” “What are you fighting about now?” Say, “Fighting is not safe. What could you do that would be safe.” Or “Fighting is not helpful. What could you do that would be helpful?”

You might need to get three journaling books and when they continue to fight, separate them into different rooms and have them write out their side of the story. This time alone will calm them down and give you a moment of peace. You don’t even have to address the fight after the journaling episode unless you just want to. Remember, though, don’t ask the “who, why or what” questions.

*Dr. Becky Bailey, Conscious Discipline, http://consciousdiscipline.com 800-842-2846)

10. I have one child that tattles all the time on his brother. It is driving me crazy. How can I get the tattling to stop?

When he tattles say, “Are you telling me this to be helpful or hurtful?” If he says, “Helpful.” You say, “How is telling me this helpful?” If he says, “Hurtful.” You can say, “In our house we don’t hurt people. What could you do that would be helpful?”

[su_divorce_hc]

This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on November 09, 2012.

As the adult it is imperative that you stay in control. Remember you are constantly modeling for the children in your groups and classes. Think about what you are modeling. When entering a confrontation are you remaining calm or are you exhibiting the very behaviors you’re trying to stop?

Limit your responses

Think about what to say before you approach the child. Tell the child you need time to think about what happened, buy yourself time. Use what I call “the peace maker form”. It’s a piece of paper with three columns on it. The child writes or draws what happened in the first column. In the second column they write or draw what they did. In the third column they put down what the other person did or how they reacted.

This gives the child time to calm down. Sometimes I address the situation at the time. Other times I might wait to address the issues. Sometimes you can address the situation and the child role play what happened or you might talk them through the scenario. Take your cues from the child and the situation.

Empower the child by giving choices

Make sure the choice is possible. Choices empower a child who feels like he or she has no power in their life.

Restate the problem

Use positive terms to state the problem back to the child.

Focus on a success

Describe to the child a success they have had before and build upon that success. “Now Jimmy, remember several weeks ago when you got mad and you went over to the table and drew a picture? You were still mad but you were able to work through the anger by drawing. And know what I’ve still got that picture in my office.”

Let the child “save face”

Allow for face saving for the child, (does it really matter if the kindergarten age child picks up the blocks with a scowl on his face?) What’s the goal here? To get the blocks picked up or not?

Use the following terms

• Oops
• Bummer
• Hmm
• I see
• What’s your plan here?
• Oh well

Ask the child for their ideas

In my child care one time one of our challenging behavior children was using the dinosaurs in the sand table. During his enthusiastic play he had placed the dinosaurs out in the walkway area. When the other children began to complain that they couldn’t get through the teacher entered the scene. Instead of accusing him or telling him he had to put all of the figures back in the sand table she said, “Hmm this is a problem. What’s your plan here?”

He said, “What? What do you mean?” She explained that the figures belonged in the sand table but she just knew he had a plan. What was it? He thought for a minute and said, “I could take all of these dinosaurs to the block area where I’d have more room?”

This child didn’t care about the sand he just wanted to play with the dinosaurs. By using the question “What’s your plan” the staff person was able to de-escalate what could have been a power struggle and potentially volatile situation. She complimented him on his great idea and asked if he needed her to help him move all of the dinosaurs over to the block area.

Meet with the challenging behavior child and ask him what ideas he has. Brainstorm ideas. Sometimes the child will come up with some clever ideas and many times they will be harder on themselves than the adult. Meet with the child at a peaceful time – not when the child is in the throws of an outburst. At times we had the child write out what would take place the next time he or she got out of control. Sometimes we turned this into an agreement and had the child sign and date the agreement.

Avoid always having to have the last word

At times this is hard especially when you have had this argumentative child arguing with you all day. It’s important to remember that as the adult you are always modeling appropriate behaviors to every child. One parenting expert said that children learn 80 percent by example but only 20 percent of what is said to them. In my observations children will generally imitate the adults in their lives.

Develop a plan for when a child loses control completely

1. Keep other children safe – move others out of the way.
2. Or as a last resort, move the child – know in advance where you’re going with him and who will remove the child.
3. Arrange a system to alert other teachers, such as “code red” so they can be prepared to help or get other children out of the way.

Be realistic

For some of these children life is just plain hard. They get discouraged and even depressed. Then they come to church and we expect them to sit down and be quiet and listen. For many experiencing the divorce of their parents sitting down and listening is almost out of their realm.

More Tips

• Avoid situations that will set the child up to fail
• Back off when you see a child getting frustrated
• Catch the child being cooperative
• Laugh and use a sense of humor

Be firm, set boundaries and love them so much they can feel your love. This may sound strange but many times in a live conference I have said, “Children are a lot like dogs. They can smell danger. They can tell if you don’t like them. They know when they are loved. Like dogs they will reciprocate love. Once you win a child’s trust they will do almost anything you ask of them.” This is especially true of the child of divorce. For them on that one day, you may be the only adult that has been kind to them. You might be the only adult that emulates the love of Jesus Christ.

I drew them with gentle cords, With bands of love, And I was to them as those who take the yoke from their neck. I stooped and fed them. [Hosea 11:4]

[su_divorce_hc]

This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on April 27, 2012.

He comes in with a haughty look on his face. His face says,

“Heh, heh, this is the day you will pay for my unhappiness!”

You smile and maintain your integrity. You say a quick prayer (always seek the Lord) as you approach this child. (“God give me wisdom and knowledge that I may lead this people…” 2 Chronicles 1:10a). You tell yourself you are safe. Your self-talk says you are in control and you will not lose it no matter what. You are prepared and feel confident in your ability to assist and teach this child and draw him closer to the Lord.

He doesn’t wait for you but skirts over to the side of the room. However, he keeps his eyes on you. What do you do at this point? You let him go. I would nod my head in his direction to let him know I saw him. I might mouth, “I see you” and wink as I say it. Then I go on about my business and leave him alone.

You know this child is going to need your attention at some point in the next hour. You need to also realize that being gushy or fake with these children will never work. These types of kids are very perceptive. You see they have learned at an early age how to read body language. They have to be cognizant in reading body language so they know how to live and fit into two different homes with two parents who are sometimes at war with each other.

Be careful how you approach these children. Some adults think because a child’s family life is disruptive, the child needs their pity. Children don’t need your pity. They need your empathy. They need boundaries. They need structure within the confines of a loving environment. They need for you to be an adult they can depend upon and trust. They need for you to give them dignity. Kids deserve their dignity, and too many adults in their lives have taken their dignity away. They need to be able to count on you, the adult, to be in charge, to be the leader, to be in control not controlling but in control.

Maya Angelou once said,

“People won’t remember what you said. People won’t remember what you did. People will remember how you made them feel.”

This is so very true of the child of divorce. Keep foremost in your mind how you make these kids feel.

Tell Them What to Do

When working with children, tell them what you want them to do. Example: “Sit down and look at the video.” You don’t give them a choice if it is what is supposed to happen. Leave off the word, “Okay?” at the end of the request. “Okay?” means you are asking their permission to tell them to sit down.

Do not tack on a “please” or a “thank you.” “Please sit down and watch the video. Thank you.” Please and thank you turn what you want them to do into a request and inadvertently gives them a choice. If it is not a choice, don’t use “please” or “thank you.” Children who have relationship issues, such as kids of divorce, will have trouble with the words “please” and “thank you.” These words could conjure up feelings of unfairness and the hurting child might set out to purposely be rude and negative. This may be a hard concept for many leaders, but leave the issues of manners to another time. You can model manners later when the child is healed and not turned inward to their problems.

Assertive voice

Use your assertive voice. The assertive voice is the voice of knowing and an “in charge” voice. It is the “this is the way things are” voice. “Susie, sit still!” You don’t say it in a condescending tone. You don’t say it in an apologetic tone. You don’t say it in a “you better do this or else” tone. Simply say, “Susie, sit still.”

When the child does what you tell him or her, then say, “You did it.” Or, “Look at you!” These comments have no judgment, but describe what the child did. Do not say, “Good job.” Your purpose is not to judge the child’s performance but to simply confirm what they did.

Use the child’s name

You may have noticed in the conversation above that the child’s name was used each time when the leader was talking to the child. Research tells us that hearing one’s own name in everyday situations is an attention grabber. It causes a sudden rise in our own self-awareness. Using PET scans, researchers were able to see what happens in the brain when people hear their first name. There was an increase in blood flow to the part of the brain that plays a role in our processing of “self” (Perrin, F. et al. [2005] Neuropsychologia, Vol 43[1], 12–19).

Mistakes from the past

For years many people who work with children have said things like:

(1) “I’m sorry. It’s not time to talk” or

Why would the child care if you were sorry or not? The only thing using this phrase does is to give the child power over us. The child might think, “Wow, I can make this adult sorry!” And they will set out to do it for the rest of the class time.

(2) “I need for you to listen” or

Your brain takes you literally to what it hears. If you say, “I need for you to listen,” the word “need” takes you literally to YOUR NEED, and then when the child doesn’t sit down. In other words it is your need not the child’s need. Why would the child care if your need is met or not? These kids have adults in their lives that have a lot of needs so they don’t want to be bothered my meeting your needs. You are supposed to be there to meet their needs.

(3) “I want you to pay attention.”

When you say, “I want you to listen,” it’s the same thing. Your brain is telling you what YOU WANT.

Instead of any of these, simply say the NAME and then the VERB. For example:

For some of these children when they make a mistake, just acknowledge the mistake and move on. After making eye contact, simply shrug your shoulders with the look that says, “So you blew it.” There are no repercussions, just some attention and validation that says, “Hey kid, you really messed up. Now shake it off. Move on. Try again. You can do it.”

Short phrases that work well with some of these kids are, “Oh well!” Another word that conveys empathy and sympathy but doesn’t take ownership of the problem is “Bummer!” with a lot of expression.

When an accident happens such as a spilled glass of water say, “Bummer!” If you say with exasperation, “Now look what you did! Go get a paper towel and clean this up.” You are belittling the child. He knows what he did and he also knows that getting a paper towel is what he needs to do to clean it up. If you say, “Bummer. What do you need to do now” you allow the child to maintain his dignity. He also has to think through what to do at this point. More than anything else though, is the fact that you trust him to figure this out on his own.

In order for these things to work, you will need to be able to keep your mouth quiet and not say anything more. This can be very difficult.

“Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips.” Psalm 141:3 (NIV).

[su_divorce_hc]

This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on April 20, 2012.

Many children’s leaders feel that children from divorced homes exhibit challenging behaviors. That might be because these children seem distracted. Or they just sit there with a blank stare and you are sure they aren’t hearing one word that is said. Or is it because these kids are hyper? They move and fidget and distract other kids. They try to run away or they yell, scream and even spit sometimes.

Have you ever come across a child that you are sure is …. uh….. well… to put it bluntly ….demon possessed or filled with an evil spirit? We read about demon-possessed and people filled with an evil spirit in the Bible.

This article is updated and adapted from an article originally published on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids on April 13, 2012.