This series is co-written by Linda Ranson Jacobs and Wayne Stocks. Linda has drawn on her years of experience working with children of divorce in a childcare setting, in churches and in developing the Divorce Care for Kids (“DC4K”) curriculum for churches to identify and explain some major issues when it comes to ministering to children of divorce and to explain how those issues were addressed in the DC4K curriculum. Wayne has drawn on his years volunteering in children’s ministry and his work with children of divorce to provide some practical advice on how these issues can be addressed in a weekly children’s ministry environment. Together, we hope that this series will help children’s ministry workers better minister to children of divorce and help those who volunteer in divorce ministries like DC4K to better anticipate and deal with issues unique to children of divorce.

Introduction

Over the past few weeks in this “Culture Shock” series, we have endeavored to give you a lot of information about ministering to the child of divorce. We have, hopefully, educated you about their lives and have presented various scenarios to help you understand that ministering to the child of divorce may be different than ministry in a traditional children’s ministry.

In the first article we talked about “that child” showing up. We hope you have had a change of heart about “that child” because “that child” needs you, and he or she may have something to teach you about ministering to other children involved in family trauma and crisis.

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This series is co-written by Linda Ranson Jacobs and Wayne Stocks. Linda has drawn on her years of experience working with children of divorce in a childcare setting, in churches and in developing the Divorce Care for Kids (“DC4K”) curriculum for churches to identify and explain some major issues when it comes to ministering to children of divorce and to explain how those issues were addressed in the DC4K curriculum. Wayne has drawn on his years volunteering in children’s ministry and his work with children of divorce to provide some practical advice on how these issues can be addressed in a weekly children’s ministry environment. Together, we hope that this series will help children’s ministry workers better minister to children of divorce and help those who volunteer in divorce ministries like DC4K to better anticipate and deal with issues unique to children of divorce.

Behavioral Issues

Many children of divorce exhibit behavior issues. As you have learned from reading other articles here on DivorceMinistry4Kids you know these children live stress-filled chaotic lives. Oftentimes, they are overcome with anger and confusion and guilt. They are confused, scared, depressed and angry children. In many circumstances these underlying feelings manifest themselves in acting out. They act out their feelings through their behavior. Researchers are now realizing that family crisis and trauma can lead to disruptive behaviors in kids. (If you want to learn more learn more about this subject read, “Are these sings of mental illness in kids? Or normal response to childhood trauma? http://acestoohigh.com/2012/08/30/are-these-signs-of-mental-illness-in-kids-or-normal-responses-to-childhood-trauma/)

In traditional children’s ministry, many leaders have been taught that when a child has disruptive behaviors in class, that the right thing to do is take them to their parents. Alternatively, when the child’s parents come to pick their child up after service, we pull them aside and talk privately with the parents about the behavior issue. We do this in love and respect for the family, and we usually try to partner with the parents in helping their child to overcome those issues. We might ask the parent about what is going on in the child’s life and if there are any new issues we should be aware to help us better provide for their child. In other words, communication with the parents is paramount in helping their children in our church classes. This approach is rooted in the idea that parents are meant to be the primary spiritual nurturers of their children, and our role as children’s ministers is to come alongside them and assist in that role.

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This series is co-written by Linda Ranson Jacobs and Wayne Stocks. Linda has drawn on her years of experience working with children of divorce in a childcare setting, in churches and in developing the Divorce Care for Kids (“DC4K”) curriculum for churches to identify and explain some major issues when it comes to ministering to children of divorce and to explain how those issues were addressed in the DC4K curriculum. Wayne has drawn on his years volunteering in children’s ministry and his work with children of divorce to provide some practical advice on how these issues can be addressed in a weekly children’s ministry environment. Together, we hope that this series will help children’s ministry workers better minister to children of divorce and help those who volunteer in divorce ministries like DC4K to better anticipate and deal with issues unique to children of divorce.

The Need for Relationships

As people who work with children we understand it is important to connect with the children in our care. By connecting with the children we build relationships with them. As adults in the religious realm we know the importance of a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. We build relationships with the parents in our ministry. We work on our relationships with our family, with neighbors and with other children’s ministers. I think we can agree that healthy relationships are important in our world today.

For some children though, relationships with those they love have been destroyed or marred. These are the children of divorce and/or separation. The very people they trust the most have hurt them deeply. The people they desire to have a relationship with the most, their parents, have bitterly disappointed many of them. When these kids come to church, it is so very important to work on rebuilding that trust and forming relationships with them.

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This series is co-written by Linda Ranson Jacobs and Wayne Stocks. Linda has drawn on her years of experience working with children of divorce in a childcare setting, in churches and in developing the Divorce Care for Kids (“DC4K”) curriculum for churches to identify and explain some major issues when it comes to ministering to children of divorce and to explain how those issues were addressed in the DC4K curriculum. Wayne has drawn on his years volunteering in children’s ministry and his work with children of divorce to provide some practical advice on how these issues can be addressed in a weekly children’s ministry environment. Together, we hope that this series will help children’s ministry workers better minister to children of divorce and help those who volunteer in divorce ministries like DC4K to better anticipate and deal with issues unique to children of divorce.

Why Mixed Age Groups Matter for Children of Divorce

Many times when parents bring their children to church as soon as the family hits the front door of the church everyone separates. Each child goes into a different classroom, and the adults may even go to a different building for their time of worship. While I understand there are good reasons for this type of arrangement, for the child of divorce this can be a daunting experience.

The majority of couples heading toward a divorce have pulled away from the church and, at the very least, their attendance becomes sporadic. Some people after a divorce find it difficult to attend the same church they had as a couple, so they will find a new church to attend. So the entire “church thing” can be a frightening experience to children of divorce.

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This series is co-written by Linda Ranson Jacobs and Wayne Stocks. Linda has drawn on her years of experience working with children of divorce in a childcare setting, in churches and in developing the Divorce Care for Kids (“DC4K”) curriculum for churches to identify and explain some major issues when it comes to ministering to children of divorce and to explain how those issues were addressed in the DC4K curriculum. Wayne has drawn on his years volunteering in children’s ministry and his work with children of divorce to provide some practical advice on how these issues can be addressed in a weekly children’s ministry environment. Together, we hope that this series will help children’s ministry workers better minister to children of divorce and help those who volunteer in divorce ministries like DC4K to better anticipate and deal with issues unique to children of divorce.

Choice and the Child of Divorce

For the child of divorce, it is important to allow them to make choices. Choices empower a child who feels like everything is out of their control. Most of us, as parents and children’s ministry leaders, agree that kids shouldn’t make major decisions about their lives. However, for the child of divorce, whose very life has been interrupted by the crisis of divorce, it is different than for a child who has a loving mother and father in the home. Children of divorce feel powerless and vulnerable during and after their parents have separated.

For many children of divorce not only have they lost the comfort of a loving home and family, they may have lost both parents to the divorce war. While having distracted parents may be temporary until the divorce battle has been waged and settled, it is none-the-less very disturbing to the child. Children need adults they can trust to help them navigate through a crisis and the very adults they need are the ones that have caused the crisis.

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Chaos and the Child of Divorce

Children of divorce live lives marked by chaos and disorder. There are so many things about the divorce that can cause chaos, it is impossible to list them all, but they can include: loss of the non-custodial parent, moving to a new home, going to a new school, financial difficulties, lack of rules and structure at home, increased responsibility, loss of rituals and routines, arguing parents, differing expectations, lack of planning, step-families, lack of consistency and so much more.

I (Linda) once received the following correspondence from a leader who had children of divorce in her group:

We have two brothers that would much rather run around the room and do everything other than listen to us! They are ages 10 and 8. I’m learning that a lot of times, the kids thrive on chaos and drama.

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This series is co-written by Linda Ranson Jacobs and Wayne Stocks. Linda has drawn on her years of experience working with children of divorce in a childcare setting, in churches and in developing the Divorce Care for Kids (“DC4K”) curriculum for churches to identify and explain some major issues when it comes to ministering to children of divorce and to explain how those issues were addressed in the DC4K curriculum. Wayne has drawn on his years volunteering in children’s ministry and his work with children of divorce to provide some practical advice on how these issues can be addressed in a weekly children’s ministry environment. Together, we hope that this series will help children’s ministry workers better minister to children of divorce and help those who volunteer in divorce ministries like DC4K to better anticipate and deal with issues unique to children of divorce.

Children’s Ministry workers are a unique breed. We choose to volunteer and spend our time surrounded by kids striving to teach them about Jesus and the Bible. We enjoy noise and games and the many twists and turns that children’s ministry inevitably brings.

As a group we tend to be a little more free-spirited, but we also take ministering to children very seriously. To that end, oftentimes we get a picture in our minds about how our ministry should operate – how a certain activity should unfold or how a group of kids should act. We get our minds set on what we want to accomplish, train our leaders to move towards that vision and then move forward sometimes faster than we can even keep up. Sometimes, we even settle in and enjoy the fact that everything seems to be running smoothly…that is until “that child” shows up. We love kids, and we have a heart for kids, but “that child” is the difficult one. The one who disrupts the plan and refuses to allow the ministry to operate the way it should. Many times, in today’s day and age, “that child” is a child of divorce. The fact is ministering to a child of divorce, whether in a dedicated group setting like DC4K or in your Sunday morning children’s ministry, presents unique challenges.

Not every person who in children’s ministry is going to be equipped to work with children of divorce. If people have done children’s ministry before or are used to a more traditional children’s ministry, they may go into culture shock when it comes to ministering to children of divorce. Or they may throw up their hands when a child of divorce comes into other church classes.

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