Take a moment to think of someone you care about or someone that has impacted your life in a positive way. There are a lot of people that have impacted my life – especially in ministry. When I think of one lady in particular, and how she has blessed me down through the years, I get the “warm fuzzies.”

You know that feeling where you just feel better inside, under your skin and in your heart. You feel all warm inside and right with the world. My friend has been with me through thick and thin; through divorce and death; through the good and bad. She’s in her eighties now and still relevant and intentional in ministry. She lives on the West coast and I live on the East coast, but she is always with me in my heart.

Sometimes the Holy Spirit alerts me when there is a problem. This happens so I will know to pray for her. For instance when her husband, Jim, passed away suddenly I knew instantly something was wrong. I started praying for her not really knowing why or for what. But the Lord knew. In my prayers for her I am always grateful for her friendship.

Brain research shows that when we feel gratitude or thankfulness there are chemical changes in our brains. Thoughts physically alter the brain wiring. Many times children can sense the emotional state that you are in. What might happen if when a child comes into your group you silently looked at the child and thanked God for allowing this child to be in your group? Or you looked at this child with gratitude for what he or she might teach you today about being a kid? Or as Dr. Becky Bailey says, “You wish the child well.”

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I like to think of the brain system as the “brain train”.

A Quick Review

The caboose (the brain stem) is the train car attached to the rear of the train and used primarily by the train crew. In older days, back when trains actually had a caboose, it was used as a place of protection where soldiers, or the crew, were stationed to protect the train from raiders and robbers and keep it safe. The brain stem is all about fight, flight or freeze. The brain stem asks,

“Am I safe?”

The passenger car (the limbic system) is the place where the people ride on the train and enjoy each other’s company. The limbic system is all about emotions and asks,

“Am I loved?”

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Last week, we introduced the limbic system (the emotional part of the brain) and explained how it affects children of divorce. Children in the limbic system or the emotional part of the brain wonder if they are loved. They wonder if anyone cares about them. It is all about emotions.

Divorce and the Limbic System of the Brain

When I think back to when I went through a divorce, I now realize that I lived in for many weeks in the emotional part of my brain. I couldn’t analyze or get organized, and I was late to every appointment. I even had trouble making eye contact with people because I was afraid the person I was talking to might not like me. And it didn’t end there, over the years, I know I have reverted back to that state on a number of occasions. All that, and I was an adult at the time. Think about the children coming to your church who are experiencing the divorce of their parents!

The Issue of Serotonin Production

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Learning about the emotional brain or the limbic part of the brain is an important part of working with the child of divorce. The limbic system is located in the mid part of our brain and serves many functions including:

• Generating emotions/feelings
• Directing our emotions
• Helping to motivate us
• Directing our drive
• Arousing our attachment
• Establishing the ability for us to have attachments and relationships
• Storing highly charged emotional memories
• Being territorial
• Taping events as internally important
• Controlling appetite and sleep cycles
• Storing the unconscious part of the brain (everything ever said is stored in this part of the brain)

Brain research is showing that nurturing and encouraging environments shape brains for a lifetime of healthy adjustments, to strive and thrive. Our early life wires our brain for connecting and attaching to others. Child abuse, constant stress (like that which comes from living in two homes or generally through the divorce of parents) and discouraging environments may alter brain chemistry and affect a child’s learning ability and scripture memorization.

The limbic system or the emotional brain is always asking, “Am I loved?”

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Last week we discussed what was happening in the brains of children that are fearful or scared. This week let’s expand that concept and look at stress and the brain.

What is Stress?

Stress is the body’s way of reacting to challenging events, one of which for children is the divorce of their parents. Stress in children can affect them physically, emotionally and mentally.

Stress and the Child of Divorce

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Answering the Question “Why Do We Lose Control of Our Emotions” is a key first step in helping kids understand their emotions. This is the focus of the first step of Hope 4 Hurting Kids’ Jump In! Stand Strong! Rise Up! Method (A Comprehensive Plan for Dealing With Emotions). This video from Kids Want to Know is a great explanation for kids and adults of how emotions get out of control and how our brain reacts when they do.

The video’s YouTube page explains more:
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The Brain’s Reaction to Fear

We know from the brain research and from studying the experts on brain-based learning that fear strikes at the heart of learning. When a child is fearful or feels unsafe the learning brain begins to power down so to speak. Learning becomes more difficult if not impossible.

Have you ever had something scare the daylights out of you? What were you feeling at the time? Most of us probably don’t think about what we were feeling when that car zipped through the stop light in front of us and we had to slam on our breaks. We just react to the situation. Our brains do what they were supposed to do – they react and keep us safe by helping us to slam on our breaks.

Feeling safe is a basic instinct that each person has, and fear is a basic human emotion. From the time we are born our brains are equipped with the fight or flight capability. This fight or flight capacity is found in the lower level of the brain called the brain stem. Many times we can sense or feel when something is dangerous. Fear can be intense, mild or medium depending on the situation. Fear can be brief or long lasting.

From KidsHealth.org (http://tinyurl.com/6u28czx) we read, Continue reading

This week we continue our discussion of the incredible amazing brain in children of divorce. There is so much to know about the brain but for some reason those of us in the church realm haven’t connected with the world of science to learn about how this research can benefit the children we work with in our children’s ministries. Today the topic of empathy is an exciting one to me because as I read and understand the Bible. I see that Jesus brought empathy into the world full force.

Empathy is the ability to feel what someone else is feeling. It is the ability to place ones self in the situation a child or another person is experiencing. For the child of divorce, empathy is you in their life experiencing the break up of the intact family.

When you look at a situation from another person’s perspective it gives you the ability to share their feelings.

Empathy is far different from sympathy. Sympathy is feeling or expressing pity or sorrow for a distress or pain that someone is experiencing. Upon learning of the death of a loved one of a friend, we might say, “I am sorry to hear of your loss.” We have sorrow for them. Empathy is different because with empathy you are not just reacting to the emotions of someone else, you feel the same emotions they do. Continue reading

For the next few weeks we will look at how understanding what is happening in the brains of children of divorce will allow you to develop better relationships and impact these kids in a positive manner.

The brain is an amazing and incredible part of the human make up. God in His amazing creation created the human brain that can out last, out do and out perform any computer or electronic gadget now or those yet to be discovered.

What are mirror neurons?

A helpful discovery for kid people was the discovery of mirror neurons. This is a gigantic concept and if it were possible I would have bells and whistles going off in this article to bring attention to this. Daniel Goleman in “Social Intelligence” (Bantam) explains it this way, Continue reading

This video from Sentis is part of a series of videos that explore how the brain works. This installment examines emotions and the brain in language that is very easy to understand.

For more awesome resources for learning about and dealing with emotions, please visit our Hope 4 Hurting Kids Emotions Help Center.