The teen years can be a particularly hard time for children to experience the divorce of their parents.  “Helping Parents and Teens Adjust to Divorce” from Risa Garcon explains why and offers some practical advice to both parents and teens. Here is an excerpt from the article:

Divorced parents of teens often wonder if their children’s behavior and family relationship challenges are due to simply being a teen or due to the separation or divorce. A simple answer is that it may be both. A more honest answer suggests that it will depend on both the parent and the child. Some parents say that it depends on the day or the hour.

Certainly, adolescence is a time of working toward independence and establishing an identify separate from each parent’s. This change doesn’t occur suddenly; it happens over time. Everyday tasks that were once prescribed by parents now may become a point of contention with the child, including how bedrooms are kept, when homework gets done and how parents monitor their adolescent’s whereabouts. If a parent has built a fairly healthy relationship with a child in the past, the parent and child may continue to have a civil relationship.

What happens with separation and divorce is that it makes home life more complicated. Parents are going through their own losses and have a boatload of stresses being a single parent. Parents may also mourn a loss similar to the loss their children experience — the loss of the family unit as they knew it. Teens are greatly affected by family change. Although some teens express relief that they don’t have to listen to their parents fighting anymore, many of their peers grieve the loss of their family, worry about money, worry about their parents’ well-being, worry about the family pets and feel guilty thinking that they might be part of the reason their parents are separating.

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“Helping Teens Adjust to Stepparents” from the TeensHealth portion of KidHealth.org helps teens deal with adjusting to having a new stepparent.  Many times adjusting to a parent dating and/or getting remarried can be harder than the initial divorce.  The article does not sugar coat the situation:

In some families, new adults and kids seem to fit in easily, as though they’ve been there all along. But some families brought together through marriage can be so different that the best everyone can do is grit their teeth and work hard to get through a weekend together…Sometimes a stepparent can feel like a stranger who is suddenly inserted into the most personal aspects of your life. The pressure to get along can be intense.

Despite these issue, the article presents some practical things teens can do to adjust to these new step family situations including advice on how to deal with emotions like:

• Keeping a journal
• Seeking support from a friend
• Talking to your parent or another trusted adult

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“Advice for Parents on Dating After Divorce” is a little bit on the simplistic side when it comes to advice about dating after a divorce, but if you are in that position it does offer some solid advice for how to make it easier on your kids.

Here is an excerpt from the article:

You thought dating was hard the first time? Here you are, single again, but this time with children. You finally meet someone you really, really like and want to introduce him to your kids. How do you go about it? What if your youngsters don’t like him? What if he doesn’t like them? What if it doesn’t work out?

Before you even think about introducing your children to your new boyfriend, you need to have been dating for at least six months. No, I’m not crazy. Didn’t your last relationship end in divorce? You don’t want that to happen again and you certainly don’t want your children to go through that again. It takes at least six months to begin to really know a person. You don’t want to introduce someone and one month later have to explain to your children why they don’t see “Mike” anymore.

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“Helping Children Build Stepfamilies That Work” from Kidshealth.org will help children dealing with step and blended families.  It covers issues like getting used to stepparents, what to do if you can’t get along with your new stepparent and how to make a healthy transition into a step family.

The article offers a realistic picture of what a child might be going through:

Suddenly having a new adult in your life and your home can be really tough. You’ll probably have lots of questions, like what you should call your stepdad or stepmom. (Some families use the person’s first name.)

You also might wonder about rules and whether you really have to listen to your stepparent even if he or she is not your real mom or dad. A stepparent is another adult who’s looking out for you, so it’s best to give him or her the same level of respect you give your own parents, coach, or teacher at school.

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Rosalind Sedacca shares seven keys to making your co-parenting relationship work for your kids following a divorce. Although you can’t eliminate the impact of divorce on your kids, working together and following some basic rules can make post-divorce life easier on your kids.

Rosalind explains,

As a divorce and parenting coach, I’ve found that children of divorce do best when both of their parents continue to be actively involved in their lives. It’s the ongoing connection that makes the positive difference for these children, minimizing the fact that their parents no longer live together.

That’s why co-parenting is so universally encouraged after divorce as a significant way to reduce the long-term emotional impact on children. Co-parenting styles and arrangements can differ widely from family to family to suit their individual needs. However, most all professionals agree that co-parenting will only succeed if some basic agreements are made and kept and significant mistakes are avoided.

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In “On the Importance of Parents Getting Along After A Divorce” from the Huffington Post, Shanon Bradley-Colleary shares an important first hand account on the importance of her parents getting along after their divorce.  So many times, children of divorce are left reeling and wondering why they even exist in the face of their parents divorce.  Ms. Bradley-Colleary’s experience was what you might call a success story:

Sitting at a table listening to my parent’s talk about these escapades — with my stepmom laughing along — made me feel like I am something more than a beloved mistake. They had a history and a story that had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with me becoming the person I am today.

I love my parents — the three I have remaining and my stepdad Guido who is gone, but has left his mark on me too. Despite all of my poor-me-child-of-divorce-violin-in-A-minor sonatas, I had great parents. I have great parents. And I’m grateful, grateful, grateful that they love each other. Thanks mom and dad.

ARTICLE LINK: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shannon-colleary/when-your-divorced-parent_b_3007254.html

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“Advice for Stepparents on Dealing With Stepkids” from HuffPost asked several “experts” in the field for their advice on how stepparents can “create a healthy, unhurried relationship with their stepkids.”

Divorce is hard on kids, and it takes time for children to adjust to the divorce of their parents.  The fact is, they may never fully adjust.  However, equally stressful to children of divorce can be when their parents begin to date and especially if they remarry.  Many stepparents have faced the battle of trying to relate to, and form a relationship with, their stepkids.

The article explains:

It’s a rare stepparent who hasn’t tried, in their own way, to win over their stepkids. Whether it was snapping up two Justin Bieber concert tickets or attempting to bond over hot wings during a stepsons-only guy’s night out, it’s hard to resist trying to fast-track a solid relationship.

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