H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Many kids are shocked when they find out that their parents are getting a divorce.  Some parents fight a lot, and the kids in those homes may start to suspect that their parents are going to split up.  But, if you came from a home where there wasn’t much conflict, you may have been entirely surprised when they broke the news to you.  You probably didn’t know that one or both of your parents weren’t happy in their marriage, and you may be left feeling angry and confused as you work through the shock of it.

You are not alone though.  Statistics tells us the about 75% (that’s 3 out of every 4) divorces end a marriage that is classified as “low conflict.”  That means that the parents didn’t argue or fight very much.  So, there are lots of kids out there who had no idea that their parents were headed down the road to divorce until it actually happened.

If you were shocked by the news of your parents’ divorce, there are a few things you need to keep in mind:

1. It wasn’t your fault.  Just because you were surprised by the news of the divorce doesn’t mean that you had anything to do it.  You didn’t cause your parents’ divorce.  Divorce is an adult issue between your mom and your dad.
2. There is nothing you could have done to prevent it.  Many kids who are surprised by their parents’ divorce start to think things like, “If only I had seen it coming, I probably could have stopped it.”  The fact is, there is nothing you could have done even if you knew it was coming.  When you understand that the divorce was not your fault, you should also understand that divorce is not something you could have prevented.
3. Things will get better.  Divorce hurts, and you were doubly hurt because you didn’t have any time to get yourself ready for the news.  However, you should know that with time, and by sharing your emotions and problems with trusted friends and adults, things will get better eventually.  They won’t ever be exactly the way they were before, but they will get better.

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And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

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Welcome back to our series titled “Divorce Through Their Eyes.” In this series, we look at some firsthand accounts of children who have been there and can recount from their own experience how divorce affected their lives.

Today’s story comes from A.J. recounting the day his dad moved out at FirstWivesWorld.com in this September 2, 2012 article titled From A Child Of Divorce: The Day Daddy Moves Out. The point of A.J.’s article is to offer advice to other parents on how to handle the situation where one parent is moving out, but in the course of giving his advice we get some insights into his own story.

A.J. recalls that the day was a Saturday when his father sat him down to tell him he was moving out. After getting the news, laced with what he describes as “cock and bull filler words. You know the kind they use to make bologna in those huge factories,” A.J. went back to bed for most of the rest of the day. It was only after he woke up that the news began to sink in, and in the retelling of that story we catch a glimpse of what that moment is like for a child of divorce:

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

When your parents were married, they likely worked together to make decisions regarding you, and you probably all lived in the same house.  When parents’ get divorced, someone has to decide who will make decisions for the kids and where the kids will live.  Sometimes both parents agree on those decisions and other times, when parents can’t agree, a judge will make that decision.  That is where custody comes in.

There are two general types of custody: legal custody (which refers to who gets to make major decisions for the kids including decisions related to education, healthcare, religion, etc.) and physical custody (which refers to where the children will spend their time).

LEGAL CUSTODY

There are two types of legal custody. Continue reading

Recognizing the plight of children of divorce at Christmas time can help children in divorced families stay connected to the church and attentive to the birth of Christ during the holidays.

Christmas Through the Eyes of the Child of Divorce

While most people get excited about the holidays, children from divorced homes often go into a depression, get very anxious or simply disconnect when preparing for all of the events associated with Christmas. Sometimes, this is related to the uncertainty surrounding which home they will be in when celebrating various events. Other times, it might be because they really want to be with both parents during the holidays but know that that is not possible. This leads to a feeling of being overwhelmed. Or they may fantasize about their parents getting back together. When that doesn’t happen, they can become angry or sad. Many children of divorce simply feel lost during the holidays so they disconnect.

With all the rushing around at the holidays for parties, church, concerts, plays, shopping and more, single parents still have to work. They still have to parent alone, and stress abounds. Children may feel the stress of the Christmas celebration times two – two homes and two parents. You might say they experience double whammies of both stress and holiday celebrating.

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Thanksgiving is now a memory and Christmas looms before us. For some kids Christmas is an exciting time of the year. For many kids Christmas may mean staying up late, no school, visits with relatives, presents and candy. As people who work with kids, we want them to find the true meaning of Christmas. The emotions of Christmas in a child of divorce may be very different than what you are used to.

Most of you will go overboard trying to relay the story of the baby Jesus and his humble birth with special lessons and activities. There will be special Christmas musicals; special holiday parties or celebrations; perhaps even caroling events also.

We want kids to come to church and enjoy the “specialness” of this time of year. That’s why I want to start early this year asking you to prepare yourself for the child of divorce. If it is a child’s first Christmas after the separation or divorce of their parents, you might want to be prepared for a variety of feelings to be exhibited. Depending on how recent the divorce was, the child may appear to be in shock, or the child may be confused not sure of what their feelings are.

If it has been several months, and the child has begun to process the divorce, you may find some anger feelings emerging in your classes. If the child feels safe with you, then don’t be surprised if a lot of anger comes out. Some children will hold their anger in when they are around their parents. They don’t want to upset their already stressed and/or angry parents. But, when they get to a safe place and if you have developed a relationship with them, then they will let their guard down and express themselves.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Many children of single parents end up in a situation where their parents start dating again and they don’t like the new boyfriend or girlfriend.  If there is a reason not to like them – like they make you feel uncomfortable or are physically or emotionally abusive, you need to tell someone about it.  However, if you just don’t like them and you don’t know exactly why, there are some things you should keep in mind to help you adjust to your parent’s new love interest and keep from damaging your own relationship with your parent:

1. Remember, your parent’s boyfriend/girlfriend is not your new parent.  They shouldn’t act like they are, and you shouldn’t expect them to fill that role.
2. Talk to your mom or dad about it, but make sure you do it in a respectful way. Explain that you don’t like the idea of them dating.  If it hasn’t been long since the divorce, explain that you need time to adjust to the divorce. Explain that you are trying, but that they need to understand that this hurts you. Don’t give ultimatums and don’t place blame. Just share your feelings.
3. Remember that you don’t have to like the person your parent dates. Unless that person makes you feel unsafe for some reason, you don’t have to like them. Don’t try to force yourself to feel a certain way, you can’t.
4. Try to start over. If there isn’t a reason not to like the new person in your parent’s life, go back and “redo.” Start over remembering that you are just working on forming a new friendship regardless of what your parent feels about this parent. Engage in idle chit-chat. Find things that you both like and talk about them (even it’s ice cream).  Without the pressure on either of you, you might find it easier to start a relationship and even form a friendship with this person if you just start over.
5. Guard your heart. Your parent might be in love, but that doesn’t mean this relationship will last. If you do put some effort into it and end up liking this person, guard your heart a little bit to avoid being overly vulnerable in the event the relationship ends.
6. Work on your relationship with your parent. Just because the two of you disagree doesn’t have to destroy the relationship. Find some common ground or work together to set up some ground rules that you both can live with.

You might also find something useful in the following previous questions answered here on I Am A Child of Divorce:

• How Can I Keep My Parents From Dating After a Divorce?
• What Do I Do When My Parents Start Dating Other People?

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When parents divorce, children are more likely to lose their connections with those around them. Many of us in the Christian world have known that children are born to connect. We have observed and watched as children become disconnected. Many problems facing young people today are due in large part to our failure to meet the children’s most basic human need for connectedness.

Rituals help children connect with you, the leaders. Rituals bond relationships together. Divorce brings many changes to the child. The child loses the two-parent home and access to both parents under the same roof. The children may experience the loss of their self-esteem and their sense of well-being. They may lose a lifestyle. They lose their things, and some even lose the home they have always known. Children may attach themselves to their things, and then when those things disappear, the children get confused. Things and possessions bring a sense of comfort, control and a sense of order to a child’s life.

Connecting through rituals

With the divorce rate, our families have only gotten weaker. While we may not be able to stop the divorce rate immediately, we can assist the children and go to battle for them in this world of confusion. We can make the children stronger by connecting with them.

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Thanksgiving, like many holidays, is hard on children who come from disrupted homes. On top of the normal stresses that come with a holiday season, children of divorce face stark reminders of how their family has changed, and most face a day without at least one of their parents. While many of us will be pondering and remembering all the things we have to be thankful for, these kids are likely lamenting another holiday which serves to remind them just how much their life has changed. So, if you know a child from a divorced or otherwise disrupted homes this holiday season, there is still something you can do to bring a little bit of light to that child’s holiday.

So, here at Hope 4 Hurting Kids, we encourage you to do the following this Thursday for Thanksgiving:

1. Pick a child from a disrupted home (particularly those kids who might currently be going through their parents divorce. This can be a child from your ministry, from your neighborhood or from your family. And, you are of course more than welcome to do this with more than one child.
2. Get the child’s contact information for where they will be Thanksgiving day. Call their parent(s) and ask. Get cell phone numbers, land line numbers, e-mail, Facebook account, Instagram account, twitter account or whatever other way you can get in touch with them.
3. Sometime on thanksgiving day, contact the child. Call them on the phone. Send a text message. Post online and tag them. Whatever works, but the more personal the better.
4. Let them know when you contact them that you wanted to take a few minutes on this special day to let them know that you are Thankful that they are in your life.
5. Ask them how their holiday is going, and provide encouragement where needed.

Something as simple as a phone call (or other contact) from someone to let them know they are special can have a significant impact on these kids and help an otherwise difficult day that much more bearable.

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H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

The following article was submitted by a user of the site.

Yikes. What a tough question! Divorce is tough, and divorce hurts. There is no doubt about that. Perhaps your parents are in the process of finalizing their split or maybe they’ve already been separated for years. Either way, it is a healthy exercise to look for the positive even in really bad situations, and you will find it beneficial to think about any “good” things that might come have come out of this situation. After all, if life hands you lemons…make lemonade, right?!?

My parents divorced 20 years ago. I was 4 years old at the time. If you asked me then, I would have told you that nothing good can come out of divorce. Looking back though, there were some positive things.

#1 Less Yelling (sort of)

Many times you will find that parents yell a whole lot prior to a divorce. If your parents are going through a divorce or are divorced now, you might look back and realize that the yelling was really kicked up a notch before they split. When parents split up, the level of fighting tends to decrease. In my case, the fighting was replaced with a strange silence that I wasn’t used to, and I enjoyed it. That’s not to say that your parents will never fight after the divorce. Some still do, but if you’ve been living the daily grind of listening to your parents’ never ending arguments, the divorce may give you some much needed peace and quiet. Continue reading